dealing with obsessive thinking -please, please tell me I am not alone

[racingmind]

Have started a thread before about anxiety/obsessive thinking/ inability to make decisions. I didn't admit this in as much detail before as I am scared of identifying myself but I am desperate, I need to know I am not alone in this.

Basically, I have the same obsessive thoughts from the moment I gain consciousness in the morning until I eventually pass out heavily medicated at night. This is not an exaggeration. I am on medication for anxiety and obsessive thinking but it is not helping.

I made a bad decision nearly a year ago now and I regret it so much I can't stand to be in my own skin and I cant think about anything else. I cant talk to anyone about it as it sounds ridiculous. My dp is at the end of his tether with me and the one friend i tried to talk to about this just said she cant understand at all why this upsetting me so much and made me feel like a total idiot.

I cannot eat all day due to my nerves and my head buzzes with anxiety and I have constant headaches and migraines because of this and it is preventing me being happy despite having the most amazing beautiful and good natured child who I longed for for years I also find making any decisions ever since this totally excrutiating as I have completely lost faith in myself as a result and do not trust myself to get anything right

I hate myself so much for not being able to get past what seems quite trivial to other people. If I said on here what the problem was you would think me either totally insane or just a complete joke.

I just need to know has anyone else felt like this and how the hell did you cope/ get over it. Please please tell me. I quite literally cant live like this anymore and am totally isolated by being unable to discuss this in rl.

hi, i'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I can understand to some extent as I've had some terrible times driving myself mad. I cannot recommend CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) strongly enough. it teaches you a new way of thinking and helps you learn to deal with your thoughts. It's tough and takes practice but it really does work. if you can, get referred by your GP and do it on private healthcare. If not, you'll probably have to wait a while to get it on the NHS. It worked for me (terrible time a few years ago) and I'm contemplating it again now (just had dc2 and struggling with lack of sleep due to my mind racing in the middle of the night, self-medicating with wine which is not helping). the key thing that stands out in your post is that you think people will think what you think is trivial and that you have lost faith in yourself. I really think CBT would help you. you should also discuss your meds f they are not working. have you been on them long?
best of luck... i'll check back in again tomrorow morning in case you want to ask me anything more (or mail privately).
sleep well

you sound completely stuck.
We all make bad decisions, no one gets it right every time... it is a way of learning.
There is often no right and wrong as such either, only when we look back do we see what the best path may have been...but how can we know we can only do our best at the time.
You sound lost and bewildered by this.. do you have other things in your life that we all need such as a trusted friend, privacy,respect from friends or family, a work or contribution to society, rest and food ?
Take steps to regain control for example decide tomake a decision every day and do something new every day
I did this a while back when I got very stuck with ptsd
Every day I had to wear a different outfit and every day I had to try something new however small.
So each day I wore a different top, just for me to make that choice each day. And when people suggested new things I tried it even if it was going out for a drink, or trying something different to eat. Or driving a different route to school etc.

Thanks for the replies. I did not sleep well last night and woke up this morning feeling as anxious as if there was someone standing over me with a gun to my head.

notchattingnow- yes i have a part time job and a good friend, but she doesn't understand my obsessiveness about this mistake I made no one does.

I know objectively that what you say about decisions is right, but that kind of logic means nothing to me emotionally. How my mind works is, I think of another option I could have chosen (hindsight) and fixate on it to the extent where all I can think is "if only I'd done X, I would be feeling ok. Its cos I made this huge mistake in choosing Y I have f**ed everything up for myself".

doireallywant3- can you tell me examples of what you did for your cbt that helped? My psych has referred me for further therapy but I dread having to talk about my childhood, which I know is the main reason for me being like this but i resent still being affected by it and talking about it at my age.
I will do it because I will try anything and to be totally honest, I quite literally cant go on like this.

My obsessive thinking is so overwhelming that it is tearing my relationship with my dp apart, and preventing me from spending time with friends as I cant think or speak about much else other than the huge mistake I have made and how it is too late to put it right and how angry and upset I am with myself about it.

Sometimes I just want to walk under a bus JUST to get some peace. This is so exhausting. I'm not threatening suicide I'm just being honest about what goes through my mind. I imagine how I could make it look like an accident so that my ds doesn't know I just found life too hard because of my thoughts. I adore him and I know how selfish I am being even thinking that but I just need a break from these thoughts. Unfortunately the thing that I am obsessed about comes up constantly in everyday life so I cant even put it to one side. I am exhausted with this and cant see an end to it.

