I am evil and so bitter I need help

[lostitoday]

I cannot have another dc due to an early menopause which I started at the age of 36.
I had been trying for 3 years and then got the bombshell that I was in premature ovarian failure hence my failure to concieve.
I am now 40 and know its now definately over for me.
I do feel ashamed my myself with what I have become somebody who loathes the sight of a pregnant woman and feels insanely jealous, someobody who goes out of her way to avoid any programmes on telly about babies and giving birth etc.
I can,t stand the extended members of my family having babies and all the fuss thats goes on around it the baby gifts, the cooing over the newborns.
I have recently been on holiday and I saw nothing but baby bumps and felt like screaming at them all to go away.
My dh doesn,t undertand my feelings he will not adopt, or support me through any specialist help I have been for counselling and it did nothing for me know its a waste of time with me anyway.
I am scared now for ds what will a lifetime with no siblings do to him.
I long so much to be pregnant again its such a wonderful thing I will never experience again I feel sick at that thought and cant believe my childbearing days are over like this I am on antidepressents but they have done nothing for my mood.
I know I am lucky to have ds and that has helped a little but still I am so negative and devastated about the whole thing.
Inside I still feel like I did when I had ds aged 30 a young woman that still wants to have more children and I blame myself day in and day out for not trying sooner didn,t realise how devastating it can feel to realsie that your child bearing days are over its the most awful thing.
I don,t feel I can go to my gp I think that they would expect me to be over this by now some days I think I would be better ending it because I feel tortured.
What am I going to do to get out of this.

You poor thing. It's a huge bereavement you're going through, and like any bereavement there's no set time limit to it. If it helps to think of it in terms of mourning, that might help to give yourself permission to feel all these things and not to reproach yourself for feeling them.

We went though years of fertility treatment, during which 10 of my work colleagues had babies. The shops and city centre seemed to magically fill up with pregnant women, babies and small children whenever I was brave enough to go there.

I know how very, very painful it is, but it will get better, and by that I mean not that the feelings will magically disappear, but they will fade to an acceptable level eventually. Sorry, I know that isn't much help

Today I went to the GP and told him about things that are affecting me now that happened 25 years ago. They won't expect you to be 'over it by now' and if they did say such a mind blowingly nobby thing, you should feel justified in getting a second opinion! Please do go and see if they can help you. Medication may not be a magic cure, but it bloody helps! If nothing they should be able to point you in the right direction for some support with what you are going through.

Keep talking on here if it helps you.

My DH is an only child. In fact he was brought up living with his paternal grandparents. He's pretty normal and doesn't pine for a brother or sister.

Yes, I'm also an only child and that's one point I can reassure you on - your DS will be fine. I always think it would have been nice to have had brothers and sisters but I'm not in any way damaged by not having had them.

Otherwise I'm not sure what to say, except maybe you'd find seeing a counsellor who specialises in fertility issues more useful - check out the British Infertility Counselling Assocation at www.bica.net/.

Wish you the best of luck and hope you are able to come to terms with this.

Yes, I'm also an only child and that's one point I can reassure you on - your DS will be fine. I always think it would have been nice to have had brothers and sisters but I'm not in any way damaged by not having had them.

Otherwise I'm not sure what to say, except maybe you'd find seeing a counsellor who specialises in fertility issues more useful - check out the British Infertility Counselling Assocation at www.bica.net/.

Wish you the best of luck and hope you are able to come to terms with this.

@lostittoday I totally know how you feel. I am 23 and have been diagnosed with premature ovarian failure which means that my ovaries are dying and I have a limited time to conceive. I want a baby so bad. I found out a friend of mine was pregnant (on Facebook) and I was so deeply jealous that I burst out crying and I had never reacted that way before.

My desperation for a child is life consuming because it's all I think about and it's all I want with all my heart and soul. I am sick of having everybody's super perfect fertility rubbed in my face on a daily basis. I know I'd be an awesome mother and I am so upset and severely depressed because I can't achieve my one and only goal in life.

I wasn't ready for a baby before but since I found out that my biological clock is ticking it's all I really want. Every waking thought is about how I will become a mother. I'm not even in a stable relationship and I would be happy to go it alone as long as I get my baby.