Hate myself

[Moltisanti]

Hi all.

I'm going through a rough patch and need somebody to talk to. My dh is amazing but if he knows how low I am feeling then I can see it gets him down too and I don't want that. he is well aware of what's going on with me but sometimes it helps to talk to someone unconnected to me.

In the last month or so, my self esteem has just crumbled. I didn't have a huge amount anyway, but lately I have none. I can only think that the timing of this is because I have recently reconnected with my estranged dad, a situation which has always made me feel like I am not good enough. He wasn't around til I was 16 and the situation has always been a headf!ck for me. He hasn't done or said anything to upset me, but for some reason since we reconnected I feel shit in myself.

I have lost two stone since having my son a year ago. I am a size twelve and only half a stone heavier than I was before I had him, but I feel like a giant fat cow, embarrassed by my appearance wherever I go. All day long I am paralysed by these feelings of inadequacy, looking at my body size in the mirror every half an hour, weighing myself every day, hating myself for being so big. It doesn't help that my mum and sister are like stick insects either. I literally can't shake the paranoia that I look godawful. I could try to lose more weight, but part of me realises that I was very happy to be this size before and that therefore this is more a self esteem issue than anything else.

I also feel like a crap mother, even though I am utterly devoted to ds, and I am even beating myself up because I am starting to learn French but am only at the start and other people speak it better than me. I ask myself why I am so hard on myself and I don't have an answer. All I know is that I hate myself right now.

we are also going through other stress that doesn't help, we are waiting to move home for more space and the process has been hell and we still don't know if this is going to go through ok.

Plus I was really tipped over the edge this afternoon by my sister making a comment about how some woman we saw on tv 'needs to go to the gym more'. the woman must have only been about a size 14 and I could feel myself welling up sitting there and shortly afterwards I took ds home.

if anyone is on here and can talk to me I'd be hugely grateful. Feel like I am losing my mind. I have all I ever wanted, a beautiful family of my own, and yet I feel like complete crap.

Darling, I wish I could give you advice, but I am going through something vv similar.

All I can say is to be kind to yourself. And of course-- you are not alone.

Having read both your posts I would say for starters that it is time you both realise that neither having everything you could wish for nor not having it as bad as other people can make you happy and beating yourself up is counterproductive.

I can't make out from your posts whether either of you is depressed. If you think you may be it's time to talk to your doctor.

In the meantime instead of kicking yourself and wishing you could make huge changes make some small ones that you can sustain. Get fresh air and exercise by walking round the block every day and get plenty of fruit and veg in.

Reading your post it does sound as though your self-esteem (lack of) is a big issue (if not the main one) for you. I don't know where you are but wondered if you'd done any work on improving that? My local Mind does courses on improving self-esteem (I've not done it though so don't know what's involved or how good it is). Might be worth checking out if you have a centre nearby.

I didn't know that about the course chocattack, that's interesting and I will look into it as there is a branch of Mind round the corner.

I have had various therapies over the years but I don't think I have done any specific work on my self esteem.

madmouse- I do get fresh air and eat well, but the day to day stress drags me down. I am on antidepressants and waiting to see a counsellor.

Ah that's handy having a Mind branch round the corner! Fingers crossed they do the self esteem course at yours. It's worth a try .