Lost

[Erienne]

I haven't got a clue where this topic should go so appologies if it is in the wrong place. I had a quick search looking for a topic that matches my problem. I have posted before about my depression (in Am I being unreasonable) and since then haven't really been on the boards. The words just aren't coming at the moment so Im sorry if this jumps around a bit.

I am 26 and married with one son. He is 1. My husband and I have known each other for 10 years now but only got together about 4 years ago and have been married for 3. I was first diagnosed with depression the easter after I turned 17 when I was in the middle of my A.S. levels and struggling to do my psychology work ( a class I took through my 6th form but was actully a one evening a week distance learning course). My chemistry teacher told me later that she had been very worried about me for a matter of months before my eventual break down the friday before the easter holidays began. Since then I have had about 3 more breakdowns and have been on medication on and off for about 6 years.

To add to the problem I have what has been called Vertigo. It isn't vertigo and I am still struggling to get a suitable diagnoses. The lates thinking is that it may be a sleep disorder that is brought on by my depression.

As I mentioned in july I have been without support from the mental health team since DS was born. This is to do with cross-boundry issues about where I live and which health trust I fall under. I did eventually get an appointment for a consultant psychiatrist and have been given a care co-ordinator. Before I had these in place I asked for some help and have a Team around the Child through Sure Start. They have been trying to help but mostly waiting for the mental health team to be involved to really get down to what help I need. The TAC have been focusing on getting me out and about with DS and accessing classes both for me and for DS. I start one such course next wednesday which me care coordinator had also suggested to help with confidence and self esteem.

The consultant had recommended a change of medication (from 40mg citalopram to 30mg mirtazapine) I came off my citalopram suddenly because I had forgotten to get the prescription repeated but it coinsided with my first meeting with my care coordinator so decided to tough it out for the week before getting the new prescription for mirtazapine. Now this may not have been my best idea but whats done is done. It has been a tough couple of weeks and is slowly getting more manageable. The problem came on tuesday when my DH had to go to work and DS was being twisty. The day hadn't started well because my DH had split his work trousers the previous day and they needed fixing again. I decided to use the sewing machine this time since I had hand sewn them three times already. The sewing machine and I had an extended argument where a needle got broken before it finally decided to pick the lower thread up so I could actually fix the trousers. It took three or four attempts to get the tension right and then, after 20 mins of swearing etc, I fixed the trousers. Well DS decided that he had finished his nap, afer only 45 mins, and wanted to be up. I didn't get anytime to calm down or get my breakfast or anything I normally do while he has his nap so I was already on a high when DH brought him down. Now I'm sure he picks up my mood as he then was twisty the whole time while I wrestled the fireguard back together (another long tale) and I ended up shouting at him to shut up. He didn't because he doesn't understand and then this cloud of rage decended on me and I left him in the sitting room in his walker and went into the kitchen. I closed the doors and started cleaning, which is my control when I am having a depressive episode. It didn't calm me down very much and I started to get frightened of my self and the rage that was hovering just below the surface. I decided to ring my family worker to ask cry for help. She came straight round, with another worker, and helped me calm down and stopped me mentally beat my self up. It took a while but I did feel better. When she went back to the office she rang my care coordinator to tell her what had happened etc. (she had told me she would do that so I didn't mind) My Care coordinator was coming out on wednesday anyway so I would of told her then anyway. The rest of tuesday past without incident and on wednesday my care coordinator came out and I talked to her and told her about the book I had been reading about maternal depression (The Ghost in the House by Tracy Thompson) and how a lot of the things described in it matched how I was feeling ang what I was thinking. Now she was really lovely, as my family support worker had been the day before, but she said she felt that she needed to inform social services and there needed to be a Child in Need assesment to see what other help could be given. She did stress that neither her or any of the TAC people where worried about DS but they were worried about me. At this stage in the game I know I need more help than I'm getting but I was still worried when she said social services needed to be involved. I think the problem is that the only thing you hear about social services is they take children away.

Just as a side note my mother- and father-in-law are foster parents.