Goodness - you sound exactly like me. I'm sorry that someone else is going through the same things as it's awful.

I too have intrusive thoughts all day that generally revolve around running away, harming myself and/or the children - I just can't block them out. At night I leave it as late as possible before going to bed as I lie in the dark with my thoughts and then dream awful things. I take anti-d at night which help knock me out.

I've just started therapy alongside seeing my Psychiatrist. Please do seek further help. I hope we can both get through this.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I don't have any experience of this but one thing you must remember is that it is not your fault. You are not choosing to think these things or feel so anxious, it is beyond your control so don't blame yourself. You wouldn't blame yourself if you spent all day in pain from your leg hurting, so don't blame yourself for your anxiety. It is a medical condition for which you need help. How long is your therapy referral going to take? Can you go back to your GP to see if your medication can be changed? I hope that they can get you the help you need.

Thank you ladies. I have been on loads of different meds for this. They have made me put on 2 stone in weight which makes me feel just terrible about myself but at least I get a bit of sleep most nights.

My dp has never experienced any form of anxiety in his life and therefore is at a loss to understand this. He just says you will get better all the time but I dont think either of us really believes that right now. If it wasnt for the baby he would be long gone- he knew nothing of my problems when we met, it was pregnancy that first tipped me over the edge and he did not sign up for this.

I am not a priority to the psychiatrist as I do not have severe anxiety to the extent I cant get out the house or function in a normal way- in fact I appear totally normal to ppl who dont know about this. I just have this world of inner torment going on every minute of every hour of every day, and cant eat until I have 2 types of medication and a glass of wine inside me every night, then I binge on crap bcause the rest of the day I am too uptight to swallow food because of my thoughts. This is a really bad cycle I have got into, my diet is terrible and it definately doesnt help. I dont take medication during the day because I am paranoid about driving with my son on it.

I have a gorgeous baby and a lovely dp and I jsut want to be able to relax and enjoy my life.

my CBT was about 5 years ago and things came to a head when i was under a lot of stress at work, trying to move house and also commuting a long way each day. all i wanted to do was have a car crash so that I could get away from everything and have a break. On the outside, almost no-one knew about it and I continued to function 'normally' as you are doing. I went to a private hospital (referred by GP) as a day patient and had group sessions as well as CBT. I was also on prozac. the group sessions were good and I don't remember talking too much about my childhood (also wasn't keen to do that). the CBT sessions were about understanding your thought processes and what gets you worked up, and then learning techniques to rationalise them and calm yourself so that you don't think everything is the end of the world. you have to try it really. I am very shocked that your psychiatrist thinks you are not a priority. your symptoms are severe to you, and that is what is important. is your psych a private or nhs one?
I would look online for some websites with info on CBT so you can get some background. I would also press your GP & psych to treat you with more urgency as this is affecting you badly and will get worse if you are not helped properly. in the meantime, count your blessings and remind yourself that you are clearly loved very much by your DP and DS. you will get better and it will take a bit of work, but please believe that you won't feel like this forever.
another thing that has probably been siggested to you loads, and that you wil probably hate the thought of... is to get out and do some exercise. something like outdoor boot camp style thing... it's really challenging but it makes you feel very fit and strong quickly,a nd the fresh air is so good for you. But i do know that it's virtually impossible to get yourself motivated to do it. do you have a friend you could do exercise with? even just running can be very theraputic. or even just pounding the streets with your ds (though am not sure if he is still buggy age).
all the best, and let me know if you have any more q's about the CBT. take care.

Its an NHS psychiatrist I see, and as he deals with people who are obsessed with stuff like harming their babies I can see why he thinks my obsession isnt so serious. I have no idea how to go about seeing someone privately.

I have been trying to exercise regularly recently but it all depends on my sleep. I dropped my son off at childcare this morning and instead of going to the gym then work as planned I took a sedative and went back to bed for 2 hours as my anxiety was just horrific. Its very rare that I get the chance or am able to do this though- last monday I felt as bad as I hadn't slept well and just spent the whole day thinking about suicide, its indescribable, you would just do anything for a rest from your mind sometimes.

