Is there a support thread for those of us living with partners with MH issues?

[HolofernesesHead]

If not, how's about it?

This is me being v. brave really - I've been married for 14 yrs and all that time my dh has suffered from anxiety and depression. It's pretty tough atm. I've only just started talking about it and the way it affects me and the dc (who are 9 and 7). I'd love to know that I'm not the only one in this kind of situation. Any takers?

I would like this too. DH diagnosed bipolar a few years ago and we've had a terrible time since. He's lived away from us for a year now, but I still 'live' with his MH, support him, go to MH meetings and monitor his condition.

Count me in. In fact, I'm amazed this doesn't exist here already.

My DH has been given various MH diagnoses over the years - depression, bipolar, schizophrenia - but he doesn't seem to fit exactly into any one category. He has been in hospital for observation the past six weeks or so and we hope that this will give his psychiatrist a better idea of what is wrong with him. I don't know if he will ever be able to live a normal life really. Our two DC are young, 1 and 5, so I'm not sure what the impact is on them as yet. DH doesn't interact with them as much as a healthy father would; I do most of the child rearing.

Can I join? DH has always been bit of a stress-bunny. In recent years it's escalated into full-on depression. He's suffered for 3.5 years continuously, including a spell of 9 months off work in 2008. He attempted suicide 3 nights ago. Married for nearly 3 decades and DCn are away at uni. OK, that's enough about me - who's next up?

[pops head round door] Hope it's OK for me to come in. I have MNed off and on for several years but don't remember a specific partners' support thread, i think it's a great idea. DH has had mental health problems all his adult life but has only been in hospital twice. There have been slow changes in how he is, he's much 'better' now in that he isn't kaiboshed with major depression every couple of weeks, but instead of crippling depression and psychosis he now has anxiety, anger and psychosis. He is quite angry with me a lot of the time (though never ever violent). He expresses on a regular basis how hopeless and bleak the world seems and how dreadful everything in his past was, and by gum I have to say it can be hard going. I feel guilty when he's lovely, as he often is, for thinking things like I would warn ds against having a serious relationship with someone with mental health problems - but i would!

Theycallmemimi, how's it going now? have you all got some support at the moment?

Can I resurrect this thread to ask for some support?

Dh has had depression for years. Things have been much more bearable and our relationship much better since he started citalopram (been on it 3 years now).

My problem: Most of the time dh is outwardly apparently 'normal' although he gets stressed and low at times. And most of the time we get on very well and support each other dealing with our dcs. But every now and then if I do something that he sees as 'nagging' or 'humiliating' him he threatens suicide. The nagging/humiliating can be incredibly trivial e.g. tonight I asked him (in a friendly enough and not stressy voice) not to eat roast potatoes out of the dish with his fingers and use a fork. He said 'I don't do that' and the dcs both said 'yes, you do dad, you just did it,'. This he interprets as me humiliating him in front of the children, 'everyone is against him' and therefore life is not worth living. Another time the trigger was me grumbling that he hadn't replaced a loo roll when he'd used it up.

He has not made suicide threats in front of the children but he does lie on the floor muttering under his breath ("no point going on" etc) and/or storming off and threatening never to come back. Of course this terrifies me and upsets the children and so I end up begging him to 'come back' and pleading with him to accept my apologies. This has happened about once every 2 or 3 months for the past year and each time it's when I have been mildly irritated about a trivial matter and have expressed this to him. I'm not a saint and probably I sometimes I show irritation out loud which may translate to him as nagging.

But I am starting to feel manipulated. It feels like my punishment for daring to express any irritation is an automatic 'now look what you've done - you've made me want to kill myself.'

I don't know whether to take this seriously. Is he so depressed that such a tiny thing really tips him over the edge? Or is he using his illness to punish me for annoying him? I don't think I can be a patient saint every minute of every day .

AAGGGGGHHH. Advice desperately needed.

no - if he wants to kill himself he will anyway, whatever you say to him.

conversely it is unlikely that you saying "use your fork" in itself will make him kill himself.

stop begging and pleading with him - look him in the eye -

"well yes dear if you wish to try to kill yourself because i asked you to replace the loo roll please do let me know so i can call 999".

otoh if he has actually, really tried to kill himself before - then when he has gone off; then next time say nothing just call 999 and have police go after him. has he ever self harmed or attempted suicide?

