Experiences of telling friends about your mental health issues?

[fiddlydee]

I am interested to hear experiences of telling friends about mental health issues. I have been on ADs for two years but only my husband and parents know. I am quite keen for my close friends to know so that they can understand when things are hard. But, I am scared of them thinking I am strange or making a fuss. I now really struggle with late nights and I cannot drink - I don't want them to think I am now boring. I don't want them to see me differently. I don't want them to keep asking if I am ok but I don't want them to ignore it either. Should I tell or keep quiet. What was your experience?

Well I have the same problem fiddlydee and only yesterday started a thread but no-one has replied! I think we have "met" before on the MH thread. My close friends know but not people who aren't so close and when I get blips which come and go, I dread seeing anyone I don't know and hide myself under the duvet or just in the house.

Are you still having some days that are not good as you mention "when things are hard" - I just feel so embarrased about telling anyone about my blips (because in between times I am fine, but I don't know till I wake in the morning how I will be) because most people don't understand depression - they think as others have said on the thread that you are a "bit upset" and give you a tissue!

I think you should have a go at telling - you can keep it relatively brief and I have just done this with a neighbour this morning as she asked if I was better from "all that trouble last year" - (meaning a major episode of depression last Easter and 3 months in psych ward) so I just said "Oh I am much better but I still go up and down, more up than down though" and she just smiled and said "oh that's good" and went on to talk about her garden.

I think your friends might be much more understanding that your realise.

Difficult one this. Though I guess you know that hence why you're asking for experiences . I think it depends on how long you've been suffering from mh issues, whether they themselves suffer with issues (whether openly or in secret), how long you've been friends with your friend/s and whether they are true "friends" or not.

My experience is hugely positive in that I've had no really bad reactions "to the news". Two of my oldest friends stuck with me through my first bout of depression 15 yrs ago (I was incapable of hiding it from them though I probably would of done if I was able to). Another friend had a dad who suffered for decades so again was very relaxed and not "scared off" by it.

My only negative experience (although it was only mildly negative) was around 10 years ago when I had a bipolar question hanging over my head. I'd never told this friend about my depression but when I started avoiding her (due to fluctuating moods and feeling tired/strange etc) I eventually told her and her reply was along the lines of "I always thought you were mad anyway". Not inspiring. Then after that the friendship just kind of died, although contact hasn't been completely severed. I re-evaluated the friendship and realised that our friendship was simply a "good time friendship".

My recent friends have suffered or still suffer from depression though this wasn't known at the time the friendships developed. Personally I generally don't tell any new friend unless I'm relatively confident that their reaction won't be a bad one. That said I did have one friend that I didn't tell for 8 years (because she'd always given the impression that she didn't think depression was "real" etc) but when I eventually did fall apart on her she was great and was instrumental in me getting help again. And we're still very good friends now.

Good luck deciding. Fwiw if your friends are 'real' friends they will accept the 'real' you, whatever that is .

You don't have to tell everyone if you don't want to or it's not relevant to them. You wouldn't necessarily tell everyone all your physical health concerns so there's nothing wrong with keeping your mental health issues private too.

Having said that, there is of course nothing to be ashamed of if you suffer from mental health difficulties.

You may wish to tell just one or two close friends you feel would understand and be supportive.

Don't worry about what people might think about you declining late nights and alcohol. I can't say that those things make anyone more "interesting" than anyone else :) Your true friends will like you regardless, unless the friendship is only based on alcohol and late nights in which case is it really worth it anyway?

I've gradually told most of my friends, both close and more distant ones. The close ones were totally fine, very, very understanding and supportive. And the distant ones have been very good too. In fact many of them opened up about their own mh issues and we have become a lot closer as a result.

So my experience has been very positive and a big change for me as I was always one for putting on a front and always acting ok, even with close friends and family. Now I'm almost the opposite, crying all over the place and telling all and sundry about my problems.

I'm not ashamed of my issues. They stem from childhood abuse. My parents should be ashamed (but they're not).

Thank you all. It is really good to hear your positive experiences. Perhaps I am under estimating my friends. I'll let you know how it goes!

