Aggression, anger, violent thoughts.

[Rocketlollies]

I'd be very grateful for anyone's advice, please.

I have a history of depression, but have had a couple of bad experiences of anti-depressants. I'm not actually sure if I have had depression, or if it's some anger issue really. I'm wondering whether to make an appointment to see the GP. I'm worried that they'll be quick to label me as depressed a bit to hastily.

I become incredibly aggressive towards DD (3 years old) and DH, with very little provocation. I have zero patience for DD and her constant, inane chat and the fact that she doesn't respond/listen to me straight away. I know this is very unreasonable of me, and that's why I know there's something wrong. Sometimes it feels as though it would be really satisfying to smack her, hard across the face and send her flying. I won't do this. I hate the thought of it. I know I have a problem. I spent the whole of yesterday screaming at DH and DD and just wanted to run away from home!

Does anyone have any idea what this could be and how I could help things without going to the GP and possibly ending up on awful anti-depressants again, please? Thanks.

Oh, and I cry too easily when I feel like this too. Big sobs, from the stomach, if you know what I mean.

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Rocketlollies...it's the first step identifying that you think something could be wrong. I have had similar episodes myself.
Have you ever thought about a hormone/chemical imbalance? Do you have much support where you are?
I can understand your reluctance to see GP- but that would be the first steps to possibly getting help- if that be counselling, CBT etc.
I really hope some of this has helped.

Thanks Rogers1. I suppose I may have a chemical/hormonal balance, but I don't know. I don't have any support really. DH's is very busy with work a lot and I don't have any family within 100 miles. They're not good at talking about things like this anyway. I don't like to talk to friends about it, as I want to be upbeat for their sake and mine.

It's making life a misery for me, DH and poor little DD though.

I suppose I'd better go to the GP. Thanks again.

I am here to talk to- anytime. I was very ill after have my DS 15 months ago & wish I had of had someone to talk to when I was feeling so miserable (do still get days like that to be honest).

I haven't got much advice to offer, Rocket.
Obvioulsy GPs vary hugely in terms of how well they understand psychological/physiological problems like this - and I think Rogers makes a good point about possible hormone imbalance.
I'd be surprised, if you say what you've said here, though, if a GP would fob you off with ADs.
Have you also thought about seeing a dietician, though? Sometimes sorting out diet can make a huge difference to these sort of overwhelming, unexplained mood swings.
Good luck.

Thanks very much. That's very, very good of you. I'm here too, if you'd like to chat.

It's awful, isn't it? How are you feeling now?

I looked forward SO much to having a little child and I feel like I'm ruining her early years. She's going to grow up hating me, and rightly so.

Tchootnika, thanks very much.

Diet was the first thing I thought, although I've always had a good diet. I've started taking Evening Primrose and multi-vitamin and mineral, just in case. I've cut back on the coffee too.

In the past (pre-children) I drank FAR too much alcohol, to block the feelings (silly, I know, I know) but I've not really had much to drink in recent years.

"Sometimes it feels as though it would be really satisfying to smack her, hard across the face and send her flying. I won't do this. I hate the thought of it. "

Lots of parents have these feelings, whether they are mentally ill or not. You are clearly a loving mother as these feelings are causing you distress. These feelings are so common as to be normal.

There is a huge difference between feelings and wishes. There is also a huge difference between wishing harm on someone and actually doing harm.

If you don't want to go down the drug route you could try online CBT living life to the full or maybe try mindfulness medication. You would learn to ignore the distressing thoughts and manage stress better.

There are are range of anti depressant medication you can try and not all anti depressants have awful side affects.

Your DD will not hate you...you are her mummy & you will get through this.
I feel on-edge most days...waiting for the outburst to 'pop' out of no-where. I am the same as you...longed for my baby & fear my outbursts will ruin these years. Have never read anyone's post I could relate to like this before. I am very grateful & thankful for your offer - support is important.
I am taking agnus cactus for my abnormal bleeding- working well- just wish the moods would settle.
Are you open to alternative medicines?
I found prescription medicine did nothing to help me. Alternative was more affective... May be worth at least researching & mentioning to the GP.

This might sounds strange, Rocket, but are you eating oranges/citrus?
I was munching/gulping away at citrus and orange juice, thinking all was fine as far as that went, but also feeling utterly, utterly crap (physically and much of the time emotionally) with no explanation: not depressed, not troubled, etc...
It was pointed out to me that oranges can be really, really bad for women's hormonal balance - came as a surpise, but I tried cutting them out, and felt much, much better really quickly (also then cut out coffee and alcohol without even trying. Just didn't feel like them anymore. Which is great!)
And i was amazed that something I'd thought of as so healthy was having such an unexpected effect.
Could be something else, of course, but I reckon a good dietician might well pinpoint something straight away that could make a huge difference.

I know this might sound like dismissing, but I'm not, really not - when I used to feel like this it was either poor blood sugar/extreme exhaustion OR a feeling like my emotional bank was empty and I just had no warmth left for me or anyone, but not for a child going on and on and on and not feeding back to me in a nice way. The last feeling was definitely because I had had no adult conversation that didn't revolve around 'the children' and too much child only time. I'd forgotten what the future was about, who I was and what I liked to talk about. It wasn't a disease or condition, just a particular type of mum-type cabin fever...

I was lucky because I only realised this because a pal who was missing my company made me arrange childcare and have a 'before motherhood' night out, talking about men, dressing up, flirting, being silly and drinking shots of tequila. Man I felt awful in the morning but goddam it reset me so much. I woke up the next day feeling like I knew who I was again. Just saying in case it helps... sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time....

Go to the GP. Tell them how you feel. Explain about your previous experience with anti-depressants. They might want to do blood tests for a hormone imbalance or be able to put you in touch with a therapist. There are lots of possibilities.

You sound like you are incredibly tense. Exercise can actually help regulate mood well. It gives a boost to seratonin levels and can be a chance to get rid of all the anger and stress. You could try going to a gym or swimming - GPs can sometimes write a prescription for exercise (for weight issues) that gives reduced gym membership for a limited time. Maybe they could for possible depression?

Hey Rocketlollies - firstly well done for admitting the horrible-ness of how you feel. It is not easy to admit, even anonymously, how you feel like smacking your child, screaming at your family and wanting to run away from home... its a very scary thing to admit to yourself, because you can feel like 'I'm losing it'. Depression can come presented with many different 'faces' to it - it's how you cope with life and how it makes you feel. You do need to speak honestly to a GP - discuss your concerns over previous depression diagnoses and antidepressants, and your anger and inner rages, but also how guilty you feel about feeling like this and the impact it is having on your life and relationships with your dh and dd.

Can I ask if you work or a stay at home mum?? Do you meet up with friends and their kids regularly? It can be hard to speak to your friends about how you're feeling, but if you can get the courage to speak to a trusted one or two you may find out just how common your experiences are. The difference is that you are feeling so so bad and stressed and guilty about it that it is having a negative effect on your life at the minute. Missingfriendsandsad said about cabin fever and that does affect things. I have a 2 year old dd and her demands and tempers and stuff can really wear me out and test my patience and even my sanity.

Being diagnosed with Depression isn't the worst thing in the world and there are plenty of different ADs out there that could help. But your GP will know best and discuss the best treatment option for you. Keep in touch with your progress. xx