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Mental health

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Original poster

DS 12 talking about killing himself

46 replies

schroeder · 18/07/2011 20:07

DS is not a confident boy, he says he has no friends at school and everyone hates him.

It seems to me he doesn't even try, but it's hard to tell what really goes on at secondary school.

I am going to have to have a word with his form teacher before the end of term, but when I've talked to him before he hasn't had any concerns.

I don't know what to think really is it just hormonal attention seeking or should I be taking it more seriously?

OP posts:

ThePosieParker · 20/07/2011 08:24

I wouldn't worry about proving a GP right/wrong. I would be more inclined to get the right help for my son.

HSMM · 20/07/2011 09:31

I recently had my DD (age 11) visit the GP and get a referral to CAMHS. They were very good with her and did not let her think they were doing anything but understanding how she felt and trying to help her. The GP certainly won't roll his eyes and make your son feel inadequate, they will go out of their way to help him and you. Take him out of school for the last week of term sick if you need to (and if you can).

(They made me feel like a totally inadequate parent, but I didn't mind that, as long as they helped her.)

Original poster

schroeder · 20/07/2011 09:33

Not signing off, I am listening to what you're saying, just dh and I are able to see the bigger picture.

I am also keeping in mind that I may have received a different point of view if I had posted in education or teenagers.

I'm quite shocked that you all seem so sure that you know what's going on from the small scraps of info I have provided.

OP posts:

Original poster

schroeder · 20/07/2011 09:41

Do you know, I'm a bit sorry I asked this question now, because you all think I am in denial, when in fact ds's case, just does not warrant a big reaction. In fact it would be counter-productive.

OP posts:

TheSnickeringFox · 20/07/2011 09:47

Hi schro, sorry, I'm not meaning to be unsupportive. Of course we only see the snippets whereas you know the whole story.

It's just that my parents, and Ghost's parents, also thought there wasn't really much to worry about - when obviously there was.

I'm not sure it would have mattered which category you posted this in btw. I saw it in active conversations. I don't hang around in mental health looking for people to scare!

ThePosieParker · 20/07/2011 09:47

schroeder. Sometimes we need a little help, sometimes we just need to ask questions. Whether you think posters are right they have helped you make up your own mind, which is good. I think whatever is happening a child talking about suicide needs to be taken seriously whether or not he meant it or was just asking for help and attention. I think now you aware and keep talking to professionals about what to look out for then you're doing your job. I would be concerned that suicide can be quite a secret journey and that we never really know our children, they have quite specific relationships with us and can sometimes stop us from seeing who they really are. How many times have you met a truly horrid child whose parents think they're kind, thoughtful and lovely? The fact that a GP thinks he's 'weird' would alarm me more tbh.

Take from this thread what you need.

TheSnickeringFox · 20/07/2011 09:47

Oh, and suicidal ideation is NOT normal.

Original poster

schroeder · 20/07/2011 10:00

Thanks TSF.

I don't have a problem with people who have mental health problems btw I hope nobody thought that. (I had counselling myself in my twenties due to my abusive childhood-it was great really helped me a lot)

It's just as House always says 'if ya hear hooves think horses, not zebras' or something

Student support officer says she will keep an eye on him at school and have a chat with all his subject teachers and make sure they have no concerns.

The summer holidays are fast approaching thank The Great Pumpkin and he can relax a bit.

I know days out with the family and soccer school and so on would not help a truly suicidal kid, but it could help a boy who is tired and bored and lacking in self confidence .

I've had quite a scare though and I will certainly be watching him like a hawk from now on for any signs of anything more serious. School will too, it really is a very good school with a fantastic reputation for it's 'pastoral care' which seems to be deserved from what I have experienced.

Now I really must get off my arse and get on.

OP posts:

Original poster

schroeder · 20/07/2011 10:03

GP never said he was weird, not sure where you got that idea

OP posts:

ThePosieParker · 20/07/2011 10:04

You OP

I really am loathe to go through the GP as he already thinks he is 'weird' and has 'mental health problems' we try to tell him this isn't true (and I don't believe it is).

Original poster

schroeder · 20/07/2011 10:07

'I really am loathe to go through the GP as he already thinks he is 'weird' and has 'mental health problems' we try to tell him this isn't true (and I don't believe it is). If we took him to the GP to try and get a referral, this would just, in his mind, prove that he was right or at least that we (his parents) thought he was weird too IYKWIM.'

The he in this bit is ds not the GP. I now see how you got the wrong end of the stick.

OP posts:

Original poster

schroeder · 20/07/2011 10:08

cross posts

OP posts:

ThePosieParker · 20/07/2011 10:38

Oh shit sorry!!!