When I said we all make mistakes I understood exactly the way your mind is working don't worry
The point is don't try to be perfect any more as when you try to get everything perfect is when you blame yourself and get anxious for whatever goes wrong.
Make an effort to loosen up slightly, little by little, wear different clothes, get out of the house and change furniture around.
Make small decisions and small choices , you can do it.
As long as you are reasonably sensible there is no way to think you should get everything right if indeed there is a right.. or just a choice

What happened a year ago if you can tell us ?

I think being obsessed with suicide is just as important as people who obsess about harming their children.

Push your doctor for a referral please.

I have no idea whether the group therapies I'm undertaking are going to help, but it HAS to be a good thing to have someone to talk to regularly about your fears.

norky, you are so right. racing - definitely push for more attention or even a different referral from your gp. you have an illness that is NOT your fault and you need help now. feeling suicidal is a serious matter. the private thing i did though work health insurance. do you or your D have it? if you are not already, you could ask your dp to add you to his cover? things happen much more quickly when you go private.

Me too feeling so much for you Racing Mind - it sounds like a real torment. I am still trying to recover from a major episode of depression and anxiety last Easter, (and on psych ward for 3 months)so know a bit about mental health, but not much about your particular problem.

I have in the past obsessed about "what would have happened had i done X instead of Y, but not to the extent that you are suffering. If you are not able to tell anyone (not even your dp?) can you write it down for yourself - sometimes getting stuff on paper can get it out of our heads for a time. It works for me but that doesn't mean it will work for you, but worth a try. I have A4 pages filled with huge scrawl "I hate myself - sick of all this - just want OUT of this life etc. At my worst I was obsessed with suicide and this is quite normal for people with mental illness and thankfully for most of us it is suicide ideation - we have the idea but we sort of know we won't go through with it. A good friend said to me that if we do commit suicide, we pass on our pain to our loved ones, maybe for all their lives. When I am having some bad days now, I still think of suicide, but I know I would never do it.

Inidentally sorry "notchattingnow" I couldn't help but feel that your post for RM to tell us on this open forum what she is tormenting herself with, was somewhat insensitive.

This "something" is buried inside you i think RM and you need someone to help you to scrape away the top soil and see what's there, but that has to be someone whom you trust. Could you talk to/e mail Samaritans, even if they don't understand they most certainly will not belittle you as your friend did. You allude to the fact that there are issues from your childhood too. The only way to deal with these is to talk about them (again with someone you trust) they won't go away, but they can be made more manageable. If they feel like a football now in your body, they may shrink to a beachball, then a grapefruit, orange, even golf ball. Sorry if this isn't making sense, it's just that I tend to think visually and of course not everyone "sees" things in this way. A good therapist will quickly learn whether you think visually or auditorally and will respond accordingly.

People are mentioning CBT - I have "dabbled" with it - introduced to it by my CPN and when I am feeling OK it all seems very rational, but when I am in the pits of despair, it doesn't make any sense. However I know a lot of peope swear by it. It may be useful for the "something" that is tormenting you, because it looks at the "hear and now" and doesn't delve into the past. However if you have issues from childhood, CBT is no good for that - you need to unravel whatever it is with a competent therapist, again to make the difficulties more manageable, rather than getting rid of them cus life isn't like that is it.

Sending you very warm wishes and hoping you can believe that you will in time get some peace from this torment.

sorry didn't mean to sound insensitive at all nananinafar from it.

racing.. I very much feel for you and have been where you are now and it will pass but might take some time.
In actual fact I had a very similar period 5 years ago when I was intensely distressed over something very bad that had happened and couldn't talk about it or think about it, or watch tv or read or even be awake as every thought linked back to the event and the distress was so intense. It was hard to deal with but little by little over time it became manageable by a variety of strategies and I'm fine now.
If you want to chat you are welcome to PM me

Notchattingnow - sorry I'm sure you didn't mean to be insensitive - I think I was being hyper-sensitive !!

RacingMind - how are you today.....that's probably not a helpful question as you make it quite clear that you have the problem all day and every day. I hope this doesn't sound stupid but just wonder if you are suffering from severe anxiety/agitation and have fixated upon this "bad decision" when that may not be the root of your anxiety. Maybe it would be helpful if you PMd notchattingnow or drumlin as they have been or going through similar things as yourself. At least we are all anonymous and are but lines of text on a forum such as this.