I am so sorry to hear that other people are going through similar things to me. My husband is currently in hospital with what I suspect it bipolar. We have lived with his mood swings for years and this time he totally flipped out. It is great that he now recognises there is a problem and that this is not all my fault. I have three children who think he is away for work. I am holding up but it is really hard. So far I have had some emails from him but also requests of no contact while he sorts himself out. Honestly I have been so understanding for years and taken so much (including physical violence) I just don't know that I care anymore. He wrote to me yesterday asking specifically for me to take some clothes to him. I can't do it because of half term but I am not sure I want to go anyway. I feel terrible but I think our relationship is over but I feel like a total bitch leaving him now. I really have no idea what to do.

cutie - i went thru this in 2007 with (now)exP voluntarily admnitted after some v scary behaviour. including physical violence.

tell your dc the truth that he is ill and in hospital - they will have seen the mood swings anyway - so it will help them to actually be told what is going on. that he is getting help to get better.

if you want to stay way then do so - you can leave his stuff at the reception or ask someone else to drop it off

you need to focus on you and dc.

what support do you have?

best thing would be that he does not come back to family home - that he stays elsewhere til you can realy see what the future is going to be.

for me it was a turning point - but what helped to see where to go was talking to counsellor (via NHS) - please go to GP and get referred you need to talk thru this traumatic event and talk thru your options for the future; take a lot of time before deciding - just going back to how it was is not the answer; if you do eventually decide to "have him back" you need clear boundaries set.

pm me if you like

I too am struggling with DP. I love him so much but he can be so nasty to me when he is having one of his episodes and of course it is always my fault. He wont listen or reason and ends up storming off for hours at a time. He then gives me the cold shoulder for a couple of days. This hurts so much as I am the type of person who doesnt like to go to bed on an argument and likes to talk things through, this agrivates him and makes him worse.

He is taking citalopram and I have asked him to go back to the doctors because I don't think it is working, we have one of these rows nearly every other day and it is chipping away at me. He calls me a freak, weirdo, tells me I am off my rocker, off my head etc. Recently he told me to f**k off in a restaurant and walked off leaving me sitting alone and humiliated. He just doesn't see how much it hurts me when he acts like this. Even after an episode he doesn't apologise, he just suddenly acts normal again. He refuses to go back to the doctors saying he is fine.

I want to help him, I understand he is ill but it is making me ill. I feel as though I am walking on egg shells all the time and daren't air my views or feelings. He is starting me make me feel like I am the one with the problem.

I would be grateful for some advice on how to cope.

go to gp yourself.
ask gp if your P's diagnosis goes with telling you to F off etc.

ask if his diagnosis means he HAS to insult you.

you need to clarify in your own mind what is unacceptable behaviour and what is caused by illness.

you are not obliged to live like this.

if he says he is fine - well maybe he is - and he is just an awful person.

he is giving you a problem - either depression fallout or just being abused. or mix of both.

was he ever totally nice ? and it all changed with his "illness"?

being ill does not justify awful behaviour - and if his illness means awful behaviour then he gets treatment for it - or you make sure you get respite away from this behaviour

spend some time apart go spend a weekend with nice people who will treat you nicely....

Hi, popping in to join if that's okay. We had a brief improvement of DH's behaviour and it all went haywire over the last week, with a huge fallout last night. He was just back to work and now is going to GP again this morning to get signed off. At this rate, he'll probably be sacked from work, which is another huge concern.

I am just not dealing with this well. I refuse to leave him alone with the children as he seems quite unstable to me. I suggested he go stay with his mother or his sister (they both live alone and would be quite happy to allow him to stay with one of them for a week or so) and have a break from the stresses of the children (one of our children has SNs and is a huge amount of work and stress sometimes) as well as giving us a break, as he is constantly looking for an argument and I'm just tired of it and need the break. I feel like I am living in a war zone sometimes. He refuses to go stay with her one minute then makes this big dramatic "fine if you want me out of the house and don't want me living here anymore then so be it" nonsense. I think I'm going to have to insist on him going there for a week. It'll be difficult work for me here, as it puts all responsibility for everything on me, but at least then the children are reeling from the fallout of the arguments and the instability of it all.

Personally, I think he needs to go into hospital but I don't see him ever doing it voluntarily. He says he wants to stay here and he'll "be better." That hasn't worked in the last year much, so I can't see it working now.

He does the awful behaviour too, and I can see it slipping into worse behaviour, and in public as well, which is so humiliating. Nothing like having your DH have a go at you in the middle of the high street or supermarket to make your day. I just need a break from all his stress. It's tearing me apart.

triggles yes you need to insist he goes away if mother or sister agreeable.

you need some head space and time to think of next move.
he needs time out as well.

make it time limited if it helps (tho you know once he there you have option to extend it...)

stres of SN son contributed to my exP's breakdown etc - and he got violent with him - be careful if he sees your SN child as "source" of his stress.

have you talked to GP?
do you have ss disabled childrens team involved? talk to them too.

cestlavielife - I insisted today and he's agreed to go to sister's house for a few days. If need be, I will extend it. He has a GP appointment on Tuesday, soonest he could get. Yes that re the SN stress is exactly what I'm worried about.

I haven't gotten ss disabled childrens team involved at this point. i'm waiting to see how this weekend goes.

Hi, new to mumsnet. My husband of 12.5 years has recently had a breakdown - triggered he thinks by us returning to the UK from overseas this year. I think that's part of it, plus other things, I suspected he was depressed well over a year ago but he wouldn't get any help, it's also taken him a while to find a job here though he's had an offer now.

