soo stressed

[marshkat]

im feeling really really stressed, have been for about a week. need some support as i feel totally alone. I have been on ADs for over 8 months, i had an abortion 3 years ago today (I know some people will turn there heads away from me for that) i still fell really guilty about it as i would do anything for a child of my own. I have 2 step children 4 and 10 who live with us full time, due to there biological mum physically abusing the youngest. my partner got a letter from solicitor this week saying that ex is taking him to court, its been 6 months since she had them living with her. then it was only 2 times a week. she now has a baby who is 2 months old but my step children, really are not interested. the oldest refuses to see or talk to her mum, the youngest sees her for 1 hour every few weeks, supervised by myself and partner which is happening today, feeling anxious. I know advice will be to get some counciling, i have had previously, but i honestly do not have time to fit it in, if im not at work then i have the children.

partner is very supportive, but has lots to deal with at the moment, i feel like i keep pushing him away and we keep arguing about kids.

please will someone talk to me, feeling very alone. Sorry to beg. I dont know where else to turn.

Hi Marshkat - I think Sundays is probably a bad day to post as people maybe don't go on MN so much. I certainly can sympathise with you about the guilt you feel about the abortion, and today obviously is going to throw this into sharp focus because it is the anniversary. One of my closest friends had an abortion some years ago, but she still suffers guilt from time to time and cannot talk about it without sobbing and feeling out of control. She won't see a counsellor as she doesn't believe it will help.

I may be wrong but isn't it really difficult to have 2 step children living with you, when you don't have a child of your own. Can I ask if this is because you don't want your own children, or it just hasn't happened.

I think situations like this when ex's start talking about going to court is always going to create great tension in the family. Can I ask what basis the children are placed with you - is it a voluntary agreement between the parents, or does your DP have a Residence Order on the children and the mother has defined Contact. If this is the case then the mother can go back to court to ask to vary the Residence Order in her favour, but she would have to evidence how things have improved since the order was made. Childrens wishes and feelings have to be taken into consideration and the 10 year old is certainly old enough for his view to be taken very seriously.

If however this was an informal arrangement, then presumably the mother is going to apply for a Residence Order (meaning the children live with her on a permanent basis) and if you and your DP disagree then your DP will have to also make application for a Residence Order. Matters like these are investigated by social workers who work for CAFCASS (Child and Family Court advisory service) and then they make a recommendation to the court about which parent the children should have their permanent home with by way of a Residence Order and the other parent is almost always awarded contact. Alll decisions taken are in the best interests of the children, not the warring parents.

Is there any possibility that your DP and his ex get together to discuss this amicably because getting assessed by a social worker can take months and inevitably if the matter gets to the family court, one parent will feel he/she has won and the other lost. Also it is very bad for children to know that their parents are "fighting" for them. The other thing is that most couples apply for Legal Aid so that they can get a solicitor to handle their case, and the govt is withdrawing Legal Aid in private law cases (which these matters are) I think quite soon. This will mean that if anyone wants a solicitor to represent them they will only get one if they can afford to pay (and it is very expensive) or they will have to represent themselves.

Back to you Marshkat - sorry but I am going to say you need some good therapy. The thing is that this trauma of 3 years ago has been buried, and once the top soil has been scraped away, there it is waiting to bring back the feelings of guilt and god knows what else. It needs to be unearthed - not so that you will forget it as this obviously isn't possible but therapy can make it more manageable. You say you have been on ADs for 8 months - what happened for you to need ADs.

You say you are arguing about kids - do you really want these step children to live with you on a permanent basis - fine if you do, but if you have any reservations, you must say so.

Take care and hoping to hear back from you.

Thank you nananina for your advice and knowledge. i absolutely adore my step children, i feel like they are my own. i accept that they are part of my partners life and that means they are part of mine, i wouldnt be with out them. well maybe once a month for an evening would be good!!!

8 months ago was when their mum physically abused the youngest in the most awful way, dont really want to say too much on here, but she has been cautioned twice for what she did in one incident and has a section 41 as well as social services placing kids in our care full time, i think this was obviously the trigger for depression as i do NOT understand why any person could think about hurting a child let alone your own son who only wouldnt make his bed!

I do one day hope to have my own children, im hoping one day soon. but i honestly think that i need to try and at least control my anxieties first for the sake of everyone in my family.

i must sound horrid, as i actually have a great partner, fab step kids, nice house and a decent job. but i know there is an imbalance in my brain and it causes me and my family a great deal of stress.

i have another appointment to see GP next week. thanks again for your advice.