Now I am as honest with my DH as I can been. I tell him how I feel and what I think. Sometimes it isn't straight away but I do tell him so when he rang on his break from work (he rings on every break he has) that the care coordinator was going to contact social services I could tell, even over the phone, that he wasn't happy and I felt even more of a failer. In fairness to my DH he has been trying to help out as much as he can and he gets up with DS every morning to let me have a lie in and a break but he needs time to himself as well and I know he feels helpless. Since wednesday there has been an anger about him. He has been talking to me about it and how out of control the situation feel and he has been reading things on the internet about what soical services are going to do etc and he is almost certain that they are going to try and take DS away, even if it is just while they do the assesment. It has come to a head today when I just couldn't take it any more and ended up staying in bed for most of the day. My DH went to see his sister and cousin and told them everything. I got really mad because I asked him not to because I feel that they will talk about me behind my back (I know that they won't do this in a malicious way but it just adds to my feelings of inadequacy and that they all think I'm a terrible parent)

I do know that I am a good mother and that I love my DS and my DH but my depression takes over me and I am not me anymore. I am frightened by my thoughts and feelings towards DS and DH and I feel that I have dont the right thing in asking for help but I feel like DH blames me for getting social services involved and that he will have to quit his job to look after me and DS. I know he has every right to his feelings and I do understand them but I find my self wishing he would shut up about his feelings when I am sinking into a pit. I feel so selfish when I think these things because he is involved as well. He keeps telling me things he has read about social services and what they are going to do and that they are more likely to ask for an interim order because I have depression. I feel that he is blaming me for being ill and for telling the truth. He asks what I have said to people and then says I need to make sure I don't say this or that and I get angry because I need them to know exactly how I feel. I am angry with the mental health service that they have left me without help for so long and put my family in danger. I think about just leaving because I think that they would all be better off without me. I am angry all of the time and don't trust myself.

In a nut shell I am lost. I don't know what to do for the best because I feel like I can't do right for doing wrong. It doesn't seem to matter what I do because someone isn't happy. I am so frightened that social services will take DS away from me but then there is a part of me that hopes they do so I can just have a breakdown without the guilt (that never happens though btw guilt is a major part in a breakdown, or at least it is for me) I feel like I have no energy to fight back and that I am always on edge. I jump at the smallest noise, my nerves are so tight that you could play them like a lute. I feel guilty because I can't listen to how my DH feels without thinking selfish thoughts and shouting at him. I find interacting with DS so much effort that even the thought of it sometimes is more that I can cope with. I feel even worse because he is such a good natured child who happily plays by himself. But he seems to know when I'm not well and obviously gets upset and whinges which I just can't take when I'm having a bad time which just makes him worse. I just don't know what to do.

I don't really know the point of this post I just needed to tell someone. I just need to know that I did the right thing in asking for help. I need to know that they can't just take DS. I just need to be not in my head for a bit.

Erienne

Just did the EPDS online test and got 26.

FUCK

sorry what is a epds test, im feeling alone too, and very over stressed. so i can sympathies with you. but im not much help sorry.

That is a very high core and a clear indication that your medication is not working. I can't tell from your post whether you have been on them long enough (ie a week or two) but if you have you need to be seen again and have your dose upped or your meds changed.

What are the qualifications of your care coordinator? Nurse/doctor/social worker? When are you next seeing the psychiatrist or your GP?

Let them help you with your dc, you are in a bad way and you need it for now (not forever). Sound like your dh is very caring (if he rings you every break) but speaking to someone who's been both ill herself and married to someone with major depressive episodes - he needs to talk about this, and you need to let him. You cannot expect him to keep this between you. Caring for someone as ill as you is not easy and he is entitled to support, so let that one go if you can.

For marshkat here

Oh Erienne - I am on the MH threads because I suffer from depression and anxiety from time to time, but I am retired and don't have small children to worry about.

I have spent 30 years of my working life as a social worker and team manager all of them in children's services. I just want to re-assure you that social workers first duty is to offer support and help to anyone who is struggling (whether that is because of mental health or some other reason). They cannot request an Order to remove your child (called an Emergeny Protection Order) unless they can prove that the child is suffering or likely to suffer from significant harm. Removing a child is a very last resort and all social workers know this.

I don't know what your DH has been reading/hearing when he is talking about Interim Orders - I'm afraid this is a case of a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. IF a child is so unsafe and neither parent can care for him then the social workers have to apply to a magistate's court for an EPO (Emergency Protection Order) and magistrates generally won't hear the social worker's evidence without the parents being present to put their side of the case. This Order only lasts for 7 days and if there is evidence that the child is not safe with either parent, then yes Social Services can apply to the Family Proceedings court for an Interim Care Order.

I'm not going to explain anything more about care proceedings because in your case this is NOT going to happen, so please will you and your DH stop worrying about your child being taken from you. I find it so sad that so many people still pereive social workers' main function as removing children from their parents. Your care co-ordinator will have contacted social services to see if there is any extra support that they can put in (some LAs have a "mum to mum" scheme) where an experienced mum visits mums who are struggling. They may consider paying for your little boy to have a day at nursery from time to time to give you a break. (Mind this isn't so likely these days as all LAs are cash strapped) what they won't be doing is looking for reasons to remove your little boy. OK...........now please believe me and show this to your DH. I think the only thing you have to worry about is that social services may not be able to offer a great deal because of the cuts in their budgets.

