I suffer from terrible anxiety.
I have reasons why this is the case, but I won't go into them now.
I wake up every morning with the most awful feelings of fear and dread and trepidation. Negative and worrying thoughts take over my mind and often I feel compelled to kneel down over the toilet and wretch as if to try and purge the thoughts away. I equate this compulsion to a form of self harming. as I just get some sort of relief (albeit temporarily) from doing it.
I work 3 days a week (paid) and 1 day a week I do voluntary work,
On these days, although I feel like this, because I both enjoy my work and am a very responsible person, I always manage to go in, and am usually fairly ok when I am there. Sometimes I can't concentrate very well or make decisions but for the most part my work hasn't really suffered too much.
At weekends however, I have great difficulty doing very much unless I have specifically planned something.
I feel so overwhelmed with anxiety on these days that I can't even watch TV or read a book sometimes.
The most mundane of tasks seem insurmountable-such as making a phone call, tidying up, sorting out paper work etc.
Without a specific thing to do, I tend to act like an animal in a cage- wandering from room to room sitting on the sofa like a zombie, or feeling the need to lie down and try to sleep to get away from the negative and pervasive thoughts that grip my mind and physically incapacitate me, de-motivate me. If the phone rings I panic.
The anxiety usually begins to subside by the evening when my energy enthusiasm begin to return. I must admit I drink about half a bottle of red wine every night which is clearly a factor in my falling anxiety levels
In the evening I can make plans in my head and feel like I can live a normal life- but each morning on waking the terrible monster in my brain returns to taunt me making me feel impotent and incapable again, and physically exhausted.
The reason for posting now, is that I work for a college and have at term time only contract. In one week?s time I will be starting my 6 weeks holiday while the college is closed.
Most people would be anticipating this with excitement but for me it is creating even more anxiety than ever.
I am terrified that without a reason to get up (my job) I will end up spending the whole summer wandering around my flat like a lost soul incapable of doing any thing but the barest minimum to survive.
I am not currently on any medication. 2 summers ago I went to my GP who diagnosed me with depression and prescribed anti-depressants. I tried 2 different ADs (Citaltrapram/Mirtazipan) but both exacerbated the anxiety and gave me panic attacks, so I stopped taking them.
I have been seeing a psychotherapist on the NHS since January, which has been great in some ways but has not really helped with the debilitating anxiety I experience so far.
Valium works wonders, but understandably my GP will only prescribe occasional small doses.
So. the main reason I'm posting is to ask if anyone has got any positive experiences of medication that has worked for them with regard to chronic anxiety, or any other remedies/ tips that I could try.
I am really so scared and desperate about the coming 6 weeks summer break. I also feel so guilty that my DS (13)has to deal with a mum like me.
I am a lone parent, and my DS (13) has no siblings nor grandparents, so relies heavily on me.
Our relationship is very intense emotionally (part of the problem tbh) and I feel so bad that my mental health issues prevent me from giving him a more noraml and joyful life full of wonderful memories and experiences
Thanks so much for reading.