I've taken the first step.

[CatPower]

This is my first time posting on the MH board.

Today I finally spoke to my GP about the lowness I've been feeling. I've been having low moods on and off since I was a teen - back then, my parents put it down to me just being an awkward teenage girl. I'm 27 now, and I don't think I can put up with it anymore.

For the last few weeks it's been getting steadily worse. I'm not sleeping, or when I do sleep it's at about 9pm, so I end up waking at 1am and then I can't sleep anymore. I've got no motivation for anything - the house could be a pigsty and I've got no inclination to do anything about it. Nothing excites me, nothing stimulates me. I either feel nothing, or I feel very negative. I feel guilty about food - if I eat something "bad", all I want to do is "get rid" of it, usually by throwing up. I'm relying on three glasses of wine to help me get to sleep, or if not wine then I'm taking my painkillers (for another medical issue, I'm waiting for a big hip operation and am in a lot of daily pain) so they knock me out. This isn't real sleep though. I feel utterly useless and lazy, a complete waste of space, time and energy.

I wrote a list for my GP of how I've been feeling, and how long I've been feeling this way. She was very helpful, she's referred me for a NHS CBT website (Beating The Blues?), she gave me lots of Moodjuice booklets about anxiety, depression and sleeplessness, and she gave me a prescription for citalopram 20mg.

I feel like a failure. That I should be able to cope without anti-depressants.

I don't really know why I'm posting other than to get it all out of my head.

Great that you have taken the first step catpower and hope the citalopram works for you but it will take a few weeks to kick in and you might feel slightly worse before you start to feel better but stick at it and you will gradually start to feel better, its good that you have helpfull GP.
The problem with alcohol is that it is actually a depressant which wont make you feel any better, it may knock you out to start with but it wont give you the restfull sleep you need.
You certainly are not useless and lazy, a complete waste of space, time and energy, you just have a lot to cope with at the moment what with being in pain and waiting for an operation, that is enough to make anyone feel low.
If the citalopram doesnt work for you there are plenty of other ADs your GP can try but please watch what other medication and alcohol you are taking as mixing is not a good idea, ideally you should not be taking any alcohol at all with ADs.

Oh don't worry, I'm not going to have booze on my ADs at all, I know it's a bad mix.

Day three on citalopram. I'm finding myself a little more anxious today - whether that's just me thinking about it too much, or whether I'm noticing it because I'm taking tablets now I don't know. DP is being incredibly supportive which is exactly what I need - I woke up mid-morning (unheard of, normally) and he'd been busy doing the dishes, tidying up etc, keeping DS occupied so I could catch up on some sleep. We've had our fair share of problems over the years, but he's a good man.

I haven't told anyone about the ADs, apart from DP of course. It's not something I'd just drop into conversation. I feel like I should tell my parents but my mother especially has never really handled the fact that my head's a bit of a mess. She's of the "we all have problems, pull yourself together" generation, and has a habit of getting very upset on the rare occasions I do try to discuss things. If it comes up (how would it?) then maybe I'll mention it. We'll see.

No side effects, so far. None that I've noticed anyway, but it's early days. Although, when I think about it, my appetite has been almost non-existant yesterday and today. Again, I could just be over-thinking that, though.

I'm ploughing on with the citalopram. I'm not sure what I'm expecting, as such. Maybe sometime in the next few weeks I'll wake up and not feel all this pressure on my head? Is that what happens? I haven't a clue.

I'm trying to keep to my usual daily routine, but it's harder now that DS is on his summer holidays. I'm trying to make an effort to get out more with him, even if it's just to sit in the garden for a while or to the shops for a treat. I feel guilty that I don't do "enough" with him, whatever enough is.

I still haven't read the booklets my GP gave me. I feel a bit scared too, as though seeing all my symptoms listed under a big heading of DEPRESSION will make me feel even more messed up than I already am. Really need to face up to that, though.

One thing I've noticed, my sleeping patterns are even crazier than they were before. I get to the middle of the afternoon and I just want to crash out for an hour, and yet by bedtime I'm wide awake and it's even more impossible than normal to sleep. I know this'll level out in time, feels tough just now.