Skin Full of Scars

[Empusa]

I've had some stupid shit said to me recently, so jus needed to vent.

It's always fun when someone misunderstands you, even more so when they appear to read hear only what backs up their misconceptions.

So let of start off by saying I'm an idiot. Years ago I did something idiotic. I started on a path of self destruction. I chose to do it.

Later on I had less choice as the compulsion to see blade slice through flesh took hold. But that first time, maybe even the first few. I made the choice to be an idiot.

I've got very little flesh not covered in scars now. I look like a badly sewn patchwork doll.

I know how terrifying it is for my friends and dingly to live with this, knowing they can't make me stop. Worried about where it will end.

I know this and yet I do not stop.

I even added to their worry by stopping eating for a year. I knew them too that what I was doing was stupid. I also knew that it was dangerous and could kill me. But I chose it.

It may have ended up beyond my control. But it started as a conscious decision.

You seriously overestimate the powers of your mind. The moment you make a conscious decision to start selfharming something has already been set in motion to make you make that decision in the first place. It's simply not something you decide to do for fun on a boring Monday morning. Something made you think you might feel better that way.

You sound full of pain and to be frank like you have a lot of anger turned inward to yourself.

Time to see a good counsellor and start really looking at what is going on in your life.

You sound like you're taking an awful lot of blame on yourself - much more so than would be reasonable in terms of accepting some responsibility in order to regain control. Be kind to yourself - self harm and eating issues do not start overnight, and are not fixed overnight. They continue because they work in terms if control, self punishment, hurting physically so that the emotional pain is rationalised and visible, or a myriad of other reasons.

Have you ever been in touch with the National Self Harm Network? Or Looked up the Harm Yourself Less workbook? Really helpful for some.

I repeat be kind to yourself. Everyday, do something small that is just for you and your body - a nice moisturiser, painting your nails, deep conditioning hair, a hot choc and book / film / trashy mag. You deserve this time and gentleness.