Incidentally could you consider your little boy having a day or so at nursery to give you a break, though I now that that is very costly.

Please keep posting and PM me if you want to.......NN

NanaNina - I want to thank you for your words, having some communication from someone who has worked in the situation is a godsend. Thank you for replying, you have set a lot of my worries at ease - Erienne's DH.

Erienne - glad I could help. Make sure your DH and other relatives know the score too.

Hi Madmouse, I have only been taking the new meds for about 11 days. My care coordinator is part of the mental health team. I don't know her exact qualifications as this is the first time I have had one. My DH is very caring and lovely. I know he needs help as well and I try not to get cross about it. It just hit a nerve the other day. I am feeling better about it in general though. He has rearanged his shifts at work to come to the TAC meeting this afternoon so hopefully we will both know more then.

NanaNina thank you so much for your posts. They have help DH to relax a bit. You are right in that a little knowledge is dangerous. DS did used to go to nursery one afternoon a week but DHs family got on our back about it and it was expensive. DHs family promised to have DS for the same time nursery did instead of him going there and so we took him out. Unfortunately they didnt stick to their promise so my "fixed" time that I knew I had every week went and we went back to just having the "firefighting" time when I really needed someone to have him even if it was just for an hour. The problem I had with taking DS out of nursery was that he wouldn't be getting the interaction with other children when he was with family. Also it would cut down on the "firefighting" time. I already feel very guilty for asking people to have DS and know I would feel worse asking them to have him in addition to the agreed afternoon a week. DH said when he spoke to some of his family on saturday that they were willing to each have DS one afternoon a week or one morning so that it is more of a routine. Only time will tell if this will happen or not. I am hoping that the TAC might be able to help with putting DS back in to nursery one afternoon a week as I think that DS would benefit from it.

I will update you all on what the TAC says this afternoon. Thank you all for your support.

Erienne

Sorry Erienne's DH - hadn't realised it was you posting!
How are things now Erienne - what is TAC by the way?

NanaNina - TAC is team around the child. It was set up a few months ago because I asked for some help. It works around the CAF thing (common assesment framework) It was put in place to help me with DS but it didnt do a whole lot untill I got my Care Coordinator. We had the 6 weekly meeting yesterday and met the new Health Visitor and my DH was able to attend this meeting and put his thought etc across. The care coordinator assured DH that it isnt child protection that the referal went to it is family services and that noone was going to take DS away etc. Talked about who would be taking over as lead practitioner as Wendy is going on maternity leave soon and talked about the course I start tomorrow which is to help self esteem and confidence. Thinking back now I can't really remember what was said or decided but DH found it helpful.

Attempted "accessing services" today by taking DS to messy play this morning. Had an ok time until I came home to the pigsty that is my house and since getting home at 12.50 I have just been full of rage and wanting to scream or throw things. Put DS down for his nap but I cant work up the courage to tidy the kitchen (which is the messiest place) because I am just so angry and I might just throw everything away (which is not a good idea)

I just want to throw plates and scream and swear and shout. Everything just irritates me at the moment. Im sitting next to the bin and DH has obviously put a shitty nappy in it and it stinks. Why didnt he just put it in the bin outside like I do and then the living room doesnt stink of shit?!

And now Ive just broken the keyboard because I got angry and slammed my hands down on it. Its just a vicious cycle. I get angry and do something then I feel guilty for doing it then I get even more angry then I break something else and it just goes on and on.

Oh Erienne - so glad you got to messy play, but so sorry you are feeling these rages. I wonder if they are a side effect of the new meds as I know that some ADs cause irritability, aggression and rages (just the thing you need when you are trying hard with new meds) Am I right in thinking it's quite early days with the new meds. Is the anger and rage a new thing or has it been part of a pattern for sometimes. I get into rages sometimes when I am having blips of anx/dep and I know how horrid it makes you feel.

I know so well that horrible feeling of being irritated all the time. Can you go back to the GP and tell him/her about what is happening or does/she already know. Could it be a side effect of the new meds that you are on do you think. If you can just lie on the floor or on your bed and breath in and out very slowly, feeling the rise and fall of your belly, trying to make the outbreath longer than the inbreath. Sorry if this sounds stupid, as most things do to me when I am in a bad blip, but it might be worth a try.

It's a couple of hours now since you posted ....... what time is DH home? Will he take over while you just get under a blanket and give yourself time to calm down..............sending warm wishes .......NN

Erienne - am away for a few days so won't be on line but do really hope that you can get some respite from the torment you are suffering.