Long term depression and having another child

[Lakefarm]

This is my first post in this topic and I hope what I write doesn't offend anyone. I have been low and anxious since I was a teenager but just thought it was part of my personality and never sought help for it.

When I was pregnant with my DS (now 3) I was in a very dark mood, I hated the pregnancy, openly said to my husband I wished the baby would die, I basically felt I had a parasite living inside me. At the time I put in down to morning sickness but now realise it was more serious than this. When DS was a baby I was very detached from him and on two occasions I left him alone in the flat we lived in and went walked around the city for 20-30 minutes. I did all the practical things for him but could not engage on an emotional basis. I could hardly bring myself to hold him unless I absolutely had to.

Life continued in a similar vein until DS reached 2 when somehow I was coping a bit better with him and certainly felt I could respond to him more. I still struggled though. I always wanted another child, and somehow believed it would be better and I would be more prepared with a second child, and we tried to get pregnant but discovered I had polycystic ovaries.

I had IUI treatment and conceived and this is when I entered a terrible time. I was pleased to be pregnant initially and then almost instantly I was overwhelmed with this terrible anxiety, I couldn't sleep, I kept vomiting, I had these racing thoughts all about how history was going to repeat itself and I would be unable to cope. I could not get out of bed, I was very frightened, I couldn't bring myself to get dressed or brush my hair.

To cut a long story short, I had a termination a month ago when seven weeks pregnant. It forced me to seek help from my GP, who fortunately is excellent, I have started on 50mg sertraline and I am seeing him again soon probably to increase my dose and am also seeing a counseller in a weeks time.

Although I realise there is a long road ahead of me in terms of getting the right treatment, I wanted to know is have any other mums had a similar experience to me or felt as I did and gone on to have more children? Or am I best to accept myself and my limitations and focus on the child I have?

Hi Lakefarm,

I am in a similar situation. I was diagnosed with depression as a teen. I had 2 chidren within a year and very obviously had PND or my depression worsened dramatically, however i was not treated for it.

My DSs are 11 and 12 now and I am settled with my DP after many years of being a single mum, with periods of severe depression. We would all love a baby but I am worried how I will cope, what the effect of it will be on the family whilst preg and with new baby. I will have to come off all my meds before I consider trying to conceive and I dont know how on earth my brain and body will cope without medication.

I am only at the start of my journey to a decision to have a child, and certainly my mental health issues are a major factor.

Its good that you are so aware of the effects of the depression as a major problem with sufferers of depression is that you often cant see it and how its affecting your abilities and judgement.this is one of the reasons why it can go untreated for many people for a long time.

I guess what you should do,and what I will be doing, is keep communicating and be brutally honest with with doctors,partner,etc and get all the support and help you possibly can.

I really think you should ask your GP to refer you to a mental health specialist/consultant, and I am a bit surprised they haven't done so.

Hi nunnyfickname, thanks for your reply. I am sorry to read that you have also suffered from depression and after the births of your children which also went untreated. It is truly crippling isn't it at times especially as you said you were a single parent for a long period. I understand also what you say about the thought of coming off your medication for trying to conceive and pregnancy, it is very difficult.

I found your advice about being brutally honest and getting all the help you can really helpful. I will ask my GP about getting referred to a mental health specialist, I haven't been as fully honest with him as I should have been. It's been so difficult to admit I have a problem that I tend to sit in his office struggling to articulate my dark thoughts, although he seems to be very concerned about my situation and told me to ring him in the meantime if I had any problems.

I hope you can find the right help you need if you do decide to have another child, and once again thanks for replying to me.

Had to reply, tho my circumstances havent been exactly the same. But I too have suffered from anxiety and depression for most of my life, since early teens really. Like you, I just thought it was me, until one day someone said 'You are clinically depressed', and suddenly it made sense and i went on anti-depressants. I have been on them on and off for 15 years now. But being on them has given me periods of normality and so I have 2 children now, altho I went back on ADs not long after having DC1 and then the same again after DC2. I am still on them 3 years on and intend to stay on them. Thats what works for me I realise now.

My advice therefore would be give the ADs a good chance to work, then you are in a better, more logical position to decide what to do next. At the end of the day, there are ADs you can take when pregnant. It can be done, and you did it before - you got thro it with no support by the sounds of it. this time, just be sure to be honest with the doc or HV since you really don't need to be feeling so bad.

Disclaimer!! My GP also offers counselling these days so that is another possible route, tho I was a bit beyond a chat quite frankly. But may work for you.

Good luck.

Hi Quasimojo, it was interesting to read your post. It has taken 16 years of feeling like this to come to a crisis point and admit there is something wrong and it was basically the termination which forced me to do that, so I will make an effort to take some time to let the ADs do their work and then re assess my situation. My doctor did say there were ADs I could take while pregnant but he wanted me to feel as well as possible, whether on medication or not, before contemplating another pregnancy. Thanks for taking the time to reply.

Lakefarm, thanks I am glad I could help, you have helped me by posting about this subject, I no longer feel like i am the only one, which is a help in itself, and reading what you have been through shows me that you can be strong and and also separate the illness from the real you.

Its only recently I have started to be totally honest, with myself, my doc, my partner. Its not easy,and not always pleasant. but its worth it.

I am actually terrified of the thought of being responsible for another human. I get this 'spiral of doom' where I find myself planning my kids funerals or something equally morbid. its normal to have these thoughts some of the time, but as you know, they can take over. I find the physical manifestations of depression and anxiety very disabling.

Quasimojo , your advice is really useful. I did not know there were ADs that you can take when preg, i will look into that.

i agree about needing something other than counselling. it works for some, and can work as part of treatment plan, but its not something that has worked for me, having tried it several times. I am now waiting for CBT through GP.

Like with many long term illnesses there are many ways to treat it and different things work at different times, its important to be open mined and also be prepared for some treatments to take weeks/months/before you can see if they are beneficial.

I think you are really brave to talk about your experiences and concerns and i think your future is really rosy :o

Actually, CBT is the one that DID work for me - short term, non-navel gazing focused therapy that gives you tools and techniques to deal with those morbid thoughts. You can get rid of them. I did. I used to be awful, always obsessing about this disaster or that, but I really don't any more, I have learnt to stop them in thier tracks. If your doc offers CBT go for it!

Tho I do need the ADs too!