Not sure if this is in the right place: Confidence?

[DontCallMePeanut]

As the title says, I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right place. So, sorry if I'm not.

For as long as I can remember, I've had low self esteem. But it feels as if it's getting progressively worse.

I don't feel like I have anyone IRL to talk to about this, as they probably all think I'm being stupid. But the past two years, it's struck me how bad my esteem's got.

I started on a degree last year. My dream degree, I'd say. Yet somehow, my confidence has reached a point where I'm convinced that, if I do turn up, they're all bitching about me. I hate talking up in seminars, as I'm convinced everyone hate's the sound of my voice. I struggle with the coursework, as I miss seminars to avoid these feelings, then just end up feeling even more stupid.

It's not just college stuff, though. I no longer own a full length mirror. The sole reason for this is because I'm that convinced I'm a) ugly and b) fat. I'm 5 ft 5, and 12 stone (I know it's not huge, but I feel it). And even more annoyingly, pear shaped. To me, my thighs are huge. My backside is huge. My waist is horrible. My boobs are too droopy. My nose is too big (something my ex used to give me grief over on a regular basis) My lips look hideous. My eyes are too small... I can't find ANYTHING I like about myself.

How do you find confidence, when all you've ever known is how to hate yourself?

This is not about confidence - it is about self-acceptance. i think you need ot get some counselling to find out what is at the root of all this and help you to accept yourself the way you are.

What if that doesn't work? Are some people just doomed to a life of hating themselves?

I know the majority of the roots, but going into here would sound... I don't know. Whiny, I think.

Glad to hear your ex is an ex - who needs someone like that around - we'd all be short of confidence if we had that to deal with.

You are intelligent and that is a bloody good start. I am fat 5 ft 5 and 17 stone but stil quite happy with life really.

Look critically at other people who have equal (in your opinion) physical faults - there are plenty about, and see that they are not percieved to be ugly/ fat/ small-eyed above all else. That is not the bit you notice first. So don't get bogged down by your looks or how your voice is. I talk too fast and have a really deep voice but people still seem to listen.

You have to learn to like yourself and accept yourself as you are. Even the very beautiful and popular have bits they want to correct,a nd so there is no point wanting better looks. You always will, until you learn that you are ok. And you are ok.

I wish you lived next door then I could pop round and have a chat. You sound like a nice person. Much nicer than lots of people who talk alot but have nothing to say and just prattle on about nothing.

Hope I am making sense.

I had post-natal depression but didn't know it - I just knew that everyone I knew was really horrible and unkind to me and I used to cry everyday for long periods. Then it dawned on me that not everyone, even people who didn't know each other , could be being horrible to me all at the same time. theonly common link was me. And once I realised that I could slowly begin to crawl out of it. I still felt the same, but at least I knew that it was not everyone else being horrible, even if it did sound that way to me.

Hope you can find yourself and begine to believe what everyone else does - that you are ok looking and have interesting things to say.

I would say that you have to be kind to yourself ,as if you were someone else. Would you really think so badly of this person if it was not you. No you would try to be kiind and help them, so you have to try and bekind and forgiving and understanding to yourself. Just plan one brave act every day that will start to show you that you do count. Talk to someone at the bus-stop or be kind to an OAP. They will value you, and enjoy your kind words. I think it is time to look out, not in. Easier said than done, I know.

And I won't call you Peanut, either!

That's the thhing though. I struggle to find anyone with equal physical faults.

My mother was/is in someways as bad as my ex. She came over in March, during which time I got criticised on my hair (too long for her liking, and she didn't like the colour I dyed it) and my voice (the dyspraxia means sometimes I don't pronounce things properly), for which she commented, very loudly and drunkly "You don't talk properly." (My best friend, and several others, upon hearing this story, claim they don't have any problems understanding me)

My ex was abusive, all round. My trichotillomania lead to him believing an aversion therapy of a slap would be needed. He actually once said to me "I'll stop hitting you when you stop pulling your hair out". My nose was too big, I walked funny. No one else would put up with me, apparently.

I try to do something kind each day. I encourage the same from DS, who will talk to anyone. But when I start talking to someone, I think "FFS, who's going to want to listen to me." I literally can't help it.

Whodunnit, you sound genuinely lovely. Thank you for your kind words. :)

Blimey, Peanut - you live in a strange place where nobody has equal physical faults. Maybe you just refocus on their more appealing bits and don't notice the bits you would in yourself.

If I were to send you a photo of me, you would feel gorgeous, which I am sure you are.

You sound like you are doing a good job with your DS and giving him the love and generosity of spirit which it sounds like you didn't get a lot of yourself. That takes a lot of confidence and outward focus.

I recently saw a photo in mag of a load of ordinary people - all just with hair in pony tails and jogging type clothes. Just anormal bunch of ladies - some a bit goofy - some with bignoses or long chins. But no big deal. nthe next page was a similar photo of a load of beauty queens - all glam with nice hair and good looking. And then the shock - they were the same people who had been made up and dressed glamorously. You had to look closely to see it, but with a bit owork they had scrubbed up very well.

