what do you think?

[inkystinky]

Im a regular poster but have namechanged for this.

When I was a young girl my mum died,left me to live with a stepfather who didnt want me but put up with me until I was 17 and then threw me out.

All my childhood was spent in refuges/battered wife hostels/squats etc etc my mum although I think she tried just didnt know how to be a mum and as a result she had lots of relationships with many different men,drank a lot and unfortunately used drugs.

Im not asking for sympathy about this im an adult im responsible i have my own dc and up until now ive been ok about everything.

I know I have been abused in every way possible but its ok I can keep those feelings locked away and its happened i cant undo it,im not at fault and i cant get time back so i dont think about it.

Earlier this year I started having feelings of wild panic,I kept this to myself as im a coper I dont grumble but I had a panic in iceland (supermarket,classy chick) and a family friend caught me,i was so embarrased and tried to say i was ok i was just on my fone but she could feel my heart pounding,this was the start of the decline,someone else realising that i was feeling like this.

Now and for a long time i wake every morning at 4am and im petrified,my heart is pounding and im shaking,I get out of my bed but im literally petrified (there is no reason for me to feel like this i have 2 hefty teenage sons in the house who would literally kill an intruder)i creep downstairs and sit on the bottom stair,i cannot sit anywhere else,my heart is pounding and my mouth dry but i cant open the fridge to get a drink im too scared= then i become panic stricken that the doors not locked (it is locked i check before i go to bed)but i cant walk into the living room to check i have to 'leopard crawl' to the door for fear ill be seen- its ridiculous im in my own home -i tell myself this but i get increasingly panicked and all hot.

This will go on for ages and sometimes i have to lie on the sofa with my head under a cushion (getting hotter and hotter)until i feel safe enough to go upstairs.

I feel constantly on guard and shriek if the phone rings or someone knocks on the door in fact if im entirely honest i often dont answer my door cos im too scared.

Last week i bumped into my stepfather who is very old and whom ive not spoken to in many year and this old man frightened me so much its silly.

I have to go to the drs i cant live like this but is he going to believe me? this isnt normal is it?

forgot to say if i get panicky in the day the only way i can cope is to go to bed lie there under 3 duvets with a huge lion toy on top me asnd try to breathe normally im 36 i shouldnt hide in my bed under a heavy stuffed animal should i.

Hello that sounds horrible, you seem to be aware that your experiences as a child and growing up are now impacting on you. I'm not a psychologist but I'm guessing there is probably quite a lot of things that have happened to you that have not ever been explored or dealt with. My guess is you would do well to look for a good psychotherapist and start to work through some of the issues. A trip to the gp would be a good idea but they might just give you medication when actually imo talking therapy will in the long term help you more.

Girlie thankyou for answering- its quite ridiculous to think im the one who helps everyone else -yet i cant help myself.

Im afraid of counselling because I dont want to remember stuff ive forgot.

I am concerned the Gps going to just hand me some prozac or something as I certainly wont take them- I dunno how i can help myself sort this out.

Oh you poor love - you are describing the symptoms of anxiety and depression. You need to get to the GP and get some help. You say that you can keep the traumas you suffered in your childhood "all locked away" but you know i don't think this works very well, as it is always there, lurking in the background, and could well be the cause of your emotional distress at the moment. You really are suffering and need to see the GP and tell him/her exactly what is going on. Remember you won't be telling him/her anything they haven'theard before probably hundreds of times before as 1 in 4 people suffer from mental illness at some time in their lives. Of course the GP is going to believe you - maybe write your symptoms down as one liners, so it will be easier to read. You are describing classic symptoms, so make that appointment and get the help you need and deserve.

Unfortunatly I think you're going to have to deal with what has happened to you if you want to start to feel better. Would counselling really be more scary than how you are feeling now? The only way I have ever found of dealing with anxiety is to face it front on, the more you listen to the fears the more power you give them.

What about giving yourself a little tlc, like reflexology or a massage? Sometimes if I feel myself feeling a bit anxious I repeat to myself 'I am safe' over and over. I do symapthise, I've not had panic attacks as bad as yours sound but I have suffered with anxiety in the past, its a horrible feeling. I got better with some counselling, as well as changing the way I responded to the feelings. I found the more I listened to the fears the worse it got - if that makes sense?!

Thanks your kind words have made me cry .

I just want it to go away- want things back to how they were and not feel so scared.