GhostInTheBackOfYourHead · 20/07/2011 10:49

Schroeder, I'm sorry if you thought we were saying we knew better. Of course you know your DS ,unlike us. I didn't think you had a problem with people with mental health problems, by the way :)

It is interesting that your DS says he has mental health problems and is weird. Do you think the stigma of people being mentally ill is what is distressing him? Children at school can be very ignorant of such matters and anyone a bit different can easily be singled out for teasing or worse. I am just wondering if your son is struggling with feeling like he is diferent to everyone else and and you telling him he hasn't got menatl health problems is confusing for him. I'm not saying you are wrong, just that he must know that wanting to kill yourself, or at least letting people know you feel like killing yourself (parasuicide) is a sign that all is not well. I am not sure if I am making myself clear.

If we took him to the GP to try and get a referral, this would just, in his mind, prove that he was right or at least that we (his parents) thought he was weird too IYKWIM
It is not a question of who is "right" and certainly not true that anyone with mental heath issues is weird, as you know. He may have picked that up at school but I really fell you need to disabuse him of that notion.
He is twelve and may or may not be struggling . He needs reassurrance that even if he has depression, for example, he is not weird and he can feel better. Have you talked about serotonin and the like? I think if he knew more about the mechanics of mental health conditions he would feel the stigma less. Does he know about your counselling?
My DD is 11 but if she was refusing to go to the GP for something relating to either her physical or mental health, I wouldn't go along with it. Absolutely no way. Twelve is too young to take full medical responsibility and when you add depression or mental health issue into the mix then age is irrelevant. If you feel he is truly safe and well then fine, just don't let your DS stop you from accessing the support he might need because it is not a power game, it's blinking serious.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 20/07/2011 11:04

I think it's sad that you see him as "not trying", when he probably is trying his best. Few people want to be miserable, and the age he is now is perhaps the loneliest age of all. Even if there are a couple of boys that he gets on with, it does not mean that he feels them to be his friends, or that they actually like each other much. My brother at that age was "friends" with other boys he played sports with etc, but it was all based on a facade of being macho which is the opposite of his real self. This doesn't mean that he's lying or trying to be dramatic - he is really feeling lonely and isolated.

My mum often thinks my brother is "not trying" - he is strongly suspected to be somewhere on the ASD spectrum, and genuinely finds things harder than other people, especially social stuff. Just because you don't understand why something is difficult, or would find the same thing easy, doesn't mean it is easy for your son. My brother sounds quite similar to your son in that he can be very funny and at ease around family but freezes up around others.

Please take him seriously :)

Original poster

schroeder · 20/07/2011 12:15

Lawks!

Right he is not refusing to go to the GP, I just know that he wouldn't want to.

I feel rather unfairly badgered now, so I'm off to name change.

Thank you for trying to help anyway.

OP posts:

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 20/07/2011 12:19

Aww don't feel badgered, everyone thinks that you're doing the right sort of things, it's just that we want everything to be alright for you and your DS. I for one think you sound like a good parent trying to do your best, just wanted to add perspective from my own family experiences.

cestlavielife · 20/07/2011 13:34

why dont you sign him up for a holiday drama group rather than football?

like stagecoach or perform etc they do holiday courses all round the country

an outlet for his drama and boost self esteem too

AmaraDresden · 20/07/2011 13:59

I think you are trying to do the right thing by making the school aware etc. But you could be finding it hard to relate to him and therefore not understanding that he feels that way even if you and the school think it isn't the case.

I took an overdose at 14, had been bullied for years and had other underlying problems. Neither my Mum nor the school thought that I was serious, the school did not witness any bullying (utter BS!), and I became adept at putting a smile on my face when inside I was falling apart. It came as a shock to them, when really it shouldn't have been as I had been saying for a couple of years that I wanted to die.

Please don't feel badgered, it's just hard for someone who isn't in your son's head to actually get how he may be feeling about things, whether you perceive a problem or not he clearly does.

NanaNina · 20/07/2011 18:04

I think OP you are being somewhat discourteous to all the posters (some of whom have told you intimate details of their own overdoses as a teenager) who have taken the trouble to respond to your original post. If you didn't want other people's opinions, why did you bother to post. It seems to me that you clearly thought posters were going to agree with you, that it was all a bit of attention seeking behaviour and he wasn't trying hard enough. When that didn't happen you became more and more defensive and your last post beginning "Lawks" in response to a very thoughtful post from Elephants & Miasmas, giving details of her brother, I think was most discourteous and dismissive.

BerylOfLaughs · 20/07/2011 18:10

Quite right NanaNina

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