I'm not saying we shoudl all go for make-overs and fancy ball gowns, but it did distract from the original features of goofy teeth etc. I now look quite closely at posh folk and often see that underneath the grooming is a bit of a funny face feature. Isn't that why posh spice won't smile cos she thinks she has a funny face. result is that she looks right miserable and moody.

I'm rambling now, but basically saying that even apparently gorgeous people have issues but they refocus our attention on other bits so we don't notice. And it works. So that's what we uglybuglies have to do. And we can on a good day. It is just hard when we are having an off-day or ten.

My mate has hardly any hair and very bad skin, but I don't see that when I look at her. She is just a good laugh and kind and interested in other people. And that is what I see.

You have lots to talk about and your experiences are as good as anyone's. You are bringing up a child and managing to get into university. that is bloody marvellous and you are doing great just enrolling. It all sounds a bit too hard to me. Keep on doing it - prove to yourself that you can and it willbecome part of the cure. If you are worried about tutorials,just attend occasional ones, but be sure to do lots of reading up so that you know you have lots to say.

I take my hat off to you for getting this far. Keep on going through the bad bit and it WILL get better.

And your spelling has got to be better than mine!

I was in a road accident when I a teenager and I've got scars on my face. I used to feel very down about it.

I had similar fears at University - I remember a lecturer suddenly picking me out to answer a question, which I got right, then this howl of derision came up from most of the other students because I got it right (and not wrong as they expected). I was very self-conscious about my face, I used to sit right at the back of lectures.

But, I bumped into someone who had been at my old school but had I not seen for several years. She had a port-wine birthmark that covered 1/3 of her face. She was with her boyfriend, and they were just putting their crash helmets to get on a motorbike...they both looked so happy. I've not seen her since but my memory of her is her happiness and I remember feeling really pleased for her.

It was a light-bulb moment for me, you have to accept what you have and move on. Self-acceptance as Madmouse says.

If people are horrible to you, that's their problem not yours - fuck-em!

You can teach yourself self confidence. I did it. I went through about the last 4 years of school with literally no friends, and then the same at university due to an abusive ex. I thought that I was an unlikeable person.

I think that you do need to find that something inside of you, no matter how smal it is at the moment, that says that things can be better and that you can be the person you want to be. I think you already have this inside of you because you have opted to go to university. Why would you be bothering if it was not for a part of you that does believe that you are worth the hard work and investment.

To learn confidence you have to start by faking it. Even if you still think that people won't like you, you have to act as if they will. So smile, make eye contact, force yourself to join in conversations as if they are just waiting to hear from you- ie in a strong voice, not apologetically. Be kind to people and ask them about themselves. If there is someone else in your group who is quieter, be the one to include them. If you can convince yourself that you are more confident than at least one person, it is not so daunting for your confidence to grow.

The strange thing is, that if you act more confidently, people will respond to you as a confident person and you will start to believe it yourself.

Remember that you will not get on with everyone, and allow yourself to make a decision not to be friends with some people if you don't actually like them. Don't worry about making good friends too quickly. You have at least one good one already, so all you need to aim for at the moment is being able to go for lunch with your fellow students, or to stop and chat with them after class. Don't worry if none of them turn into lifelong friends. You will meet other people who will.

You may be able to do this from your own reserves of strength if you can find the determination, but you have been through a lot with the bullying from your ex and the continued bullying from your mother. You may benefit from some sort of CBT or trauma counselling to give you a head start on reprogramming your thought processes

Good luck! You can do it.

excellent advice, thistledew, I completely agree with all of it.

Thank you everyone.

I've started a diet and exercise routine in the hope that shifting some post baby weight may help boost my confidence, however slightly.

I try the faking confidence thing, but I seem to get knocked so easily. If I so much as think someone is looking at me funny in a seminar, I clam up. I managed to make a couple of acquaintances during the year, but outside of that group of people, I'm screwed. Maybe that's something that could change alongside CBT or something.

Thank you again, everyone :)

How is it going, Peanut?

Well, I've lost a couple of pounds already, but trying to curb on the way I see myself.

Got an induction at the gym later today. Was supposed to be Monday, but was late getting into the city. Although, the fact they're group inductions terrifies me. When I looked in earlier, I felt kinda fat compared to everyone else.

I think one of my exes has picked up on my confidence dropping again. We've always remained close friends, but he's been paying me quite a few compliments. Doesn't feel like it's helping though.

Try not to get too hung up on attatching your confidence to the way you feel about your appearance. Society puts so much pressure on women to conform to an unachievable ideal that even the most confident woman would find something to be anxious about. Also, it gives you a good excuse for not working on your confidence "oh, I have put on a pound, I should not feel confident about myself until I have lost it again".

You may find it better for your confidence if you join a dance or martial arts class, which you will encourage you to have confidence in what your body can do for you, not what it looks like. Any weight loss or increase in tone will be incidental to the new skills you learn, not just a goal in itself, which becomes another stick to beat yourself with.