Obsessive thoughts + anxiety sneaking up again 39 weeks PG...

[Tamashii]

I don't want to end up in the position I was in with DS when he was born where I ended up nearly having a total breakdown but managed - with huge help from kind mumsnetters on this board - to get myself some help going to the GP and getting counselling although CBT was recommended, the waiting list was like a year long.

Anyway, I can feel all the old issues creeping up again and I know I am in for sleepless nights with a newborn which really f*cks up my head (getting no sleep I mean) and I am starting to obsess over people not liking me, being a shit mother, thinking "What have I done? I don't want 2 kids" which is totally untrue. I know it isn't true.

I am starting to dread going to pick up DS from nursery because they keep going on about his behaviour and how he sometimes shouts and nips (he is 3 and started nursery for the first time 3 weeks ago) when he is tired/overexcited. They NEVER have anything positive to say but will ALWAYS point out anything negative he has done when I collect him. I then spend the rest of the night asking him over and over what he was doing at nursery, was he naughty, did he push/hit/nip anyone, what the teachers say to him, who he talks to.... He is 3. He can hardly even tell me what he has done that day as half is made up imaginative stuff and half is probably things he has been playing/learning at nursery. The teachers say "Oh, no don't worry! I just have to make you aware that he was told off for nipping today... Not to worry - he's just settling in" but I think they are going "You are a shit parent, your child is out of control and we are going to label him disruptive unless you get him to behave when you are not around to keep him under control". He is actually quite a softie at home and I used to have to tell him not to let other kids steal toys from him or push him around. Now it seems I have created a monster and I give him a major hard time about it when he gets home and it's only when DH comes home and DS runs to him to get cuddles I realise "Whoah - I am totally obsessing over this..." and I feel like crying and cuddling him the rest of the night because I am being such a crazy bitch.

I also feel like I don't fit in anywhere again, that everyone hates me and that everyone is looking me up and down or ignoring me when in fact I am sure (in my rational moments) that everyone else is busy getting on with their day and hardly even notice me. I am just another mum dropping off their kid at nursery. I worry about every little thing. I have to go and collect DS in about an hour and am getting wound up already thinking "What bitchy little comment will they have to say today about his behaviour????" and I will go in there on the defensive and he will likely be rolling around on the floor overtired not being told if that is acceptable or not so how the f*ck does he know how to behave if they don't show him (he doesn't roll around on the floor carrying on like that at home) bla bla bla....

Sorry - this has just turned into a huge mind dump rant. This is my problem at the moment! Any of my recent posts have gone off on one like this and it's like I just can not stop my mind from running away with me!

I am trying so hard to rationalise things and it's like it works for a few minutes like they were handing out leaflets asking if we would be interested in "Child Behaviour Classes Course" and I instantly thought "Oh, right - you think I am a shit parent and my son is out of control" but they actually said they had almost run out of fliers because ALL the parents were getting them in case they wanted to attend. Rationally my brain tried to say to my mind "Oh, all the parents are getting them. It will be some course they have funding for and if enough parents want to attend it will be set up but if no one wants to they will spend their funds on something else. No point in setting up a course when no one will attend" and I was happy with that... for about 20 mins. Then the rage and anger and obsessing began again "No - they think my DS is out of control - they probably think I am some idiot who lets him run riot at home etc etc etc"

I have to force myself to stop now. I AM SO SORRY for ranting on AGAIN. This is the problem! I just can not stop! I am exhausted from being so pregnant, can't sleep at night which ALWAYS makes my mental stability go off and the constant obsessive thoughts just run round and round like a little train speeding round a circular track going over and over and over.

Help! It's all so trivial as well! There are so many people I know who are really dealing with some serious problems just now and I seem to be locked in my little mind with these silly obsessions when there are such bigger issues I should be clearly facing up to. AAAAAAAAAAAH

Dear Tamashii

This isn't trivial. Its your mental health and you're doing absolutely the right thing to express it and ask for help.

Being a mum is the most challenging and the most important job in the world (I hate it when people say "I'm just a mum"!) so if you need some support to get your confidence back that will not only benefit you but also your children.

Don't think you're being self-indulgent. Anything you learn about how to mange your emotional state is brilliant stuff that you can teach your children and help them live happy, healthy lives.

I work on this stuff every day with clients as I'm a Happiness Coach, and everyone struggles to some extent with this kind of thing. But its particularly hard to get our unhelpful thinking under control when we're exhausted and hormonal, so don't beat yourself up for it!

There are all sorts of exercises I use to help people you be rational and kind to themselves when they most need it (and believe me, I needed to learn it too!) but for now I'll say just this - when you find yourself going crazy say "STOP". Then chose what you DO want. Do it over and over, every time you need to. Like anything it gets easier with practice.

Unlike many coaches I don't work on the phone, as I find it far more effective to work fact to face, but if you're in London you're welcome to come and see me for a session if you want. My website is www.timeforachange.biz. Or ask around for other recommendations. Look for someone who does NLP which is brilliant for this kind of thing. Just don't wait a year for CBT - deal with it now! If you're on a restricted income, some coaches do reduced rates - you just need to ask.

I must go to bed now. All power to you to get this sorted - it IS do-able!

Thanks for the reply. I honestly thought no one would even read that huge rant. I was really off on one yesterday and it was out of control.

Thanks for the link. I have NO money just now to get any kind of therapy and I am not in London anyway but I did have hypnotherapy years ago for my obsessive thinking and anxiety which really helped. They also recommended CBT and some new therapy they were working on but I just couldn't afford it sadly.

I will remind myself to STOP! as this was part of my thought training in the past but it's just that at the moment things are getting out of hand again and I feel a bit out of control hence that massive brain dump yesterday.

Thanks so much for the reply. It really means something that someone heard me :)

Tamashii, you are not alone, really. I have DS1, 3.5 and DS2 just 12 weeks. I have had bad anxiety and depression in the past several times but not really badly since having children. However, it has come back with a vengence since Ds2 (who doesn't sleep) and I have just been put onto ciltalopram (anti depressant, also for anxiety), as Health visitors suspect PND is starting. Sleeplessness and hormones account for so much I think.

I understnd exactly what it is like. I have started to 'talk' to the voice in my head, asking it to 'please stop, you are not helpful, I don't want to hear that etc'. Then I really do feel like I am losing the plot . It actually seems to help though, as it makes me acknowledge that the negative, paniky feelings and thoughts are not 'me' they are just a bit of me that I can control. Not always, like you I try to rationalise it and then it gets me again really quickly. I think it is little steps and trying to gradually feel better and better over time. I don't think we will conquer it in one day.

Do you have support? DH has taken the day off today and that is a help. I also have lovely PILs and mum around me. How do you feel about medication to support you? It has really helped me in the past (I am EBF but it is ok - a well mum is the most important thing). Can you talk to your HV or GP?

With regards your nursery, remember you are their customer. If you are not happy tell them (or get DH to if you feel unable). Perhaps look at other options if you think there is a chance they are not helpful (rather than you just having a poor perspective of it). I moved DS to a different one and he was much happier and so was I! Be kind to yourself and try to lighten up on your DS for your sake - he won't remember any of this but you'll beat yourself up if you start feeling guilty. He sounds like a normal 3 year old, I'm sure nursery have seen worse.

Feel free to PM me. It really helps to have someone to talk to who is going through it and knows how it feels. Keep ranting if it helps.