Social Failure - hit a low point tonight

[Rosmarin]

I'm having a depressive episode tonight. Hopefully by morning I will be out of the worst of it, but I felt like I needed to talk about things.

Today I finally realised that I am a complete social failure. I don't understand why I am like this. I can talk and chatter away to people convincingly (and most people seem to think I must have 'some other' friend group, because I appear so functional and healthy) but I find it exhausting and very uncomfortable to socialise. Parties and groups are too much. There are only two people I am comfortable just 'being' with - my Dad and my boyfriend - and with anyone and everyone else I feel like I'm acting the whole time. It wears me out. I have to be interested and sweet and polite and witty and kind, but that's only who I really am around my Dad and my boyfriend - otherwise it's a sham. I am a student and my boyfriend studies abroad so I spend most of my time alone, at home, in my comfort zone. There are many many flaws I could list, like intolerance and grudgy-ness, but I am worried that I will get responses telling me to 'just change them then' - but they seem to be so inherent in me that I don't know how to do it.

And yet, in every other aspect of life I feel very capable. I function very well academically and manage my time, home, money, health and diet very well for having only just started.

I do wonder whether there's something the matter with me, but because I put on such a good pretence, no one has ever detected anything. Or maybe it's the people around me - I feel too old (inside) for my age group.

I'd be grateful for any advice or similar experiences. Did it get better with age? Does it get easier? Can I find peace with the way I am or is it too bad to leave it like this?

I know I'm on mumsnet and I'm not a mum, but I hope that's okay.

I believe some people/personality types do find socialising more tiring than others, and need a chance to 're-charge their batteries' with some time alone (or time with people they feel very close to and comfortable with) after they have spent time socialising. I don't think this makes those people 'social failures' though.

I do think I used to be similar to you when I was younger (now in my 30s married with a family). I also managed to function well in other areas of my life (including holding down a job that involved lots and lots of talking to people - though the talking is done in 'spurts' which suits me - I get time to work alone on the paperwork and re-charge after the 'socialising bit'.

Do you enjoy the socialising despite feeling uncomfortable? From what I remember I did enjoy it on one level, and got a buzz out of socialising I just really felt that need to be alone to re-charge afterwards. I found parties particularly difficult, yet I don't know if other people noticed anything.

I have found it much easier as I've got older - though I don't know how much of that is down to me feeling more comfortable with socially and how much is down to me simply having a less active social life now I have 2 young children!! I have also lived in a small community for a while, got to know a range of people here and I think that all helps.

Do you think you could find peace with how you feel, or do you feel so uncomfortable with how you are that you feel you must change?

I hope that you feel better this morning and that you realise that you fell into the 'I can see it all so clearly now - I'm just a total failure' trap of depression.

It's really not true

When my dh used to say 'I can see it all clearly I am finally realistic' I took cover..

You aren't a complete social failure and i think that you are being very hard on yourself. I hope you do feel better and i think the points on here about having alone time and re-charging your batteries are valid. I love being on my own i really do and i am happy in my own company. I recently had two mates over for dinner and although i love them both dearly i couldn't wait for them to leave how awful is that????? :) having to keep up appearances and be chatty/happy/witty/interesting can be exhausting. Try not to be hard on yourself and remember that there are lots of other people out there who also find socialising difficult. I often make a beeline for the person sitting alone at a party rather than tackling a large group of people.....

I would recommend a book called 'Women who think too much' by Prof Susan Nolan - you will recognise yourself as an overthinker within a few pages