How would you describe feeling "weird"?

[ButteryPie]

I really can't describe it, so I don't know how I will ask you to describe it, but if anyone can think of words to describe what I am trying to get at, I would be grateful. I tried to explain it to my cpn and I must not be putting it across right because she thought I was talking about normal life, and it's not. My mood is mostly ok, well as ok as my mood gets - not stable, but only short bursts of up or down, which is pretty good considering how near I am to the last relapse.
(I do have a long term problem, but this is not in the usual course of it)

OK. I feel somehow...spooked. Kind of scared, but not panicy, just like theres something...not right. Like there's someone watching, or in a horror film when the victim walks past the murderer but doesn't notice because they aren't paying attention. I keep seeing things out of the corner of my eye and feeling presences and suddenly getting strong ideas out of nowhere that will seem compelling for a couple of seconds, until I think "what a stupid idea, where did that come from?" Having really vivid dreams and, even though I sleep, not getting much rest.

Feeling dizzy and "buzzy" and weak somehow. Lots of random spasms and stumbles, could be a side effect of my medication though.

Weird thing is, when I am with people I'm ok. Even when I am moving about in the daytime I feel ok (although the feeling comes a bit if I go outside by myself, especially if I have my headphones on - it feels like everyone is watching me and talking about me, even though I KNOW they aren't, if that makes any sense). It is mostly when I am by myself in the evening, when the kids are in bed and DH is at the pub or has gone to bed or whatever.

I even sometimes think everyone has been replaced by actors for some reason, and I just ty[ed that twice because I thought I shouldn't let them know I am on to them, but then I thought don't be stupid.

Gah, I just read that back and I sound mad. I'm honestly functioning really well, so I don't know if this is just me being worried about getting ill again or what.

I think the word might be uncanny.

A bit like when you get a new prescription on your glasses and everything seems wrong for a bit till you adjust.

Am I just making a fuss here? It just feels like I'm heading for something, but I don't even know what.

I feel paranoid and also sometimes like I am watching myself if that makes any srnse. As if everything is a play and I can't change what's happening. And jittery. And feel that I might not actually be there although I obviously am.

Later I would lose sense of anythung much and go down into a grey phase where I just exist. Haven't been like that for ages luckily.

I think it is different for everyone but what you're saying makes srnse to me.

And repulsive dreams too. Mostly the death one where I know I am about to die. Can take a while to realise I am alive.

So would you say it is "something"? Because the way I'm saying it, I keep getting told to just relax and enjoy normal life and that I might not have a relapse. This wouldn't even count as a relapse though, although it's defo not mania, and, like I say, I function really well. It's just this weird feeling is happening more.

Without knowing you I can't tell but it sounds like the sort of thing that for me I would want to keep an eye on. Have been off ADs for nearly two years now and had times feeling like I said in the first part of my message where I have had to make a conscious effort to use my CBT techniques and be ready to see the doctor if it carries on.

But that doesn't mean you are about to have a relapse (sometimes I think I have managed to make myself feel worse by thinking I might be feeling worse iyswim).

Were you in hospital for a while recently? I mostly lurk on MH threads so don't remember all the details. What support do you have at the moment?

Paranoid/disturbed thoughts maybe? All sounds very unsettling, hope this doesn't last long for you.

The fact that you know these thoughts aren't real is a really good sign though - I went through a few really horrible periods of anxiety and was paranoid about odd cars parked in my street having me under some sort of surveillance and I couldn't rationalise my thoughts at all but the knowledge that I was aware of how ridiculous I was being, for me at least, meant that things weren't as bad as if I had no grip on reality whatsoever and thought there was nothing wrong with the thoughts iyswim.

Sorry, bit garbled but I definitely recognise that feeling of things being slightly off and out-of-kilter, I had a constant sense of dread for no particular reason, too, as if something terrible was always about to happen. It sucks!

LM - I have bipolar, was in hospital for a short while recently with a mixed episode. Just on 200mg/day lamotrigine atm, but there is talk of an antipsychotic to act as an antimanic. Also have tranqs and sleeping tabs, but haven't taken them for ages.

I keep asking for more help, but they say I am getting as much as they can give. the dr is coming out on thursday to see me, I'm going to have to ask for more drugs, which is odd, because I'm normal most of the time. I told the cpn this, and she said "but is more drugs the answer?" I said, I hope not, but what other choice is there? She had no ideas.

Do you have some sort of talking support as well. And do you have a DP/DH and if so how do they feel you are?

Feel free not to answer - am aware I am asking lots of questions.

Sorry cross posted with you. Doesn't sound very helpful from the cpn.

DH is supportive, although saying that he has disappered to the pub tonight - went for "a quick half" at 8pm. Grr.

Sounds like you are anxious, on edge, hyper alert and a bit paranoid.

It also sounds like your adrenaline level is quite high.

It's interesting that this feeling is strongest when you are alone.

I don't feel anxious though - heartbeat normal, not short of breath. Just...I dunno. Wierd.

Getting little blue flashy lights tonight too. My friend said migraine, but I don't have a headache. More spasms than normal too.

Hi ButteryPie, two things spring to mind. !) side effects - have you checked the lamotragine leaflet, or googled or anything? 2) it's a tricky thing, monitoring yourself, as people with bp have to do. One way to do this is to step outside yourself, and see yourself as others might see you. It is just a way of checking though, and not a good thing to remain dissociated. You need to, as it were, re-enter your body and experience things from your own, associated point of view most of the time. Pinching yourself, jumping around, listening to the sounds around you and within you are some possible ways (provided there is no-one to think you are mad doing it though!)

So I think you may be noticing yourself doing something useful, ie self-checking.

Or I might be completely wide of the mark.

Flashy blue lights and spasms sound like they might be side-effects. But on no account stop taking the lamotragine without professional supervision.

For what it is worth ButteryPie you don't have to have a headache with a migraine. I've only had one and I had the strange lights effect, felt really weird, a bit sicky, but no pain at all in the head. Of course it might not have been a migraine but DH said that's how they affect him. Having said that, I'm no expert though, but it does sound like it might be side-effect related to me.

My early warning signals display themselves physically and visually too. First to go is my dress-sense - which might sound daft, until you see me in wrap dress, fishnnets, cowboy boots and bomber jacket (Wtf?) ;) - but its a sign my piston aren't firing. My coordination goes, I drop things, can't type, my speech gets jumbled and everything just 'feels' blurry.