I think I am falling apart

[lemonandhoney]

My husband walked out eight months ago, out of the blue. He's now living with the OW, leaving me with the three dcs.

Everyone keeps telling me how well I'm coping, how well I'm doing, but I am starting to fall apart. I feel as if I can't breathe properly, and the very smallest thing sends me into a spiral - when I'm out or at work, I can just about control it, but at home I keep crying in front of the dcs, or shouting at them for the very smallest thing, which is obviously horrible for them and really unfair.

My short term memory is awful, I keep forgetting who I have had conversations with. I can't concentrate on anything at work. I've become totally fixated on keeping the house tidy, and any mess sends me into a complete state. I've become totally obsessed by finances, and worry about every penny we spend, which objectively I know isn't necessary as we aren't badly off, and I have a fairly well paid job (assuming I hang on to it....)

I think the rage and fury I felt initially has now gone, and what's left is this real sadness, which is causing some of the problems. I can't bring myself to tell anyone how I really feel - my mother is lovely, but this has torn her apart and she can't really help practically. She lives overseas and isn't well herself. My sister has a child who is really sick, and has plenty on her plate. My friends are amazing but when I steel myself to tell them what I really feel I just find myself freezing up and saying that I am basically fine. I feel so humiliated by what has happened that I don't want anyone to pity me any more than they already do.

And maybe I am fine. Maybe this is just normal, and it's just part of the healing process. But it's horrible, and I can't stand it. And I am so worried about the impact on the children, who have already had to deal with so much, and now have to live with this unpredictable crazy woman.

What you are going through is pretty normal :(

You might do well to ask MNHQ to get this moved to 'Relationships' you will get a lot of advice & support there :)

Basically, you used adrenalin & shock to get you through this far, now that's wearing off you are having to deal with the reality of the situation. It's shit, but pretty normal x

I had the same symptoms as you. I struggled on until I couldn't anymore and went to bed. You need to go to the doctor as soon as possible as you sound like you have depression. I was diagnosed with depression and take anti depressants and have had Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. I feel so much better. My son said to me last week "Do you remember when the canal was frozen?" At the park. I didn't and I was there. I was so ill with depression I can't remember, can't remember much of that time. I actually had blanks where I couldn't remember doing something even though I had. Also the obsessive worrying about anything - CBT sorted that out. I also was exhausted but couldn't sleep, couldn't stop crying or angry raging. The fear of people knowing you are not coping is the depression. You are where I was a year and a half ago. Now I look forward to talking to friends. I garden and have redecorated. All things I thought were impossible. You have a chemical imbalance in your brain which is making you ill. The obsessions are your fear of losing control. The fact that you have identified that you don't feel like your usual self is a brilliant. Be honest with the doctor. You have nothing to be ashamed of, you are ill and need some medicine. A diabetic wouldn't question needing medical help. Be brave, If I can do it so can you.

I dont think what you are going through is normal, the anger got you through the begining and its normal to feel sad but i think its a bit more than that now, when its affecting your work and home life then its time to seek help from your GP, i agree with what spanky2 is saying.

Thanks. I think I do know this isn't right. I just can't see myself sitting down in the GP's office and telling him all of this. If I can't tell people who I love, what hope is there of telling him? I can't bear the idea of not coping, coping is what I do, and if I'm not coping then I'm not doing anything very well.

Feel marginally better after sobbing hysterically for the last hour (though somewhat disturbed by the fact I've just seen a sodding mouse in the sodding kitchen). Am going to try a bath and an early night.

Lemonandhoney - I took think you are suffering from depression and anxiety. It's not really possible to distinguish one from the other. It is a horrible illness (I speak from experience) and it is in all probability reactive depression after your marriage breaking down. I am not a medic but havce had 2 major episodes of depression, still struggling to recover from one last Easter (3 months in psych ward) but I left it too late to get to the GP and I think this is why my recovery is taking so long.

You really must see a GP (a sympathetic one if possible) If you fear not being able to talk, then write your symptoms down (in bullet points - easier to read) and if you burst into tears, so much the better. That's what I did when I finally got the GP but she was lovely. Most GPs have a sort of questionnaire about the major symptoms of depression and ask you about them, like feeling sad, unable to concentrate, unable to sleep/eat, suicidal thoughts etc and more that I can't remember. The important thing is that you must remember that you will not be telling the GP he/she hasn't heard a hundred times before - depression and anxiety are the common cold of psychiatry. I was told that by my consultant psychiatrist. One if four people will suffer from depression at some point in their lives, and many GP consultations are about mental health issues.

The feeling of not being able to breathe properly is most definitely a symptom of anxiety (which is the medical name for fear) and in your circumstances it is small wonder that you are going downhill after what has happened and it's also classic that this illness hits around 6 months after the trauma.

You must also try to tell your friends (or one or two who you really can confide in) as this will help you and it will signal to them that you need support. I know what it feels like to be a coper and then not be able to cope anymore, but you know there is an old saying "when copers fall, they crash" - you need to see a GP who will probably prescribe medication and don't be afraid to take it, it will help to life the awfulness of the symptoms, although anti-depressants act differently on different people so sometimes you have to try a couple to find the right one for you. Also they take 2 -4 weeks to kick in and during that time you can feel worse.

You also need to cut yourself from slack and get the GP to sign you off for a couple of weeks with stress. You sound like you have a high powered job which you may not be able to do if this illness gets much worse, so don't delay any more.

SO please make an appt for your sake and the sake of your children.

Sending warm wishes and you must hold on to the fact that there will be brighter times ahead. You have an awful lot on your plate, but with the right sort of help and support you will come through.