I am writing this roughly one year on from the birth of my first child- a beautiful little boy. He was born last July, and to say this year didn?t exactly go to plan is an understatement. I thought that I would post this for any dads (or mums) in my situation, as there is so little guidance for men suffering from the same thing.
Just prior to the birth, my wife developed pre-eclampsia (an issue with high blood pressure) and was promptly induced. It was only a 7 hour labour, with went fine until the baby was born. They couldn?t stop the bleeding and had to call for specialists. I felt completely numb, despite having a perfectly healthy baby in my arms. Eventually my wife was stabilised and we were able to enjoy the first moments with our son together. The next few days were very stressful as my wife was having blood transfusions and son wasn?t gaining weight. On the fifth day they both turned a corner and within a week they were home.
The first week was fine and although tired, I was really enjoying being a dad. However, approximately two weeks after the birth the problems started. I was sitting watching a film with my wife one evening whilst my son slept in his moses basket. I remember suddenly being hit with a wave on stomach tightening, skin tingling anxiety about something happening to him. When we went to bed, I couldn?t sleep and I played over possible dangers to him in my mind. Eventually my mind hooked on an idea that really got it?s claws in- I could be a threat to him. I felt so scared by this, I actually went downstairs to sleep on the sofa- although I didn?t get a wink.
Over the next few days the anxiety got worse and the thoughts turned into imagined scenarios (I will not share these but believe me when I say that they were deeply unpleasant and involved the death or serious injury occurring to my son at my hands). The more I tried to suppress the thoughts, the more common they became. I had taken time off work for the birth and subsequent few weeks and to an extent, I was able to manage my anxiety by giving myself reassuring talkings to and going for walks and getting good exercise. It was upon my return to work that my problems really began.
I remember sitting in a meeting on my first day back, with my heart thumping in my chest and a feeling that I was going to pass out. At the end of the day, I didn?t want to go home, in case something happened when I got back. The next month was the worst of my entire life. I was racked with these anxieties from dawn to dusk, often being unable to sleep properly and feeling incredibly low, particularly in the mornings. Work was a nightmare as bizarrely the anxieties increased when I was away from my son, my thoughts convincing my that something unthinkable would happen each night. Don?t get me wrong, I do have some happier memories of occasionally holding and talking to my son, but the anxieties dominated each day and I began to fear being alone with him.
My wife was aware of the anxiety, but not of the cause and convinced me to go to the doctor?s surgery. This I did, but was met with an elderly male doctor, who simply informed me I had depression and failed to probe the causes of my anxiety (I was too scared to really admit what was going on: I had horrible and very incorrect visions of social services screaming up to house and whisking the baby away). I was put on an anti-depressant called Citalopram, which also helps control anxiety. It does unfortunately have a host of unpleasant initial side effects, and I experienced several of the most common ones. This made me even more uncomfortable around the baby and when my wife mentioned that she was thinking of spending a few days on holiday with her parents on the coast, I virtually begged her to go. During their time away, sleep became a thing of the past and I literally thought I was losing my mind. The day before they were due back, I knew this situation couldn?t continue and I confessed all to a health visitor.
Far from being shocked and appalled, as I had envisioned, she calmly listened to my tale of woe and reassured me that, although far more common in new mums, it is a situation that new dads can find themselves in. She made me an appointment with a brilliant female doctor, who by a huge stroke of luck, was also a trained mental health worker, having swapped professions several years ago. The health visitor also told me that it was imperative that I reveal the truth to my wife. This I did, very tearfully, when she returned and she was immediately supportive and understanding.
During my first appointment with the doctor, I held nothing back and was informed that the root of my troubles may have been a form of post-traumatic stress disorder connected with the birth. I was put in touch with and started having sessions with a counsellor, who wanted to delve into my childhood and didn?t really have an impact on my situation. What he did do was describe my situation to one of his senior colleagues (a physiatrist) who immediately diagnosed what was really the issue. He said that it was highly likely that I suffered from a condition called THOUGHT-ACTION FUSION OCD, where you believe that because you have bad thoughts, they are likely to come true. I was immediately put on a waiting list for CBT, which started after only four weeks due to the fact there was a child involved (it can sometimes be alot longer and my advice to anyone in my situation is this: insist that CBT starts as soon as possible, or if you can afford it, go private).
