A bit of a long one - not sure what to do - I don't seem to be getting better :(

[OrangeHat]

I will try and keep this brief! Basically I'm looking for advice. Also have namechanged for this!

So here is the situation:

1. When I was pg with DC2 I got anxiety, quite bad, I was referred to mental health team and had some CBT. The anxiety surrounds going outside - I get paranoid that people want to hurt the children, although I know that these thoughts are irrational
2. So I had that treatment (outpatient, through peri-natal team, they didn't seem too concerned IYSWIM) and after DC2 I slowly recovered (ie was able to leave the house) but I continued having the thoughts and occasional panic attacks
3. Also feeling very low a lot of the time although this seems linked to the children - when I am not with them I feel "normal" more or less, but when I am with them I feel this anxiety and terror and paranoia which is just really pissing me off. Although I think I hide it well (DCs have only ever seen one panic attack and DH seems to think they haven't noticed). This is all about me really - the kids seem fine. I do wonder if I am also a bit depressed (don't want to do anything that I don't have to, very little joy in anything, don't look forward to anything). Bizarrely though I went off by myself to do an exam the other day and had a really good time .
4. Last night got set off by the story about the man who ran over the child and stopped around the corner to check whether his car was damaged and couldn't sleep and all the rest of it. Awful thoughts - I'm sure anyone reading this board will know the sort of thing I mean
5. I'm sick of it.

So I guess it looks like I'm OK when I'm not with the DCs that is a bit odd in itself and as such don't know whether it is "proper" illness as it seems to be reactive IYSWIM.

Anyway I guess the answer is to go to the GP BUT I'm scared to as I'm scared they will report me to SS. This is because I always drank quite a lot through my life (not when pg though) and after DC2 I started drinking a lot (in the evenings when DH was here and he doesn't really drink), looking back it was self-medicating as I was feeling so bad (all the stuff upthread). Anyway I decided to stop and on advice from MN went to see GP and ask for support with it, they referred me onto an agency, and the agency without ever having met me referred me to SS. (They got the wrong end of the stick and thought I was drinking when I had sole charge of the children, which was incorrect). Anyway that led to the most stressful time of my life when we had a visit from SS and they took about 3 months to tell us what the result was (no further action) but it was just so so awful. SS said I had to tell the GP and the nursery to expect a call which I did and then SS never called them - so the GP knows about the referral. For this reason I am concerned that if I go along with this anxiety/depression they will look at my notes and refer again "to be on the safe side". I really really don't want that.

So I don't know what my options are. I have tried everything I can think of. I have read self help books, I had the CBT, I have tried courses and hobbies, breathing, relaxation, talking to DH the whole time, everything I can think of. I'm at a dead end now, and I'm still stuck with this anxiety and feeling no joy in life, most of the time.

What should I do?

Hi, sorry I didn't see your thread earlier but on reading through, I was thinking antidepressants, antidepressants...then saw your further post to say you had been prescribed some. Definitely should help.

I have very similar issues mixed depression/anxiety and the recent news item you mentioned provoked the same response in me.

I am on same ADs, have been for several years & they really agree with me. I do still get occasional 'manageable' anxiety esp when something stressfull happens in my life & notice a temporary increase in anxious thoughts, usually settles back to normal.

Hope you feeling better soon

Hi Orangehat - sorry you didn't get many responses to your post initially. I too am glad you have been to GP and are on meds. Look I don't want to be overly negative and ADs have certainly helped me ( I suffered a major depressive episode last Easter and was in psych hosp for 3 months) but they are not magic bullets - would that there were some, as depression is a horrible illness in my view and completely misunderstood by most people who have no first hand experience of it.

Fortunately the ADs will start to kick in and lift your mood, but because ADs react differently on different people, sometimes you have to try a couple or so to get the right one. You have probably got the right one. The other thing is that sometimes there are fluctuations in your mood, feeling great on some days and then a setback of a few days when you feel really low again. This is what happened with me and I am still not fully recovered. However you are much younger (I am in my late 60s) and recovery comes easier when you are younger. I hope I am not coming over as too negative - just wanted to say to keep your thoughts balanced and don't expect miracles but you will undoubtedly feel much much better when the meds kick in.

