is this pnd? (very long post)

[firsttimemum90]

i know some peoples problems are a lot worse then mine but i need to get a lot of my chest.
my ds is nearly 7 months and have been struggling on and off him. i love him dearly and dont know if im just being stupid and selfish.
the pregnacy came as a bit of a suprise but we were happy. I was in the middle of training to become a nurse and suffered with hyperemesis (very bad sickness) and was that bad that i was in hospital for the most part of 12 weeks. finally starting to feel a bit more human aroung 25 weeks. so i had a rubbish pregancy set me well behind in my training but didnt mind as was looking forward to the new arrival.
i had ds just before christmas and did have the overwhelming feeling of love as soon as i gave birth and breast fed him. i stayed in hospital a couple of days as his latch wasn't great but thought we had the hang of it. we got home and i struggled with bf, very sore he never seem satisfied and could barley sit up due to stiches getting infected, making feeding even harder and just holiding my baby. after a week my milk still hadn't come in, day 3 midwife came and ds was very jaundice and with all the worry i started giving formula, this completely made us loose any latch we did have so after 6 weeks of trying to breast feed and using formula i EFF and felt awful. when ds turned 3 weeks he became very hard to bf or ff, he squirmed and wriggled when ever i tried to hold him like he resented it he started refusing breast and bottle and i was incredibly stressed, spent most my time fretting he wasn't feeding enough and constantly counting oz. ds would never peacefully fall asleep in my arms or after a feed, it was always a screaming match and he prefered to be bouced to sleep in his chair then be held. family member would always coment on his feeding and the fact that he didnt like to be cuddled, my mum would say it because i didnt breast feed him properly which is making me feel so bad and makes me think i'm the reason my baby is so high demanding and unsettled :(
at around 8 weeks docs and hv said he had silent reflux got given few different meds didnt really help but i found i could only feed him if he was led on a pillow but there was still alot of crying and fussing involved, again if i was out people would want a cuddle and give him his bottle but when they saw what he was like would always comment on it. this eventually led to me hardly leaving the house and making sure i was alone to feed him as i was embarressed at how hard it was.
hv suggested weaning early at 17 weeks which i jumped at the chance, this did help feeds but still he was very fussy with bottles and still never lets me hold him or cuddle him.
my sister has recently had a baby and bf which i am happy for her, but then i get my mum saying 'ohh watch him feed isnt he a content baby', 'and ohh he so cuddily so nice to cuddle a baby' and lots of simila lines, its almost like shes trying to get to me, and make me feel worse then i already do.
maybe its my babies temperment that he likes to cry alot likes to fuss and doesnt like to be cuddled, but it really makes me feel like i've done something wrong to have such an upset baby. i do feel jelous looking at other mums cuddling there babies, and their babies giving into sleep and dosing in their arms because i have never had that closeness to my baby.
of course he is a joy to be with smiling laughing away at me, he likes it if i lye next to him and he can stare at my face i just findit such a shame he has to make such a fuss, i really though feeding and cuddles would be so natrual but has been a struggle from day one.
I knew having a baby would be hard and a big life style change but i just had that tiny thought of after such a hard pregancy i would have an easy baby. i see friends who have had babies and they're so content, feeding well hardly crying. when my ds crys i really dont know what he wants and feel like i've failed. i feel if i perservered with breast feedings things would be different.
i think im just having a bad day, seeing my sister with her new baby has brought all the memories and guilt back, will it ever go? and am i to blame for his behaviour?

You've had a hard time and a difficult start and so has your baby. You do realise don't you that reflux is not your fault? Do you somewhere down below blame yourself? Try not to. And to hell with what people say or think. My ds apart from spending 3 weeks in NICU/SCBU had colic until he was 4 months and spent every late afternoon/evening screaming, latching on, falling off the breast, it was soul destroying. Let them try it for themselves.

Reflux would also have happened if you had breastfed, with the added challenge of getting the meds in...At least formula can be thickened etc.

It is time for you and baby to do something positive. If i was your doctor (I'm not a doctor!!) I would prescribe you a baby massage course very urgently.You need to so some fun bonding stuff. If you can't get to a course spend some time together in a warm place, strip him down to a nappy, yourself down to as little as you are comfy with and have a good old cuddle - he may have come to associate you with the battle of feeding so don't be put off if he doesn't like it straight away.

Then get some neutral massage oil and just rub some in your hands then gentle stroke him while he lies in front of you, especially arms and leg, avoid his tummy. Talk to him gently or sing.

Make time for play - try not to let everything be the battle of food. He will survive and grow out of his reflux. My ds lives quite happily on the 0.4th centile - skinny kiddos can be very happy healthy ones (my ds is 3) so don't panic too much about weight.