The decision I made a year ago is something I have to live with every day that would probably seem relatively trivial to others. I know as I have tried to talk about it and just been told its "just" my anxiety causing me to feel this way not the actual decision at all. The realisation of how bad I felt about this decsion and my obsession with it led to a total meltdown earlier in the year. I feel I was talked out of trying to remedy the situation then when it might have been realistic to do so, but now it is too late.

As a result of this I now have no ability to make decisions I am happy with. since this happened. I am in agony over everything and am at the point where I will ignore important phone calls etc and am making myself look bad with my work because I cant cope with being asked to decide things.

Just this weekend I have had to decide whether or not to do something and it crippled me. I have had to spend hours on the phone to my sister getting her to calm me down as I thought I had made the wrong choice yet again. This all stems from the decision i made a year ago which I am so angry with myself about. I want to go back in time and stop myself I imagine grabbing myself and shaking myself shouting "what are you THINKING". But I cant and whatever I do I dont stop thinking about it.

I have a lovely home, great partner (relationship under massive strain due to me being like this tho) and an incredible child. I want to be able to enjoy these things but life seems just too hard mentally. I totally fixate on the choices that I didnt make and how much better things would be if I wasnt so bloody stupid.

Its very very lonely being like this.

First of all, everything matters more and becomes more fraught during pregnancy and looking after babies..we feel very responsible and want to get everything right.
Also are you quite a perfectionist used to getting things right and having good judgement and can't for the life of you understand how you got it wrong this time and you have lost a bit of faith in yourself?
Maybe there were other factors such as input from other people that swayed you and you wonder why you didn't stick to your guns.
I find it hard to put myself first [or did] so when making choices was second guessing what I thought other people wanted me to do.

With regard to how to help from where you are now the main thing is this is temporary, you will get over it and learn to trust yourself again when you have thought through why you made the choice and whyyou find it so unacceptable you made the wrong choice and what support / factors might possibly be missing in your life making choices and responsibility hard to bear.

how are you racing ? Have you been feeling any better?

Hi there, I haven't posted for a while as been incredibly busy and also away for a few days. Thanks for all your posts.

Having a hard weekend. Bit of a meltdown yesterday. It is coming up for my sons first birthday and the whole thing is triggering huge anxiety. First of all the bad decision I made last year can now definately not be reversed. Then i am trying to organise a party and its stressing me out because I want it to be perfect and it involves losts of little decisions which is what I struggle with most when stressed. Sounds stupid but I feel I have made so many mistakes and had to hide so much from people- I have been anxious/depressed since pregnancy and was in a mother and baby unit for a while earlier this year, that I just want to get this one thing right, to make me feel "normal".

I have so many regrets about this last year it eats me up inside. I have tried very hard to make sure my mental health has not impacted on ds and everyone says he is a happy child so I think I have managed this but its been a hard lonely struggle at times.

Anyway this probably just sounds like a ramble sorry. Just need to vent my feelings today as on my own feeling bad and worrying myself stupid
out organising this party.

Try lowering the expectation of throwing 'a perfect party' as you can become too bogged down with the detail and will be all stressed out and unable to enjoy the party.

CBT helped me to recognise the anxiety triggers, obsessive thoughts, imagining disasters if everything was not perfect and how to cope with panic attacks. It took me a few years to 'allow' myself time to become less anxious but it has worked well and I feel like a different person.

Try speaking to a different GP if that is possible or approach your local mental health team and ask them how best to get a referral.

Hi i have been referred for more therapy, have the form here to fill in as it goes and will do that today. The sad thing is its at the same hospital I attended for two years in the past due to depression I had because I believed I would not be able to have children. And here I am with a beautiful child still having problems, its so frustrating.

You are absolutely right about the party my rational mind knows that just the part of me I struggle to control prevents me from making any decisions becuase I think i get everything wrong and when I do I torture myself about it. Such a waste of time and energy being like this.

Do you have anyone who could help you with the party, buy a cake, some nibbles and some party bags. Forget the crap stuff, the party bag fillers and just give a slice of cake.

A few photos of your ds's special day for memories as he will remember none of it. If you have people coming round, let them help, you don't have to do it all on your own. Enjoy the day.

It is completely ok to think 'oh, I forgot such and such but it is not the end of the world'.

Good luck with your therapy. If you had eg a heart complaint etc then extended therapy would be the norm so please try not to fret about treatment for anxiety coming after the depression treatment. The mental health team will help you and we are here to offer support. x