He's adamant our family (2 DCs aged 11 & 8) have to return to live in Australia next year and is totally obsessed by regretting all he threw away in Oz (even though it was him who originally wanted to come back). He's on anti depressants and is no longer suicidal but still depressed. Sad thing is that DCs & me are loving being back here (away 5 years) but his depression is tearing us apart and he can't/won't see how well things are working out for us here. I'm bothered by the affect it's having on them, they're doing fantastically well at school but getting upset at home by DH's behaviour. It's like living with a stranger :( I don't know how best to help them, they're good readers - does anyone know of any books I can get for them, I 've explained that Daddy is sick but living with his constant sighs of regret is exhausting.

As for me, i've just had enough. Our marriage hasn't been good for a while and we've had some earlier in the year and are currently going to Relate, but he's too obsessed with returning to Oz next year to talk about anything else. I have some good friends but am also trying to find my own feet here again and cope with everything and he is so utterly self absorbed I feel like I'm on my own with 3 children. It's so difficult to get him to do anything to help himself and he wakes me up at night groaning and shouting.

So that's me, would love to hear how others cope and how to handle it with their children.

We had counselling earlier in the year, not sure where word went!

ipomegrante - my ex was obsessive over obsessing about decisions taken being iwonrg ; if only we moved to x country everything would be wonderful; etc etc - couldnt move forward. thank goodnes si did not take those mjor decisions for him....would have been even more of a disaster... please dont make any decisions in the hope it will cure him - do what is best for you andDC right now.

at some point you relaise nothing you do for him will be enough -he ahs to find a way thru himself; you meanwhile have to make decisionsthat are right for you and DC.

a good book as basis for discussion is
www.amazon.co.uk/Can-Catch-Like-Cold-Depression/dp/088776956X - it does raise the suggestion talking to someone eg counselllor -for the child(ren) which isnt a bad thing - there are young carers groups across the coutnry for example.

Thank you cestlavie, I know you are right. So hard to find the balance between supporting him and not trying to rescue/fix him. I keep falling into the latter because he just won't do anything to help himself and I know it's not helpful long term.

He has an appointment with a link worker at the cmht today so I'm hoping that will be useful. He's only been on anti ds for 5 weeks, he's not suicidal anymore but they haven't really lifted his depression at all otherwise. Hoping that they might start to really kick in over the next couple of weeks.

Will take a look at those books - thanks.

can I join? My DH who i love very deeply, has suffered from depression on and off for nearly 30 years. We have been together for 8. Last week, in spite of having been on an 'up' for sometime and using citalopram, something I did (let him know that I had found out about irresponsible spending and borrowing) tipped him into the abyss and he took an overdose. He was on deaths door, spent three days in hospital, came out but was readmitted on Tuesday and is still in, having tests on heart and liver after suffering some very alarming after-affects. While in hospital he has been given a diagnosis of Bipolar disorder. This has given both of us a sense of releif as it makes sense of alot of things including his manic shopping habit which has landed us in an enormous amount of debt. I am so tired, having been running around this week visiting him as much as i can, making arrangements for the children to be looked after by others and covering up with a food poisoning story for the children and people who are around us but not close. I am so worried about possible long-term affects, but have can only wait and see. Goind to bed now as I am exhausted, but it feels good to get this off my chest to you guys in cyberspace and to feel that I am not the only one suffering the consequences of my partners depression.

please sit and explain to your DC the truth - that he has a mental health problem, in words they understand. they need explanation for his odd behaviours too.

there are some good books - what age are DC?

oh and if he being looked after in hosp you dont need to spend every waking hour visiting him - he is being looked after - focus on you and DC. DC need you much more right now.

and it wasnt something YOU did that made him take overdose so dont put guilt on yourself for that. tehr eality was going to be found out sometime. and after the high comes the low -regardless of what you do or dont do.

and dont cover up you can jsut say "he is ill" with no explanation but please dont put out food poisoning story - it wont help you long term.

• yu will eb surprised at the number of other people who have/have had experience of mental health - tell the truth you will get more support that way, not less.....

Can I gate crash for a moment???

cestlavielife - do you know of any good books to explain mental illness to small children (6&3)

I have been apart from ExH for over two yrs (and never been happier tbh) but things seem to be going tits up re access/contact WRT to the kids

I have explained that daddy is not very well etc and sometimes he is not well enough to ring/see them (he lives in Ireland and does not bother calling for long periods of time, currently he has not seen them since June)

But think it would help to have a book to explain it better iyswim.

Folks we are all in good company. I can identify with so many things I've read here. I'm now seeing a counsellor just for me. One really useful thing she said was that I had to guard against becoming his carer and that if he is going to kill himself he will do it regardless of what I do. I remind myself of this when he goes off on a flaky like ha has been all weekend so far.

www.amazon.co.uk/Can-Catch-Like-Cold-Depression/dp/088776956X for the 6 year old to read with him...

see the linked related books underneath as well --for younger children the big bag of worries to get them to talk about it

www.amazon.co.uk/Huge-Bag-Worries-Virginia-Ironside/dp/0340903171/ref=pd_sim_b_3