Nana - yes we have met before. How are you today? It is so hard not knowing when you may have a blip. My husband often asks me first thing how I am and I say, give me a minute or two and I'll tell you. As you say, you never know until the day and there is no logic to when you are up and down. As I must not underestimate my friends, perhaps you should not underestimate your grand-daughter. Kids can really surprise you at times, they can be very understanding and supportive. Plus, (and I include myself in this) we should talk more about our depression, especially to children, then mental health will not have so much of a stigma in the next generation.

Best wishes xx

Fiddlydee, gosh you are SO right about talking to our children more about mental health so the next generation grow up with understanding and awareness. Your post really struck me as I have been very ill with severe depression this past year. I have not really explained to my DC's about my illness and why I need to sleep a lot etc. I am going to have a think about what to say to them and have a chat with them about my depression.

I haven't told anyone other than DH and mum. I worry that people would read more into my behavior / the way I act if they knew, which would make me paranoid and more self conscious. Sounds silly, but I am less on edge with people who don't know - I find discussing issues with my Doctor sometimes really hard because she knows me well and I can't hide behind a facade. I think I just want to not be reminded that I might be different. Oh well....

Thatsnot, I understand about not wanting to seem different and hiding behind a facade. I did that for YEARS. Most of my life.

I have only recently begun to accept myself as I am, childhood damage and all. I have been trying to fix myself so I could be like other people. But it's never going to happen. I can put myself back together but the cracks will always show and I'm finally beginning to learn to like and accept myself exactly as I am.

Jas, well done you!
best wishes, hope all goes well. X

My CPN once said to me during a similar conversation, "you're only as sick as your secrets". I didn't agree with him at the time, but I'm coming round to the idea.

I am careful who I tell. I don't announce to all and sundry, and you tend to know who in your circlewould have a bad reaction. I protect myself by only telling the ones who would be 'on side'. I have not been wrong yet, but I suppose there's always an element of worthwhile risk.

I have told all my close friends as I see it as part of me. I'm not ashamed of it and am matter of fact about it. They know I am on meds and it feels great to know they accept me for who I am. There are a few family members who are skeptical of anything thats wrong "in the mind" but I just don't discuss it with them as its a waste of time explaining.

I have always been very shy and paranoid about telling anyone. This has had detrimental effects on my ability to form friendships. The first couple of meetings with people are fine and then I start to panic and think -'oh god if they get to know me better they will start asking questions and this makes me act quite strangely. Istart to not be able to look at them properly,even start blinkering everyone and only talk to those I feel comfortable with.
I have told someone and they didn't believe me because I come across as ok because I am able to function on a day to day basis. They looked at me as if to say - yeah right. Others just think I am rude and standoffish.
my fear of peolpe getting to know me means that most people end up hating me and my son is suffering because of it. He never gets invited anywhere, the other parents don't even acknowledge me noe and no one says hello.

Recently I have been feeling very screamy inside but am holding it in. I am doing a course and everyone there hates me too. I hate the way I am and no matter how much I try to move forward and be 'normal' the same old thing seems to happen.

Debk, have you had any counselling/psychotherapy? If not I think it's something that would be of benefit to you.

Hi All

Just thought I'd let you know how it went. I have now told my two closest friends about my depression. They were both very surprised but also very understanding. They immediately told me of their family members who are on ADs and they have offered support whenever needed. Thank you to everyone who told me to go for it. I want to try to be braver and tell more people. Mental health should not be something we are scared or embarrassed to talk about.

Deb - I suspect that none of these people hate you. It is more about the way you feel about yourself. Jasmine is right, you should go and speak to your GP and get some psychotherapy - it could make life so much better for you and your son. xx

My experiences are probably a little different becuase my issues are more noticable, and people tend to have guessed before they are told IYSWIM. Most people when they are told respond with something along the lines of "I knew something was up, and what you've said makes a lot of sense".

I've only ever had one negative response, with a hugely unhelpful "well, if you just did X, Y and Z, then you'd be better".