Feeling Lonely

[diane77]

I am on mat leave after having ds 10 weeks ago I also have dd who is 2, I am feeling so lonely. I do have family close by but they are all out at work most of the time, as are my friends although I dont really seem to have to many after losing touch over the past few years since getting married. I desperately miss my work and really dont know how i will get through the next few months of leave. I love my kids but findit difficult to get out and about with them due to their ages at the moment, i have thought about joining different groups but am a little shy and find it hard in these situations. People dont see this as they think im quite outgoing I work as a nurse and blether away to my patients but that is because i have my nurse head on. I just dont know what to do.

You can never be lonely with Mumnset !
I'm sure as your baby gets a bit bigger it wil be easier getting out & about - even if its only for a walk to the local shop.
Use the time to get in touch with your friends again - a new baby is a great excuse for a visit !

I think all of us have felt lonely at times though it feels wierd to admit it. I do know exactly what you mean about friends - would say that now I don't have many at all, despite being very sociable all my life - you DO lose touch with friends who aren't doing the parent stuff, and I only found one really good 'ante-natal' friend. I tried a couple of mum and toddler groups but I must admit found them cliquey - I found mums only went along with another friend so weren't so up for making conversation with strangers as I was. Used to look at me as if I was mad when I spoke to them so I have to admit I was beaten and gave up.

Maybe you could do an evening thing for YOU that you enjoy? Might make the days more bearable? And even consider going back to work a bit early, part time? Would be a break for you from the 24/7 feeling you have at the moment. You just tell people you have to financially, you don't ever have to explain further.
I don't have the answers - but I hope you feel better soon!

Much sympathy and virtual hugs, diane! I was desperate to get back to work by 10 weeks - well, actually not to work specifically (yuck!) but out of being just with ds all day (lovely as he is)!

Here's some more ideas. I like dexter and whizz's too. Ignore them if they don't sound good, but maybe one of them might help?

• Some groups are friendly, some are cliquey but of course you need to get past the hurdle of going first. I like to hide behind ds whenever I feel shy - if no-one has approached me i just focus on him, even though he'd be quite hapy playing on his own sometimes. If no-one is friendly within the first half hour, you could just leave again - who cares? and anyway if people think anything they'll assume it's cos of some problem with one of the kids!

• Can you get someone to come along with you at least to a first session? Eg friend/relative who takes a morning off work for this purpose, or anyone you know vaguely who goes already?? Or phone organiser and ask if you can help out eg set up toys, take register... then you'd have a helper head on. Or just ask organiser to introduce you to people, tell her you are shy. They must be used to that. Maybe especially church-based groups?

• Homestart run a service where they can either get someone to visit you once a week for a while, or put you in a group especially for mums feeling a bit vulnerable. I LOVED my homestart group cos we were all in the same boat, all struggling somehow, no-one was trying to pretend to be supermum (bit like mumsnet) so you could be yourself. They said sometimes people just came and wanted to sit in the corner - or even sleep! - and that was fine too! Your health visitor can refer you, or surestart office if you're in their area. Homestart can also arrange someone to accompany you to group at first, cos a LOT of mums do need this. (I did, just couldn't get myself out of the house otherwise.)

• Can you tell one/some of your relatives/friends how you feel - you explained it pretty well here. Ask them if they have other friends who are around in the day and you might get on with.

• Volunteer to help other lonely people e.g. the elderly. Some of them get volunteers visit them and some must long to see kids too. You could go into a day centre or old people's home, maybe. I bet ds and dd would be well coo-ed over and that's always nice for mum, I reckon!

• Do you have enough money to pay a childminder one morning/afternoon a week or something, and volunteer at Oxfam/ learn pottery etc?

where do you live?
Maybe you could meet up with a fellow mumsnetter

Hi Diane77 we were wondering how you were getting on. Sorry to hear that you are feeling lonely. People allways think that we are quite content at home and don't understand how isolated you can feel. Is your health visitor any good? can she suggest a small group you could attend or put you in touch with any other new mums in the area? Please don't forget the september post natal thread some of the girls on there may have a few suggestions.

i live near falkirk in scotland

Thankyou for all the advice I think ive got my self into a rut i need to give myself a shake and get out there. The best thing has been being able to talk to people thank goodness for mumsnet.

www.home-start.org.uk/