I really don't think counselling is helping

[Rowan49]

I decided to see a counsellor a few weeks ago for a number of different reasons. However, at £40 a time, I'd have expected to be feeling different by now - not necessarily better, but different. I'm not, though, and to be honest, while I don't mind spending money if I'm going to get better, it's an awful lot of money to just throw away!

Has anyone else experienced similar?

How long have you been going? It can take, literally, years to get to the core issues that are bothering you that therapy can help with.

Perhaps something like CBT would be better for you as it gives you direct coping mechanism?

Disclaimer: I have actually had no success with CBT myself, but know many who have!!

Yes, I went to see one after a traumatic event. Work organised it. I quite liked talking about things for an hour but we mostly talked about my then boyfriend! Never really discussed what had happened to me! Although she seemed a nice woman we just didn't really 'click' so it seemed pointless. I felt like I was answering questions how she would like me to. Not being honest.

However, a couple of years ago, I had a lady from rasac who used to be a support worker for me (i wasnt allowed counselling until after the trial) and she was terrific. She used to be a counsellor and we were on the same wavelength. She built up my confidence and just helped so much with me recovering.

I think may be your counsellor isn't suited to you?

Possibly! She is very nice but I think ... oh, I don't know - that perhaps she hasn't quite grasped "me"? It's really hard to explain.

The main reason(s) to be honest I wanted to go to counselling is because I'm still dealing with issues from my mum's death over a decade ago. At the time I think I found it hard to be around people then being on my own sort of became a habit. I also became a sort of 'surrogate wife' for my dad and still am and I think partly because of this I have never been in a relationship.

We have done a technique where I tap different parts of my body to "let out" the feelings of being ugly/fat which doesn't help at all but I feel she expects it to help! I don't know!

I had a go at counselling years ago as a friend was always going on about how great it is and I had some things I thought it would be useful to talk about.

It was hopeless, frankly, the woman was baffling and possibly a little nuts herself. She decided that some things from school were a problem (they weren't to my mind, but I think she had no idea how to approach the things which obviously might cause issues!) and kept going on about them and after a few sessions I stopped.

I have since come to the conclusion that some counsellors are good and sone are shit and on top of that you have to find one you "click" with IYSWIM.

It may be that this counsellor is no good / not suited to you. Mine tried to get me to do stuff as well that was just . Yours is into tapping? That would get a from me too!!!

That sounds like my first experience - she tried different exercises to get me to think differently and I felt like I had to pretend they were helping but really I thought after 25 years of thinking a certain way, her 4 circles on a piece of paper weren't going to cut it.

God I've just remembered something! I had a male counsellor ring me to assess me and he asked me if I'd been wearing a short skirt after being attacked. As if that would explain it all!

And he said that my self esteem issues were down to me being adopted at 6 months so missing the important months. I was adopted at 6 weeks - it was made official at 6 months.

Moron.

Gosh, how awful!

I think mine is a bit like that - she's nice but like you say, after 30 years of thinking I am X Y and Z tapping various parts of my body doesn't make much difference. I wish it was that simple.

I wonder if I'm too complicated to be honest. I think I'm a real perfectionist - I have VERY high standards for myself (not at all from others) so for instance although I'm not really fat (marginally o/weight) but because in my eyes I have to be PERFECT, I am fat. I know logically I'm not but to me I am. I suppose I have issues about letting people get close to me as well but mainly because they never have so I don't know how? Added to which, I have a brother who has aspergers and in a way I am his main carer but I don't think she understands the pressure I am under with him. I think she thinks if I was more assertive about saying no he'd cope but he wouldn't - he'd be dead! :(

It does sound as though you need a different kind of therapy. I've never found counselling very helpful either and I've seen 4 I think now. Looking at psychotherapy or cbt type things now. I think I need to find someone who will get me to talk about the uncomfortable things since I'm either too good at hiding them, or I can't even think what the issue is myself since the feelings only come up at times and barely cross my mind or sound ludicrous at others.

I think the whole issue of counselling, psycotherapy etc is a bit of a minefield. It does depend on their orientation. When I had feelings of depression and anxiety building up in Dec 2010 (following coming off meds that I had been on for 14 years with no problems) I went to see a psycho-dynamic counsellor and she was always making interpretations that did not fit. She was trying to unearth some buried trauma from my past that just wasn't there. If I challenged her, she got quite defensive and told me she was very "high up" in the counselling world! Anyway after 3 months with my symptons worsening and her completely dismissing the medical model (and ADs) to the point where she said if I went on ADs she would not see me anymore. I was at the point of telling her I didn't want to see her anymore anyway, so that was that. A couple of weeks after seeing her I took a nose dive and ended up on a psych ward with with severe depression.

I am still not fully recovered a year on and still get setbacks from time to time. I have tried another counsellor and she was all right but kept writing notes all the time which put me off. One time I spent the whole time crying and she charged £55 per hour, so I stoped going. I have had the most help from my CPN and her explaining the basics of CBT (which seems all logical when I'm ok) but not so when I am having a run of bad days.

I think asd someone else said, therapy takes a long time and I know people who have been going to a therapist weekly for 3 years. It is as well to ask them about what "brand "of therapy they practice. Yes I had one who kept drawing stuff that didn't make any sense to me. To be honest I think the relationship is the main thing, and if you feel safe and comfortable with someone that is the best thing.