RE social workers - I am a retired sw and tm mgrs - retired after 23 years in children's services for a LA and have a lot of experience of child protection. Please believe me that it is enshrined in law that sws must do everything they possibly can to keep a family together by offering support etc., and I really don't think you should worry. You are no longer drinking and have not done so for 2 years - so no worries there. IF they are involved at all (which I doubt because no one will refer you and even if they do you will be seen as very low priority for intervention) it will be to offer support. However all LA SSDs are severely under resourced and are really struggling and there are more cuts to come, and so you may not get much in the way of support.

Do hope you start to feel better soon - sending warm wishes

Hi mummylin, Imelda and nannynina, thank you all for replying.

Imelda it's funny that the same new item made us both react, I suppose it is one of those things. Nice to know that I'm not the only one who feels like this.

I have been feeling kind of spaced out - it's a bit odd - I still have the anxiety thoughts but I don't get the same emotional response to them, I guess that side of things is blunted. Which is definitely an improvement. My mum commented on how cheerful I seemed as well. Certainly there is no doubt that i feel better although the spaced out feeling is a bit disconcerting. I wonder if a slightly disconnected feeling is the price to pay. Or maybe it will pass as my brain adjusts to the drug.

I have also been really zonked out - I just feel like sleeping. I don't know whether this is a side effect or whether after the last couple of years being so highly strung and stressed out, it's my mind being able to have a rest and the whole of me saying to take some time out. Don't know about that. I have had an awful lot on, on top of the anxiety, maybe too much. But most of it has come to an end now so it will be good to see how I feel without all the stressors.

Thanks again everyone for the support and kind messages

glad to see there is some improvement.The only way is Up !!! Im sure you will still get the times when you feel low,but eventually you will get more good days than bad,then one day there will hopefully be only the good ones.There must be a marked improvement if your mum could already see the difference in you.I expect its your medication making you feel a bit out of the loop,maybe it will lessen when your body gets more used to it.

Well today was great - I felt completely normal all day - entirely myself. I haven't felt like that for ages! I got on with stuff like I used to, had some energy, felt quite cheerful (but not abnormally so!), just normal really. It's fantastic. Here's hoping that it stays this way (and not thinking to when I stop taking the darn things or if they wear off!!!).

I am so pleased that you seem to be on the up.Its great news.May you continue to stay happier in yourself.I expect the sunshine helps too !!

Thanks mummylin it's very kind of you to keep an eye on this thread

I have an appt with the GP later for my 2 week check (only gave me 2 weeks worth of pills). I will see a different doc to before as she was a locum (and very very nice - shame she's not a regular). Fingers crossed it all goes OK. And hope that they just dish me out a big prescription and let me go on my way!

I think my brain has got used to the drugs now, I don't feel as disconnected, and generally feel better than before. Although not as great as I felt a few days back but that's to be expected I guess, they aren't magic!

I expect you will have good days and some maybe not so good days ,but eventually hopefully they will all be good days for you.Hope you get on ok at docs and that they are happy with your progress.

Just popped in to see how you are doing now a few days have passed ? Hope you are feeling happier each day.

Hi there

All is fine here. I haven't had any anxiety attacks since I started the drugs and have been more cheerful generally. DH thinks that I seem better. It seems to have settles down as well in that I'm not feeling spaced out or "high" any more - so all round I am pleased with the result.

I have to go back for my next batch in a couple of weeks, the woman initially said 6 months. The idea of coming off the bothers me in case of side effects or mood crashing etc but TBH I'll just cross that bridge when I come to it, no point in thinking about it now! Just try to enjoy feeling so much more normal and getting on with life.

Hi there, I wondered if perhaps you'd considered hypnotherapy, might be worth a try.

Hi Sossiges

It's not something I'd thought about! It can help with anxiety I think? Is that right?