If you feel depressed, stressed out, not sleeping, tearful etc. go talk to your GP.

Hi firsttimemum, first of all [hugs]. I know a bit of what youre going through. Both my LOs (DD 2.5, DS 15 weeks) have had reflux, both silent at first, my DD was worse, screaming constantly when she wasny being fed or sleeping. I had never heard of reflux and it wasn't diagnosed until she was 6 weeks. She was never a baby who liked hugs either. I realised at 6-7 months that I had PND, partly due to the reflux, partly traumatic birth and mostly just hormones I think.

I did manage to bf altho I didn't have the problems with refusing feeds etc but can completely sympathise with your guilt at stopping BF, but in the grand scheme of things it's not the end of the world, do you think it will matter when they're a teenager??

My DD didn't like cuddles despite the bf, but as she's got older she's got much more affectionate so it will come, don't worry.

You are probably already doing all this but if he still has reflux keep him still and upright for 30 mins after a feed and don't jiggle him about.

I'm not sure about the baby massage myself, my DD didn't really like it, I think some babies just like their own space. Maybe you could do something else together like swimming or music lessons?

Re the PND, your feelings of guilt are completely normal, I don't know a mum who doesn't feel guilty about something! You may or may not have PND; having said that it wouldnt be a surprise after the crappy start you've had to endure; look at a list of symptoms by googling and see what you think. My PND (got it again now) comes out as feeling v stressed, having a v short fuse, very irritable and paranoia and anxiety. II know for others it's feeling weepy, constantly tired etc.

One option might be to have listening visits from a HV; whether you have PND or not it sounds like it wouldn't hurt for you to have an objective person to talk to. I don't know what your relationship with your mum is like or if she's being deliberate or not but with my DD in particular I thought everyone was thinking I was doing a bad job and was sensitive to all comments (the paranoia).

Also try to get out as much as possible for walks with your LO; the exercise is good for raising endorphins and it should help the bonding; but also try to have some time to yourself, even just an hour a week.

Sorry about mammoth thread, hope it helps!! x

thanks for your replys nice to off load to someone! maybe i am just struggling with all the feeding problems and ds demanding moods and the complete lifestyle change.
i mean its not everyday sometimes he can be a little angel and of course i love him and deep down know i wouldnt have him any other way, i do just crave having more closeness with him. thanks for the advice we do have lots of play time on the floor where we are very close with lots of eye contact and can cuddle him like that if i make it fun by tickling him etc!
having said all this he is teething atm and woke up upset around ten last night and for once fell back asleep peacfully in my arms couldn't belive it!
I'm not sure if it is pnd i think i just get very overwhelmed some days and i know it sounds bad but miss my old life, but i know i really wouldnt have it any other way ds is my world.
i've also got the stress of returning to work at the end really worrying about childcare.
regards to my mum, we are close but she is very contolling when ever i see her (especially when ds was newborn) she would through different bits of advice on feeding sleeping etc and confuse me either more. its hard being a new mum and she is just trying to help but she wants to control things. I don't (hope) she isn't trying to make digs at me with my sister bf so well, i really wish i would of carried on and is my biggest regret. ds is fine he's heathy i just need to try put all that guilt behind me.
I think i may talk to hv about feeding and how i feel and see what help there is.
thanks again for all your advice

Hi firsttimemum90. Firstly, congrats on becoming a mum!
It's a monumental life change - nothing prepares you for it..so don't be too hard on yourself, it's still v early days.

I've recovered from severe PND - I pretty much lived on here in the early days as I felt so lost and desperate for guidance. As silly as it sounds, you've not done this before so how are you supposed to be a confident new mum? Also, I soon learned that all babies are different. It felt like I was surrounded by angel babies who smiled calmly while their mums gently nursed them...meanwhile my DS was back arching violently, screaming (only dogs could hear him) and generally making me get v hot and sweaty in public.

Here's the thing - there is no 'perfect' baby. They are all individuals with their own mini personalities. You might not see it now but your DS will amaze you as he becomes a little man.I used to be painfully embarrassed by my DS's BIG personality, now I am genuinely blushing with pride because he's funny, charming, cheeky and of course beautiful (biased?!).

Mums can be v thoughtless with their passing often v unhelpful comments re raising your baby- I've been there. It's all nonsense of course..you're doing brilliantly and your baba is lovely just the way he is. Don't take it on board,you have enough on your plate.

Talk to your GP/HV about how you're feeling just for piece of mind. You'll be fine - even if it's PND, it's v treatable. Look after yourself :-)

...peace of mind even. oops.