Mums who leave..I'm AM considering it..

[Rubybells]

Please don't judge me. I am not a horrible person.

I have had depression for past 20 years. I take antidepressents, hasn't helped. I take 40mg of Prozac. However I cannot get out of this.

I have irrational thoughts, I am short with my son -hes 6. I love him so so much. Me and my ex seperarted 4 years ago. I hate him for leaving. He didn't love me anymore. We talk and share care for our son. He is a great, loving dad to our son though.

I really think its best if i leave, go away. Be by myself , I am very down but act like im not. I am upbeat once every month..then a dramatic drop.

My son will be better off with his loving father, of course i care about his feelings, and i love him ever so much and always will. But i am in no fit state to be a mum, i feel sorry that he has me sometimes. I should be happy hes around but sometimes i want him to go to bed, or not to be near me, I should enjoy being with him. But its just too much of a struggle. Everything i do is hard work. Im sick of it. Im fed up with feeling sad, trapped, alone. I hate me. Im aware of it and it just eats me up and i feel sick to my stomach. Then thoughts like leaving makes me feel this is the only solution. I can see some light and letting go of this darkness in side.

Ive many seen counsellers too and Dr but nothing. Nothing, can help unless i leave. I will be on my own, and i think that is the best for everyone. I can let go. At least i know my son will be happy and loved. And i will write a letter to say how much i love him and always will. But mummys going on a long holiday to get better.

thanks for reading, and for your views...
x

So sorry you feel like this.

FWIW I am sometimes short with my son who is 5, and want him to go to bed. I think that is pretty normal, don't beat yourself up over it.

Don't just leave and leave a letter.

Have you seen GP recently?

I think you should go back to your GP to reassess your medicine and just to chat. It sounds like you need some more support. You are his only mummy and I'm sure he loves you lots......

Hi there Ruby

FWIW, I think most parents will have the feelings where they wish the DCs would just go to bed and give us some peace, they are bloody hard work at times.
But, you do sound very down and lost, are you in contact with day-to-day support with your local Mental Health Team at all? Maybe the combination of your meds isn't helping?

Can you contact them and arrange for some respite for you? There are some voluntary units about where you are are free to come and go during the day time, but have 24 hr staff on hand for those particularly low times.

And please keep talking to us you sound like a lovely person, you care so much about your sons welfare.

do you need to leave? can you ask your ex to take on more of the childcare, as you are finding things difficult? perhaps he could live with his father but still see you frequently? i think that there are probably solutions which don't involve you disappearing from your son's life. and i do think you should go back to see your gp, to see if there is more that can be done to help you to cope.

good luck.

hRubybells - I do know just how you feel - over the past year while I have been struggling to recover from a severe episode of depression I have said exactly the same things as you (although my kids are all grown up) thank good.

I can't imagine have depression for 20 years - are you absolutely sure that you have tried different ADs and been assessed by a consultant psychiatrist, because I don't think GPs know much about mental health.

What you are saying is the depression talking - not you. We think our loved ones would be better off without us, but as a wise friend said to me when I was howling down the phone saying "I don't want to be here anymore" that if we do commit suicide we pass on our pain to our loved ones. I know we think we are doing it for them so they are no longer burdened with us but I certainly believe that we pass on our pain to them, especially your little boy.

Sorry I have just re-read your post and think you are talking about moving away to live by yourself - I have thought this too but you will take the pain with you and you will leave your little boy without his mom. He might even think it is his fault that you have gone. Children often think like this. Has your depression got worse since the break up of your marriage. Sorry I was talking about suicide - but I know that when we are depressed this thought does crop up.

Have you any RL friends who can help/support you. Is it being alone so much that is making it worse. Depression gets worse with isolation doesn't it - says me who has spent days under the duvet.

Please post again and there willl be a lot of support for you on this thread

Sending good wishes ....

stripey is right - there are other options that do not involve you leaving. The fact that you can only consider leaving means that you need more help. Who is helping you? Do you have a CMH Team?

I was reading this and felt myself in your words a little. But you say you should be happy and be happy around him... it's fine not to be happy about everything! If we don't like something yet still do it, it just shows us how strong we are and you being with your Son for so long just proves that :) You've not avoided what you don't enjoy and deserve something for yourself... You talk of being sad, trapped and alone, maybe you aren't doing enough of the things you enjoy? And you are perhaps just doing things to pass the days with your child. Maybe seeing your doctor and talking about cognitive behavioural therapy if you've not already seen someone for that.