I thought I knew myself very well. I had terrible depression about 6 years ago and I recovered fully with some AD's which were dreadful for me didn't work IMO. I think I recovered as I let it all out, I had been in an emotionally abusive relationship was at uni life was pretty mentally hard going.
Fast forward to now I struggle with the fact I didnt het my degree, I didnt get a good job and I didnt get married and then children. Stupid I realise, my olan didnt fit in with what life had planned.
So right now I have a 14 month old and a 6 week old both boys. I adore them. I have DP and 2 babies the most important things I have ever wanted.
I am scared of being happy because I can't bear the thought of it all going wrong. Losing anyone. I do suffer with anxiety but I can control it.
I think I have baby blues or something. I dont feel depressed like I did 5/6 years ago. I am angry, cross, upset, crying at stupid things, indecisive and very negative.
I am so happy with my boys and during the day with them I function really quite well. When they are in bed it all kind of goes to pot. Life's circumstances have been the main cause of how I'm feeling as has DP's behaviour. He has promised to change and I have to wait and see. Life outside my house seems relentless, exhausting and wading through treacle. I feel no one cares about me but is only interested in my children. Which is tbh is not fine.
I feel hurt by DP's idiotic behaviour and the nasty things he said in a heated discussion. Perfectly normal we all say things we dont mean etc at those times. Why can I be so rational on the one hand but feel so wounded the other. That sort of sums up how I'm feeling. Functioning and rational one side and a mess on the other. It's horrible.
One petty thing that has really upset me is the fact I gave a bday party to DP's sister whilst heavily pregnant and I went to a lot of trouble. I had a crap bday and she knows this. She invited us over to hers I wrongly assumed it would similar. I am wrong and that hurts, my own fault though. I now see she just wants to see the boys and has dressed it up as having tea and cake for me. Odd thing is she doesn't drink tea and I don't eat cake. If she just wanted to see the boys I would prefer her to be honest about it.
It's stupidly petty I realise.
I don't know, I'm just not happy and I want to be. I have a massive fear of being told im depressed I am too stubborn to handle the failure. It would knock me down further. I don't want DP to know he already has stated his worries. I told him that you can't really upset someone then wonder why they are upset and unhappy.
Sorry huge petty rant and I feel terrible posting as others have it a whole lot worse.
I need hand holding!