need help and advice

[miaboo]

Hi, This is my first post on here and along story!!
I went on maternity leave in October last year and had my baby in November, If I'm honest I think suffered with some kind of depression I was overly ocd with routines and things, felt up and then really down constantly for no reason and had lots of bad days.
In december I had a run in with my employer (I work in childcare and my other son attends, on that particular day I was feeling very down and all I wanted to do was go in and see my son in his play, when I arrived I got called into the office, my manager didnt even acknowledge my newborn or me really and launched straight into not getting a bonus this year etc ect I felt completly upset and just wanted to get out, I told her I was going to see my son in his play and got up to leave I was told to "sit down" like a child! I said that I would talk to her after the play as it was starting and left the room she followed and tried to get me to go back in I refused and watched my childs play feeling very upset, when it was finished I felt that upset I said I didnt want to talk now and we would have to at a later date.
After that I felt totally depressed despite it being christmas having to battle with my own worrys and stressing about work.
Things seemed to go from bad to worse! I have been left out of works nights out, not asked to contribute to collections (making people not contribute to mine as they thought I had the option to put into theirs and havent) Private txt messages read out to other members of staff by someone who I thought was my friend which can only be described as an attempt to stir, silly little things like work collegues joining facebook and adding everybody else but not me, I feel isolated and bullied to an extent. All of this I think has had a big impact on me enjoying my maternity leave as it has been on my mind every day and really made me low and upset on a level I cant explain.
I am due back next month and now I am not sleeping properly, I cant eat and actually feel physically sick, I cry often and cant seem to get passed it taking things out on my family.
I am considering getting a sick note for when I return back to work as I dont feel that I cope going back and then start to look for a new job, what would you do?
I just feel so angry and hurt as I feel that I have wasted my maternity leave worring and stressing about it.
Thank you

Have you seen your GP miaboo you could be suffering from PND, i have seen this PND test recommended on a few threads,
www.testandcalc.com/etc/tests/edin.asp
perhaps you could try it to see.
Its best to face it head on and see your GP rather than getting a sick note as that is just putting off the inevitable, your workmates and employer doesnt sound very nice so i can see why you dont want to go back but with some help from your GP you will feel more able to face them, you sound as though you are suffering from severe anxiety, and having suffered from it myself i now realise that the thought of doing something is actually worse than doing it, so i would say go to your GP tomorrow and explain how you have been feeling, the sooner its done, the sooner you can start feeling better, do you have a supportive DH/DP ?

Oh miaboo - agree with scotchmist - you are describing depression - and most likely PND given the recent birth of your baby. You must go to GP and get some help. You will probably be prescribed anti depressants which can be lifesavers (I know through experience) though they can take 2 - 4 weeks to kick in and they act differently on different people, so sometimes yo have to try a couple before you get the right one.

Your boss sounds very bullying and your colleagues childish. If you are no better when it is time to go back to work, then I am sure the GP will sign you off. You can't work very well with a depressive illness. The thing you must remember that almost everyone recovers from this horrid illness and there will be brighter days ahead. As scotchmist says you are also suffering from anxiety (which is causing the nausea) but depression and anxiety go hand in hand and can't really be differentiated. The meds for depression also work for anxiety.

So please get to the GP and tell him/her your symptoms - write them down if necessary and don't worry if you burst into tears (this is what I did) and remember you will not be telling them anything that they have not heard hundreds of times before. 1 in 4 people will suffer from depression at some time in their lives.

Take care of yourself and sending you warm wishes

Thank you for your replies, I was considering maybe putting down how I feel in a letter and taking it to my employer before I return to see if that helps her to understand whats happening in my head!
Do you think thats a good idea? she does not know what collegues have done to me and I dont know wether she would support me or not or put it down to me being paranoid because of the depression, she reckons she needs to speak to me about work issues which is making me feel even worse as she wont actually tell me what they are until my first day back, just feel so isolated and that there "out to get me" so to speak, I've had nearly a year off so the thought of all this is making me feel so sick and I'm not sure how I will cope.