Just want to get this down as i cant believe how rapidly i sank

[Tenstepsback]

I have namechanged as i am ashamed of my behaviour today. I had been doing so well and felt like i was climbing the ladder to managing my mental health and then today happened.We were going away to Devon until sat and on the way we had to detour as they shut the Motorway due to accident.We got lost ,completely and because we were towing caravan we couldnt just turn round and retrace our steps easily.We got more and more lost and i just flipped.I was screaming uncontrollaby and crying and just coud not calm down.One of our dc started crying which panicked me more so i shouted at her and the youngest just looked at me with such fear in her eyes
Dh turned back and eventually we went home. I cant believe how easy it was to slip back to old behaviours.I have fucked up my kids even more now and negativity just wont go away.
What a complete fuck up

Tensteps, there is no 'cure' for what we have (I'm a bipolar sufferer myself). Some days I think I've conquered it all and I never, ever have, it's a lifelong battle those without these conditions will never adequately understand.

You have insight. You know your children will have been scared and upset. My own mother was always cracking up as you describe but she never explained it to me or said sorry. I would suggest if the dcs are old enough explaining to them that you were feeling unwell and upset and that you are really sorry to have scared them and shouted etc. I explain to my kids that I get far too grumpy and sad sometimes and I am working on it. They seem to accept this thus far. I'm not an ideal mum but I am their mum and I do my best for them to get better, every day.

Failure is really part of the road to getting better, I wish I could tell you it will get easier from now on but I don't know. I've been 'ill' since the age of 13 myself.

A book called 'Emotional Clearing' has helped me to accept my overwhelming negative emotions/rage/fear/guilt etc. These will not go away. Sometimes if you decide positively to live with them rather than fighting them, you can let stuff out a bit more and move on. But there's no magic solution as you know.

So sorry you had such a bad day

Anyone would be stressed faced with those events. Dcs will be ok after a hug and an explanation (at an appropriate level for their age) and lots of reassurance from DH.

Start afresh tomorrow

I dont even have it in me to appologise to those poor kids.I am ashamed. The youngest has said she doesnt want to go on holiday again because of the screaming.I cant ever make it up to them.I dont know if i can try again tomorrow because i feel so fragile i am scared how i will be.

Sorry didn't mean try to go on holiday - that's way too stressful.

Just meant draw a line under today. It happened. You regret it. Say sorry (as breaktime suggests) and move on.

I feel like i should try to go away though as the oldest is devasted about having no holiday. But i know it would be stressful not to mention the lost money.
I appreciate you taking the time to post btw.

You are using a lot of words like always and never - like in never being able to make it up to the kids. That's black and white thinking and not accurate. You may well be able to explain it to the kids at a later time when things have settled down. Recovery is 2 steps forward one back, frustrating I know. I've wanted to be better from PTSD from 6 months in and that is over 2 years ago and I'm finally nearly there apart from needing some CBT with anxiety!!

The only thing I will say about what happened is next time stop the car, get out and walk. Just walk, in circles, not miles away! It uses some of the excess oxygen and that calms you down and moving your body brings you back into it a bit.

Having a caravan makes you very flexible - why not go camping half an hour or an hour away? We've done it with friends and it doesn't really matter where you are, certainly for the kids - you are away and in a new place with new things!

What is it that you have/are recovering from? I lose it as well and explain to my dcs that mummy was feeling grumpy/not well and that I am very sorry. It's getting better but it's a long road.