This vaguely thinking about suicide thing...

[BPisme]

First off, I am not suicidal. Been there, this is not it.

But I keep obsessing about suicide. In an odd way it makes me feel better.

Kind of "if I needed to kill myself in this room I would do x and y" in every room. Not that I want to, just that I could.

If I get a bit down (and, again, I've been depressed, this isn't it, just down) I start to think about it more. Just then I caught myself planning out my note, how I would do it, the best way to make sure finding me wasn't too traumatic (I won't go into details on here for obvious reasons - this isn't a suicide tips group!) and so on. I even got as far as thinking "right, I'll do it after this brew..." in the same way I would put off doing the dishes or something.

I even think up reasons I couldn't/shouldn't do it right now - eg the kids are too young, I need to wait till that flower comes out, right down to I'll do it once I've paid the rent or the kids will be homeless.

I'm pretty sure it is reletavilynormal (as in, not everyone does it, but it's not massively worrying) but why? When you think about it (and god knows I think about every single twinge I ever have!) it's a really odd thing to do.

I think once you've spent any long amount of time being suicidal, it is almost normal to think about suicide fairly frequently.

I am not suicidal, I am not depressed, and have not been for a long time now, but I do think of suicide on a regular basis- as you say just while your washing up or something completely mundane.

I have children now- there's no way I'd ever take that action, hell- I don't even particularly want to any more, but the thought of it are still there.

blast- you're not your.

I am not sure. I have had periods of depression when I have had suicidal thoughts. It became normal to me in some ways and I did not think much of it. One day when feeling particularly low the GP gave me a questionaire to fill in asking the usual questions, do you have thoughts of suicide etc. The dr told me that it doesn't have to be actual thoughts of doing it but just thoughts around it that is significant.
Now I am feeling better I have no day to day thoughts of it. I think it may be significant and could show that you are not 100% better yet.
You say that the thoughts seem obsessive, this can also be a sign of depression surely.
Just think it may be worth mentioning it to a professional.

I've just read you other thread and seen that you are struggling to cope so it sounds like it is a safety valve, an 'if I really can't cope anymore I can kill myself' thing. I had it for a long time after I stopped actively wanting to be dead. It's not terribly worrying in that you are not actively suicidal - but shows that you are far from ok. Hope you get the help you need.

I think about it a lot. I am not suicidal because i am 99.9% sure that i wouldn't ever do it but i have suicidal thoughts.

Not lot of point to my post except to say that you aren't the only one.

Me too - I am struggling to recover from a severe depressive episode last Easter. When I was at my worse the suicidal thoughts were with me almost al the time. I was thinking of drowning and had even thought which canal. I still have really rough patches when I sink down again and then the suicidal thoughts come back, but this time via overdose. I happen to know that the AD I am on can be fatal in overdose. At bad times I "write" letters in my head to my loved ones, asking them not to blame me etc. I've even regretted that I have a loving family and lovely grandchildren and good loyal friends, because then I could just overdose and no one would get hurt. The thoughts stop when I am feeling better but always return when I am back in the pit of despair.

I too felt it was almost a comfort to know that if things got too much to bear then I could drown myself. I was admitted to a psych ward and asked if I had made a plan and told them the truth that I thought of drowning. I was a voluntary patient and never wanted to leave the ward on my own so that was ok - as my DP, other close family and friends always accompanied me when I left the ward.

These days when I am feeling low I just wish for a nice quick heart attack or something similar so that I could not be blamed.

A very wise friend told me that if you committ suicide you just pass on the pain to your loved ones, and that stopped me in my tracks.

I don't think I would actually have ever gone through with it, but it is a major symptom of depression and is always taken seriously because it does sometimes happen. When you just have the thoughts it is called suicide ideation, but is still taken seriously. It isn't that we want to die, we want an end to the paid, to not "be here" anymore - well that's how it was for me.