Just so fed up of depression holding me back

[terrier141]

I have suffered with depression for what seems like all of my life - have been on and off meds since age 18 (now 35).
I finally realised just over a year ago that i will need to be on meds for life - i have now accepted this.
Last year i went into complete meltdown - suicidal thoughts, threw my dh out (he's back now bless him - and now very supportive) - packed in work etc etc.
Im in a much better place in my head now - working 15hrs a week and my marriage is feeling secure.
BUT - i am soooo bloody tired all the time - i struggle to get up - and my daily routine just fills me with dread each morning.
WHY - i have a job i enjoy, everything is going well - so why do i feel so useless all the time??
I am an educated person - i have a degree (dropped out of a 2nd degree half way through as i had a breakdown) - i know i am capable of having a professional career and should be working full time - god knows we need the money!
I just dont have the strength to get through the day as it is - i feel so frustrated with myself for not being able to do what i SHOULD be able to do!!
Currently on 40mg Citalapram - but have a gp appt soon and am asking him to review this - see if that helps.
Thanks for reading x

Nothing to add apart from could have been my post, have seriously put relationship to test though not ever separated. Am also contemplating upping ssris to max. Sick of talking therapies, just want to shut up and move on !
Nothing constructive to say really apart from there's a lot of us about and hope gp review helps xx

thank you - it helps to know that there is someone else like me out there!

Really hope gp helps, maybe a complete change of meds. I normally take good ol' prozac but have had episode where needed something that raised 2 types of brain chemical instead of just seratonin, was bloody brilliant but a fag to stop. I found just changing back to normal ssri when stable worked.
I so get how you are feeling, just to wake up with energy and motivation must be fab, don't even get caffeine rush... lol

onwards and upwards, do post how it goes with review xx

have you had your thyroid tested ?

Maybe have a look at your diet re: iron levels and vitamins too.

I had a breakdown at the end of last year, not able to work, and I am looking at you in envy, with your part time job, degree, and actually getting up in the mornings!

There is no 'should,' it's not that you 'should' be working full time, you are pushing / pressurising yourself. Stop it! Sounds like you are doing great, and in time you may well go back f/t - but for heavens sake don't stress yourself out with 'shoulds' or you'll end up going backwards instead of forwards.

Me too, op. I feel as if I am broken and can't be fixed. I recently started taking Lexapro and it was starting to work, I realised I had never had any idea what it was like to be normal, or how hard it had become to take pleasure in anything. I was really excited because finally I'd found a drug that worked, but it made my hair come out in handfuls, so I had to stop taking it and now it's a struggle to get from one end of the day to the other. Just started trying another drug but am not holding out much hope as nothing else has ever had any noticeable effect.

Thanks everyone. Will let you know what the gp says re: meds. I have had loads of blood tests - so dont think theres anything like thyroid problems. I have started to look at my diet as i know i could probably help myself a lot there. I exercise (in the form of walking my dogs) every day - but cant face anything more strenuous.
I know i have made a massive improvement since this time last year - just wondering if i will ever lead a "normal" life??
I really NEED to be working full time - financially we are on our arse! Feel like im not contributing what i should be :(

Had my gp appt and he has changed me from 40mg Citalopram to 20mg Prozac - which i have to increase to 40mg after 2 weeks and the 60mg after 6 weeks - aslong as i get on with it. Have another review in 4 weeks .
He asked me how long have i felt so exhausted - i replied "since i was 18" - im 35 now :(

Am back at my lowest point - havent been here in over a year :(
Crying constantly, panic attacks, feeling suicidal and fucking useless.
Have just phoned in work sick and tried to get a gp appt before i get even more irrational - they are phoning me back apparently :(
Never thought i'd see this horrible place again - its worse than i remembered.
Probably all due to the gp changing my meds - i only wanted to stop feeling so tired and useless - now i am worse than ever :(

Oh terrier, so sorry to hear that. I have a feeling that you can feel worse before feeling better but obviously important to get medical advice as soon as poss.

Big hugs