Help, I can't cope. May be long will likely be sweary.

[QueenofJacksDreams]

I have been on antidepressants for 2 years now Ciltropam 40mg I went for counselling but I freaked out and gave up, I have various social/personality disorders.

There, thats my history. I can not fucking cope, I don't know who the fuck I am anymore. I've lost all my get up and go and I don't find enjoyment in anything anymore I don't want to do anything with anyone I just want to be left alone all the time and I fucking hate it. DH is getting stressed with me because he doesn't know how to help and I won't go the doctor as I don't think they belive how bad it is, I ran away from the help I was getting FFS.

I got in trouble with DD's school and reported to social services as she was going in with dirty school clothing on as I wasn't checking to make sure she had clean clothes on, I don't have any contact with my family for various reasons and I really fucking miss them.

I get along well with my MIL but her Dads just died I can't turn to her she has enough to worry about, I have nobody in my life who I can turn to and I only hurt the people who love me anyway. I can't keep doing this.

Please help me, I don't know who else to turn to and I hate this fucking pathetic excuse for a human being that I am. I can't make friends people just don't like me not that I can blame them I don't like me why should they? I'm sorry if I'm rambling its just if I don't write this down now I never will and in a few hours time I'll be horribly embaressed by everything I've said even though all of its true, I'll go on denying it and resenting myself and ruining the lives of my loved ones.

You sounds angry and hurting. I think the GP might realise how dreadful you feel if you were to explain it as you have here?

Have S'S offered any support in terms of extra childcare in holidays to give you space?

You also sound very low and like you have horrendous self esteem - lots of people quit counselling the first go, you could ask for anoter referal or referal to community mental health team who can refer you for specific psychological therapies that are more effective with personality disorders?

Hope you get the help you need and deserve.

why is your DH not ensuring that the children have clean clothes on etc??

I think you need to go back to the GP and ask for an urgent referral to a psychiatrist. They can review your medication, which clearly is not working for you and IME a psychiatrist has a much better understanding of which anti-depressants will work for particular problems

and you need therapy.

i apologise if that sounds harsh, but you need some help and the only person who can insist on you getting it is you. This is a first step, you recognise things need to change... can you make it happen?
will your DH come to the doctors with you?