So so low :(

[MrsBigD]

I just sent this to my husband... probably doesn't sound as bad as I feel but I was being nice. I'm so low... he seems to go 'into one' almost once a week now. I just can't cope anymore and don't know what else to do. You reckon I was a bit too accusing in this?

think we need to talk.
Statements like 'I need many things' and then turning away aren't exactly helpful.
Neither is coming home in a huff and giving me the feeling like I'm responsible for everything bar the 2nd world war.
It's not my fault the tube doesn't always run.
It's not my fault the toilet keeps packing up - and usually I'm the one sorting it out anyhow.
It's not my fault Leon doesn't sleep.
It's not my fault I lost my last job and now earn less.

It would be a start if you to talk to me instead of running round like a bear with a sore head.
And it's not nice to receive the silent treatment because I didn't do something you seem to take for granted...

There are many things I need and want too, but at the moment we have to forgo many things... it's called having a young family.

Live's not exactly how I imagined it either, but to blame the other in the relationship isn't the solution either. We need to work with each other in this not against each other or we might as well give up alltogether

p.s. will have to get ready to go to work now but will check this board once at work
Thank you for reading

I think it is a good e-mail, but you need to talk face to face, can you get someone to mind the children and go out to a restaurant where you will be able to talk, but you will be unable to shout at each other.

Sounds like a very calm and measured letter. I hope for you that he reads it and gets a reminder that he has to modulate his anger with life. You are not his emotional punchbag and he needs to realise that!

Sometimes I think men "forget" that you have to compromise and put your life on hold when you have children.

I'm just at a losss, because whenever we talk it gets better for a bit and then it starts all over again. Don't need to go to a restaurant or the like... we don't shout...

Why is it always that men think they've got it hard... helloooooo!!! It's not exactly a walk in the park for me either!

he's feeling claustrophobic and missing social interaction!!! Well bl*dy hll then get off your proverbial and do something about it. I'm past feeling low and have gone straight into angry!

If it gets better for a bit after you talk then that's good. That shows that you both have the ability to change things. You need to look at ways of prolonging that. Can you put your finger on what it is that makes things better for a while?

Well either it's him trying harder or me just turning a blind eye... usually it's silly things that set him off.

Once I told him he takes certain things way too seriously and always makes a major drama out of it. His reply 'I know... BUT'

Sometimes I wonder whether I just have a spoiled little boy at home who has a tantrum if not everything goes exactly his way...

Well perhaps you should deal with his tantrums in the same way you would deal with your child's tantrums ie don't get angry, calmly explain why this behaviour is not productive (ie there is no point causing a dispute over a late tube/broken toilet these things happen and moaning/blaming won't alter that fact) and most importantly get him to see that his behaviour has negative consequences such as it causes you both stress, it drives a wedge between you, it makes you (personally, not him) feel sad/scared/depressed etc. Don't turn a blind eye, but don't get angry, just try to communicate your feelings calmly. It means you have to be the bigger person initially but hopefully your calm behaviour will rub off on him eventually.

This approach worked with me and my dh. We were going through a stressful time ds was 2 and not really sleeping, we'd just left London to move up north, we were moving into a new house that was a total wreck, we had no social life worth speaking of etc etc. All of those external factors weighed in on our relationship and we were constantly rowing about all sorts of crap. In the end my sister advised me to take the calm approach and when I stopped responding to dh's gripes with my usual rage and instead tried to talk calmly about them I could see it totally threw him and he began to question his own methods of communication. It meant I had to take the initiative and really bite my lip but it paid dividends. Also it meant I had to acknowledge the times when I was behaving like a complete PITA (which was often) and work on ways to modify my behaviour so to speak.

We had a few painful conversations where we each identified the things that most irritated us about the other but it was a case of put all the cards on the table or go on arguing in circles for another year.

Sorry if this isn't helpful. I'm kind of making a few assumptions about your situation based on your postings. Ignore the bits you think are way off the mark.

Good luck and sorry you are feeling so rotten.

A few days down the line and we had another 'clash'...

I dared tell him he should finish xyz (which he alledgely never has time for) before doing abc (which he always finds time for)...

Also last couple of days nanny has been off sick and as he's been off on annual leave he had the kids. His mood is indescribable and I'm yet again getting the silent treatment.

He thinks 'getting out of the way' is the solution. Yeah right, because we take so well to being ignored and feeling like we're a burdon.

Oh and I asked him the question:
If I would behave the way he does how would he react?

Answer:
He'd have left by now! Simple.

Have to add that our last conversation was completely conducted by email whilst I was a work. Didn't trust myself talking to him face to face iykwim.

So were do we go from here?

Have sent him a link to 'Relate' to see what his reaction will be.

can only express sympathies MrsBigD. And Christmas is looming. "i need many things" sounds like an unhappy man. he might be depressed. On the other hand he is not your child..... and you are not solely responsible for his happiness. I hope that relate can help you sort some of it out. Take care

how did xmas go for you mrs bd, was your hubby happy or grumpy.