Whilst waiting for CBT, my situation deteriorated further as depression kicked in in a very big way. I would often spend my breaks at work sobbing in the toilets and would regularly spend ages in my car at the end of the working day, scared out of my mind and having to convince myself to go home. Any self-esteem I had about myself was completely eroded and I lost a stone and a half in weight. There came a breaking point one morning when I was saying goodbye to my little lad and I had the most awful thought that I believed was about to come true. At work I was a mess and asked my wife to make an immediate appointment with the doctor. The doctor advised that I be given a short period of time away from my son, whilst I awaited CBT and my wife went to stay at her parents house, with me visiting for a few hours every day. This helped a little but what really had an amazing impact was CBT.
The first sessions were really about exploring the thoughts and my beliefs about them. My CBT worker was a newly-qualified but an immensely compassionate and knowledge lady, who immediately started to give me some confidence and hope that there was a way back from this. CBT is all about learning to be your own counsellor and challenging the thoughts. She told me that it wasn?t a horrible crime to have these thoughts and to my surprise advised me to spend time alone with son deliberately having them. This was designed to help the subconscious break the connection between thoughts and outcomes and was really helpful. I was told to abandon a diary I had been writing reams in since the problems started and also to try to stop obsessing about recovery- it isn?t like the flu and recovery is both long term and very much a rollercoaster. I was encouraged to record only the periods of time I had alone with my son and my reactions to them.
A massive turning point came a month or so after CBT began. We have booked a sunny family holiday to stay with relatives abroad for Xmas. I was convinced that both sunshine and a change of scenery would really help. However, the snow chaos that affected the airports meant that the holiday was cancelled at the last minute and I was forced to face up to the fact that I would be spending 100% of my time with my son, at home, over two weeks. This really helped me practice CBT techniques constantly and by the end of the break I felt that a change for the better had started to occur.
On Sundays, I also started to attend church more regularly and found comfort and support in some of the sermons, whilst asking God to help me recover and watch over my son.
Other sources of big help came in the form of :
- A book called ?The Imp of the Mind? by an American expert in the field of TAF OCD called Dr Lee Baer. This book covers everything and really helped me understand and come to terms with my condition. It provided vital information such as- your past is a good psychological indicator of your future: if you have not been a violent person before then it is unlikely you will suddenly start being one. Also: it is often the people with high moral values that TAF OCD prays on, as they are unable to accept that having bad thoughts is something that affects everyone from time to time and that having them doesn?t make them a bad person.
- Some self hypnosis audio tracks from www.selfhypnosisdownloads.com. There is one track specifically dedicated to negative thoughts and I found listening to it a really good way of calming bad anxiety attacks.
By the way, TAF OCD may well have manifested itself in different forms in people?s lives, prior to their experience: they may simply not have realised it. In my case, when I was a teenager, I suddenly developed a fear of flying, imagining horrible scenarios: classic TAF OCD. Coincidentally, since my real problems began, my fear of flying has gone away- don?t ask me why!
Last week, August 5th, was exactly one year on from the emergence of my problems and the changes to my life have been drastic:
- This is the most important thing: I have really began to bond with my son. He will often come to me to be cuddled and has started to call me Da Da. I am no longer really convinced that I am a threat to him and feel extremely close to him. I am able to make him laugh quite easily and enjoy being around him. I am quite comfortable being alone with him and no longer try and avoid him.
- I still have the occasional bad day/couple of days but I have come to accept that I am still in recovery and don?t feel overly worried by them. Most of my days are pretty good and though I still get thoughts, they are not as common and my subconscious doesn?t hit the panic button when they occur.
- I finished CBT after 12 sessions having achieved a 91% improvement over 6 months. It made such a difference. I apply some of the critical techniques when I feel anxiety coming on and they really help.
If you have not suffered these problems- sorry for boring you silly with my lengthy account of woe. If you do suffer from a similar problem then let me tell you this. You are not alone! Dr Lee Baer describes TAF OCD as a ?silent epidemic?, due to the fact that many, many people are affected by it but are too afraid &/ashamed to seek help. Men do suffer post natal depression and linked into this is TAF OCD. It is nothing to be ashamed about and if possible, try to be open with your partner and definitely seek appropriate help. Please be aware that I am not a mental health professional and feel that they are the most appropriate people to talk to, I can only offer my own experiences. Good luck!