This maybe quite long but I just need to get it all off my chest. I've also name changed.
About 6 months ago I discovered my H was having an affair. I was totally shocked and have found the road to recovery very traumatic. We are trying to work things through but the whole thing has left me with severe depression and bullimia. I'm currently taking AD's and have been on them for about 2 months.
I was starting to feel a bit like my old self over the past couple of weeks but things have just come crashing down around me. We are in a lot of financial trouble. H has his own business but it has been quite slow and although he has some work now we are in the position where we are waiting for invoices to come in but in the meantime we have nothing and we have defaulted on few direct debits. This is putting even more strain on our already strained relationship and tonight we have had a massive row. My H is blaming me for our cash flow problems as I took on the role of dealing with some of the paperwork and I will admit that I have become slack. Not just slack doing the paperwork but just general motivation for doing anything. My H has told me that if I don't pull my weight with the paperwork then I'll have to go out to work. Which is almost impossible with no childcare (both sets of grandparents live far away) and I have 3 DC under 7.
So I feel a complete an utter failure. I've failed at being a wife otherwise my H wouldn't have gone elsewhere, I failed in my marriage, I failed my DC. They don't deserve a depressed mum who sticks her fingers down her throat because she cannot cope. I've let my parents down who always thought I was perfect but my life is far from perfect. I've caused financial ruin and we will probably loose our home. I'm just so depressed. I've thought about getting a knife and cutting my wrists but I couldn't leave my DC who I adore. I couldn't do that to them but I cannot help but wonder what it would feel like to run the blade across my arm. I know those thoughts aren't healthy but I feel like I'm drowning in self pity. I'm sorry that this has been long but I just needed to offload. I'm bawling my eyes out and can't see the screen so I hope there aren't too many typos.
Thanks for reading.