:-(( part of my essential support system is going. Worried!

[ByThePowerOfGreyskull]

Just had chats with my lovely sister, she has been so supportive over the last couple of years with my mental health issues, she lives 20 minutes down the road. We have only recently got to know each other having not really grown up together the last 7 years have been so great. I feel she is one of my best friends.

She has been offered a "can't say no to it" job in Los Angeles. She has to be out there by July I am sat here in tears. What am I going to do without her? She is leaving me here with my F87ing mother.

of course part of me is delighted for her, it is a great opportunity.
help me work out how I can plan for this to not be the disaster that I have in my head.

It's an opportunity for you to spread yourself more thinly across other people (that doesn't sound quite how I thought it might!) - explore new sources of support, revive old friendships and cultivate additional ones. It could be a great turning point for you, much as you will inevitably miss her and feel sad it is a chance to enrich your life too, in ways you might never feel the need to while those needs are met by your sister.

I understand what you mean!
the thing is that one of the reasons for my MH issues is our narc mother. Everyone else seems to think that she could win mother of the year competitions but her children could clearly tell you different. Friends can be brillliant but my sister knows that when I say mum came in and looked round the house just what that entails and how it feels to be scrutinised in that way if you know what I mean.
Also it means that each time my mother needs anything it is going to fall on me to do it. so any chance of escaping the chinese water torture seems to have diminished.

Oh greyskull - feeling so sorry for your loss, and you will need to give yourself time to grieve and not try to just push the feelings that you have away. It's ok to cry if you feel sad - it's normal. I think it's worse for the one who is left, rather than the one who is leaving, as they are going to something new. I wouldn't think this was a permanent thing is it and you can keep in touch on Skype for free. I know it's not the same but it is important thaty you keep in touch. If your mother is so awful, can I ask why she is still in your life, as it sounds like she brings you nothing but grief.

Thanks NN.
the reason she is still in my life?? good question! but that is a whole other therapy session!
I have just been talking to dh and I think we are going to have to budget for a couple of flights to LA each year (with or without DH & kids).
She is going to HAVE to get with the whole skype thing, she has such a gorgeous relationship with the boys but I know that as they are 5 and 7 they have a firm foundation to build on.
Going to have to stop sulking and get happy for her but for tonight I am going to sulk like a child

NN I have been sat here thinking about what you have said ad you are right it feels like I am grieving, I do feel like I have lost her.
And I know it is silly and I will be happy for her but I don't think I can do it today.
For today I am going to allow myself to be sad, and self indulgent.

Still feeling so sad this morning, I cried myself to sleep last night.
All the things we love doing together, how much the boys love her and love going to stay with her and having sleepovers.
Argh!

Oh greyskull - you are bereaved - people think bereavement is about death but it is about any loss and it's a journey you have to go through - all sorts of emotions will arise, sadness (like now) you might even feel angry with her for going (and that's ok) you can take 2 steps forward and one step back in this journey - the emotions don't come in a straight line. It isn't silly to feel what you feel. As humans if we are capable of loving someone and feeling a deep connection with them, then we are going to feel sad and bereft when they go away - and need to give ourselves time to grieve. I think the emotions wil come over you in waves......you will be doing something and a memory of one of the things you loved doing together, and the tears will come and your throat will feel tight - let them come and say out loud (if you're alone) I miss YOU I miss you or whatever comes into your head.

So glad you are thinking of flights - it will give you something to lok forward to. Over time the waves will still come, but there will longer in between and you won't feel quite so raw.

My best and dearest friend died 15 years ago and I went through an awful time. I still think of her several times a week and even now a red hot memory will hit me on the back of the neck, but over the years, I have accepted that she is not coming back. I have memories but they are very second best to a living loving relationship.

Be gentle with yourself - don't let anyone tell you you are being silly and don't think that yourself either - listen to your feelings and pay attention to them.

With Love NNx

Thank you NN.
I spoke to a good friend today who said the same thing. She was so kind, I really did think I was being silly.
I also called my sister. I apologised for not being all out delighted for her, and told her that I was conflicted because I can see how awesome this is for her.

I have also been thinking today about other reasons why it is good for her. She has been through a horrid divorce and although she wanted to keep the house, she and her new partner are living with the legacy of her ex husband and for the two of them to start again with their puppies in the USA can only be a good thing.

I am so sorry you lost your dear friend. I know I am lucky that I am able to get to her still and talk to her on the phone.

thanks again
x

Ah Greyskull, you still have me (I was nemofish)

My best friend in the whole world left me for New Zealand nearly 2 years ago, I know how you feel...

Definitely get with the Skype and you will also find yourself rediscovering the delight of getting a letter / parcel From Abroad!

Thanks MP.
feeling a bit more balanced about it this morning.
There are quite a few things from the US that I covet so little parcels from there woul be lovely

It's terrible but my first thought there was 'ooh I wonder if you can get any decent drugs sent over?'
(meaning OTC stuff!)

I had been thinking more of the martha stewart home type stuff, I guess that is a good sign, my sis usually gets strong sleeping tablets otc there but i have never had the balls to try them for fear that they work well and i just want one every night!!

Skype, phonecalls, a flight for yourself whenever you can and equally for her to fly back to you also I hope helps. So glad you built that good relationship, but hear that losing that immediacy and physical nearness willl be harder to adapt to losing.