I can't sleep, worried my kids will be taken from me.

[DiamondDoris]

I posted the other day, been mulling it over more, can't stop thinking about it, can't sleep. Neighbours have complained about shouting, my shouting, mainly at soon to be ex DH. We are still living under the same roof, he's keeping marital home, and I'm in the process of buying a flat for me and my DCs. I strongly believe DH is a narcissist and have put up with his strange and controlling behaviour for 10 years and am now at burn out point. It's got worse since I annouced I wanted a divorce several months ago. Social Services came round Friday to investigate the shouting (my shouting, screaming) and are coming again to interview me, DH and DCs. I'm petrified that DH is going to say I'm a bad mother with a bad temper. I know I'm not. I do scream and shout at him mainly, sometimes at the kids, especially when DS is doing something dangerous (he's autistic) or when my DD kicks me or ignores me, or tells me to go away - I feel she is picking up how he treats me (no respect, unpaid housekeeper). DH says it's all in my mind, that I just don't set boundaries. Surely the DCs are picking up on how he treats me, the lack of respect? I can't even throw things away without his questioning me. He found 2 plastic bags that I'd put in the bin and wanted to know why I was throwing them away - they had been used to contain my DS's vomited and weed on clothing. Why do I have to put up with this nonsense? Anyway, I'm worried that he is going to make a big thing of my mood swings - I don't know if I'm bipolar, just compeletely stressed and burned out or even ptsd. I'm worried that he will try and get full custody of the children and make me out to be a complete waste of space of a mother. Sorry, it's late and this isn't very coherant but I hope someone understands.

You won't lose your kids. Be honest with SS and it will be fine. You're moving out soon anyway, which will help ease your stress and help with the shouting, Ss will understand that.

Go and see your GP. You sound depressed.

Try and stop shouting, you're making yourself as bad as him. Yes, the children will be copying his behaviour, but the will also be copying your shouting and screaming. When he starts to wind you up, walk away. I know this is easier said than done, but you only need to be strong for a few more weeks.

Why are you throwing away clothes with vomit on? Why can't they be washed? To be fair if I found my dc's clothes in the bin, I'd also ask why, not saying your DH is perfect, but it is a fair question.

I think the most important thing would be go and talk to your GP as soon as is possible and be very honest with them about the way you feel. There is nothing wrong with admitting you are struggling, especialy when you are dealing with the breakdown of your marriage.

Good luck with things.

Thanks Dooin - no, I was throwing away the plastic bags not the clothing! The clothing went into the wash. No, it was the plastic bags he was questioning - I don't thing anyone would want to recycle them! My DH doesn't shout as he is in complete control and very calm and smiley in a sinister way IYKWIM. You're right, I will try and be calm and not shout from now on, maybe give him a taste of his own medicine - that might throw him a bit! I'll see my GP - she already knows the situation. It's still awful being here though and wish things would hurry along.

Your dh being calm and controlling in a creepy way is really a trigger for your shouting isn't it - I know it would be for me.

SS are not going to remove your dc because of what your soon to be ex says about you, they know full well how much mud gets thrown in the middle of a break-up.

But try to do as much walking away, deep breaths and counting to 100 as you can. For your own sake and the kids'.

Hi DD - you are obviously going through a very stressful time and feelings are running high. I am sure that things will calm down when the soon to be ex and you have separated. How old are the children - clearly your autistic son is going to be a handful, but you say your DD kicks you or tells you to go away - how old is she? It does seem as they she is copying her father's behaviour, as she has got used to seeing you in the victim position. Somehow or another you need to gather enough emotional strength to assert yourself as the adult and her as a child, and don't let her use you as a punch bag. Of course their father is going to say it's your fault - everything always has been hasn't it - is global warning your fault too!

I agree that you should see your GP - very high stress levels can be a prelude to a depressive episode and you need to try to avoid that at all costs. If you are already suffering major depressive symptoms you will in all probability be prescribed ADs.

Re social services - I agree that they are not going to rush in and take your children away. They have a duty to offer families who are struggling for whatever reason, support to alleviate the problems. Mind, you might not get much support as all social service depts are horrendously overworked at the moment with high numbers of vacancies all over the country. Do you get help with your autisitic son?

The other thing I wondered - have you and the children's father worked out the arrangements for the children after the split. Usually the children remain with the mother and the father gets frequent contact, or even shared care. If you haven't already done this, you need to, because if you can't agree, the matter will end up in the family courts and that is a long and stressful process where assessments are undertaken, reports written and the judge has to decide who the children should have their permanent home with (by virtue of a Residence Order) and the non-resident parent will get contact defined by the court. I would urge you to try to agree and not go down this tortuous route. It is very bad for the children, because they will be aware that there is a fight going on about their futures and this will only add to the confusion they must already be feeling.

Think you should make an appt with your GP and try to get some help and support for yourself in order to get through this difficult time.

I work in children's services, and i know it's so horrible to have services come and intrude. Making huge assumptions from your post but they might be coming concerned about domestic abuse. Be open, explain your clear plans for ending relationship, it will be fine. It's a really common fear that clients discuss with me that their ex will convince everyone that they are right and perfect and that client is hysterical, unstable, drug user, neglectful etc. You get used to seeing through those kind of lies.
Do you have support with parenting an autistic child? There's usually groups around, check at your gp surgery or surestart. Also parent survival courses can be a great source of peer support and boundary setting strategies.
Your local women's aid will support you if your ex's controlling behaviour gets too much, domestic abuse is not only physical violence. Their number will be in phone book.
Also get good legal advice about contact, finances and parental responsibility. A family law specialist solicitor will help if you haven't had advice already. Rights of women are a great charity with lots of online info and helpline, google that and they come up first.