Who am I?

[loulounz]

Going through nasty divorce has opened up all sorts of feelings inside, including bad memories from my childhood. I have two dd's (3 & 1) and I hurt twice as much thinking they will experience hurt/insecurities because they now also come from a broken family.

I feel like a nobody.
I feel lost.
I feel alone.
I don't know who I am.
I don't know where I belong.
I don't know why I am here.
I HATE him so much I feel I will explode.

What can I do?

It is possible for kids to feel secure etc even when their parents have split up. It helps if the father has regular contact rather than sporadic, of course, but it is possible even if the father is a visit-once-a-year type arse.

It will be harder for you, but you will manage. where do you want to go from here?

Message withdrawn

OH dear LL
You are in a similar position to me
my kids are 3 1/2 and 17 mths

I am about to go & cook my tea, and then I have put a watch on your thread so I can read your history.

I will be back in an hour to chat to you - either on MN this thread or you can CAT me.

if you're not around I will post on this thread

back again

right

You are NOT a nobody
You are maybe physically alone but I care - I have physical and emotioanl support in RL from family & friends which is great - I have also had a lot of emotional support from MN - H said it was sad - but it has been great for sounding off and for advice.
You are a good mother
you are Im sure a lovely lady
you are on earth to look after your kids and interact with other deserving people and learn
you are on MN cos there are great people here to prop you up
you WONT explode

I have just read your thread and it is very similiar - the ages of kids, the fact your H never put the effort in before & now wants to
LET HIM
you have the proper relationship/family with your kids
when they are older they will understand & form their own opinions

you MUST do nice things while he has them

e.g go to gym, film, nails, have a coffee in a cafe & read a book - cant do that with kids

am off to cook again but CAT me if you want ot chat

Thanks for your comments.

I just want all this hurt to stop - had nearly a year of it now! Just when I think he can't hurt me any more he takes something else away from me and sets off all the emotional upset again. Tells everyone how much he cares for his dd's, but has stopped paying for everything other than his child maintenance - I know I'm lucky that he pays that but as he's stopped paying my bills (which I thought he would continue to do until I at least got myself on my feet - (for the dd's sake)) he is actually forcing us out of our home as I cannot afford to live here! The shortfall in money is not enough to take him to Court as it would be too costly, can't get benefit help and dont really want to get a job where I live now because I'm desperate to move away closer to family, so I have no choice but to leave my home and hope he doesn't move back in! The house is under offer, but he is now playing silly b's and is trying to blackmail me into agreeing to what he offers financially in return for him signing contracts! Just why do they have to be so mean - he left, not me! Hasn't he hurt me enough? and surely he realises that what hurts me hurts the dd's - especially not being able to pay my gas/elec bills etc!!

I really need a good kicking as well because despite all the sh"t he's put us through, there's still (on the very rare occasion) a miniscule part of me that wants it to be a bad dream and for us all to be back together! AM I REAL???!!!! Someone talk some sense into me. I HATE HIM - I REALLY DO, so I can't understand why I still feel like this sometimes!

To top my day off as well, I've started packing and I can't find some jewellery that I've had for a long time that means a lot to me. It just seems to be one thing after another!

Maybe I need to see a psychiatrist because this is sending me mad!

Just packing a few things for the move and I'm in floods of tears???!!!

12 years of my life is coming to an end. Have to throw everything away as I'm moving to a much smaller place. Know I shouldn't cling on to things or even want to - but that was my life all going in the bin!

I feel even more lost and wondering who I actually am now!

Just me, the dd's, clothes and toys - that's it. Middle of life and that's all I have to show for it.

Someone help me stop feeling sorry for myself! I know, I know - I have my health and two beautiful dd's but I've lost my security and my identity yet again! I just hate life right now.

oh LL, I've just read this. How are you feeling now? It's normal to still wish you were together after everything, I haven't been through divorce but I know lots of people say they feel that; after all he must have attractive qualities or you wouldn't have married him.

It can be so horrid what people do to each other during divorce, I don't understand either how someone can let their children suffer from extra upheaval and stress over a bit of money either, though I guess he may be hurting too and not thinking straight, I don't know.

I hope the move went okay and you start to feel better gradually. Have you moved closer to your family?