I am about to start counselling with an NHS psychologiost, and have had one session, and I liked her, but she told me at the end she was passing me over to her student, which I was not happy about, but I will give it a go - at least it's free.

I think wrong counsellor. Would you be able to try another one?

Hi
Firstly, well done on trying to address your issues, many wouldn't. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

Do you feel any sense of improvement/usefulness about each session afterwards? If not, it could be that she isn't good or good for you...Some therapists will offer a free consultation, so maybe ?shop around?.

I have had a few counsellors over the years. My first helped me understand my distant dad and the issues that presented for me, which wasn't at all clear to me until I went to see her. I felt I gained an understanding of myself, but I wouldn't say I felt that different.

Then one last year helped me look at fear/procrastination and again I developed a sense of understanding and I did feel better after it. I saw her for about 8 sessions I guess.

The ones I didn't get on with were hypnotherapists, basically I didn?t believe it would work and funnily enough it didn?t ? I ended up at the 2nd as I was looking for NLP and I agreed to try it again. Plus also (and this is very judgy of me) the one who was a weight specialist (overeating/emotional eating is big issue for me) was rather large and looked uncomfortable with it. Maybe I?d spent too long with ?inspirational? thin Weight Watchers leaders!

I visited my latest this week and we also talked about perfectionism. A label I?d previously not identified with as I am overweight ? surely a perfectionist would have managed to get it under control ? but she suggested that perfectionism is about trying to be perfect. Something clicked for me, although I want to work with her on what to do about it!! I was just reading this www.support4change.com/change/goals/perfection-intro.html might be of interest to you.

I think I?d trust your instinct. I am not sure counselling delivers instant help, but if your instinct is questioning this, I?d try somebody else.
Good luck.

I agree with Nana. It is so important to have a good relationship.

Counselling works if the counsellor is a good fit for you. The relationship dynamic between the client and the counsellor is so important. You will just "know" if the counsellor is right for you or not, from the first few sessions. Trust your gut feeling. If you feel the counsellor isn't the right one, find another one.

Sorry I also meant to say. I always feel awkward about the ending of counselling, so I generally start again with somebody new each time!

I am just aware that it is a business for them, so I generally push to end it when it feels like we have come to a good point to stop. I have always found it exhausting, so have never wanted to carry on week in and week out for long periods.

NanaNina - sorry to hear of your experiences. Well done for coming through them. Fingers crossed the latest person will help. A student might be really keen...

Thanks for the link! I don't think it applies to me - maybe I'm not a perfectionist. Who knows who or what I am :(

We haven't, no. I don't know if it's even possible. I sometimes worry I'm beyond help, that I'm so deeply ingrained into the way I think, nothing can change it. :(

I stopped and started councelling many times throughout my 20's. Without fail, I always felt worse for the first few months until we got into it and only then did I start feeling better. It may be worth sticking with it for a little longer.

Thank you :) That's partly the problem, as I don't feel ANY different! I was expecting to feel worse for a while but everything is just exactly the same (ie shit!)

I know these are old links but I feel so sad when I read these types of mails.

Counselling is a bit of a mine field but the best information I can offer is that the most important thing is the 'relationship' between the therapist and the person seeking help.

Like anything in life, you have to shop around, find out if the therapist offers a free meeting, so you can see how you feel about them or their counselling space. Also the way the work; I agree, different methods do not fit everybody.

CBT is very goal focussed - therefore you would agree a goal and work towards that is it a very structured therapy and you would have a long assessment. You also may get homework to do, so not really suitable if you do not like writing or recording things.

Psychodynamic is about the therapist sitting back and you playing out your issue so that the therapist understands, and feedbacks what you do see about yourself and also what you don't, they can then help you to manage this, like you projecting your self on the blank screen

Humanistic - holds the belief around people having the ability with support to find their new paths.

It is true to say, perhaps, that you definitely get worse before you get better. However, that being said if it feels difficult, you need to be brave and feedback your feelings.

A good therapist may invite you in (free of charge) to discuss your feelings should you wish to leave but often the best work can be achieved if a) you trust in your therapist and b) you feel safe in the relationship.

Some of your resolutions can happen for yourself; if you become curious about why you are feeling how you are feeling, what was it that the therapist said or did that made you feel this way?

Is this a feeling you have felt before that you are carrying around?

Does it belong in the today of life? or is it an old painful coat you are having to wear?

If you are seeking a therapist, some things you may want to ask are

• are you are fully qualified practitioner?

• do you do assessments, and how are these reviewed?

• how do you work and how would this work for your particular issue?

• do they offer a free face to face meeting with no strings attached?

The counselling space is there for you to say what you feel and be safe, believe in yourself, find your voices and feed this back.

It takes around 6 sessions to settle sometimes and this comes at the time when things are 'most raw' and perhaps a little uncertain.

If your therapist offers a review, this would give you both an opportunity to talk freely and say how you are both finding working together...

After all if you can not talk freely this negates the purpose of your therapy..

Hope this helps

Nikki

As others have posted there are many different types of therapy. I think in all instances it takes more than a few sessions to see if the type of therapy works for you.
However, the therapist / client relationship is key, trust being the major prerequisite.
I had an aweful experience with my first one, but my second one is fab. As you are paying for it, shop around if the relationship isn’t gelling. Best wishes.