I've name changed because I feel so pathetic posting this, but I am getting to a point where I just can't cope anymore.
I am constantly worried that my DS (6yo) is going to get ill or even die.
To give a bit of background, he was hospitalised twice as a baby with gastroenteritis, was dangerously dehydrated and put on a drip both times.
Then at the age of two he had this weird coughing problem which went on for two and a half years. He would cough uncontrollably for weeks, day and night and the doctors didn't know what was causing it. He was treated for reflux and asthma but none of the medicine helped. He was admitted to hospital for tests but the doctors were unable to make a diagnosis.
These days he suffers quite badly with hayfever in the summer months, but is otherwise a strong healthy boy. The problem is my own paranoia.
Every time he coughs, and I mean even just to clear his throat, I freeze and my blood runs cold. All the memories of that horrible time come flooding back and I just go into mental meltdown. I worry that the coughing problem is starting all over again. Even when he is perfectly well I wake up in the mornings and my first thought is that he will be ill that day. Of course 99 per cent of the time he isn't and is fine, but it doesn't stop me worrying and being anxious all the time.
If I hear that another child at school is sick, I am paranoid that he will catch it and I find myself deliberately avoiding situations where I think he might catch something, such as softplay centres or swimming pools.
This is really having a negative effect on me. I don't let on to DS how worried I am and I tend to keep it all inside. But I walk around feeling totally on the edge all the time and I know I am missing out having fun with him because I just can't relax.
Even when he has had common childhood ailments, tummy bugs, colds, etc, I am just a nervous wreck. I worry that I will miss something important and he will become seriously ill or even die because I didn't do the right thing. I am constantly at the doctors over the slightest thing with him and I'm sure they are all fed up with the totally neurotic mother I know I have become.
I know my feelings are completely irrational, and I know all children get ill sometimes, but I dread it because I feel I can't cope. I then start thinking all sorts of horrible things that might happen. I love him so much - he is my only child and there's no chance of me having any more - and the thought of losing him is too much to bear.
I've talked to DP and my family about this and although they are understanding and sympathetic they don't know how to help me because ultimately I know I am being irrational, but I just can't control my fears.
I haven't told my GP because I don't want to be put on pills - I don't have depression, just paranoia about this one issue. But I do need some sort of help because these negative thoughts are controlling my life.
I've thought about therapy - CBT in particular, but it's not available on the NHS in my area and there's no way we can afford to do it privately.
Am I the only person to feel like this? What's wrong with me? Why can't I just look at this rationally like other people do and deal with it?
Any help or words of advice would be much appreciated as I dread feeling like this day after day.