Will I ever feel like myself again?

[suburbanslob]

I had a bad labour with my son - induced, bad reaction to pain relief, back to back, episiotomy...that was around a month ago. I have had panic attacks since - which I can cope with - as well as definite 'lows'. What I can't cope with though is this feeling that I'm no longer the person I was before. I have this weird feeling that the world and people in it aren't 'real' which is just so, so isolating. There is just no way I can live the rest of my life like this - yet I can't ever see a point when things click back to how they were. It's obviously affecting the relationship I have with loved ones - particularly my husband - which is so heartbreaking for me. I just don't seem to be able to grasp reality anymore as it all seems so improbable - I.e. Us humans living on the earth floating in the middle of the universe. I do have some counselling coming up but whether this will help I just don't know. I guess I just need some reassurance that all is not lost and I can find my way back. I hope this message makes some kind of sense.

Have you been assessed for PND suburbanslob, its a bit early to think you might have PTSD after your awfull experience giving birth but you certainly could be suffering from PND.
All is definitely not lost, hopefully counselling will help you but if not you might need to consider ADs, you will find your way back with the right help.
I know the feeling about not being able to grasp reallity, i felt like that before i saw my GP and went on ADs, things wont suddenly click back to how they were but with the right help, whether it be counselling, CBT or ADs you will get there.

a month is too short to wonder about going back to normal, even after a normal birth. Things haven't even started to settle down yet. You need to give it time, talk about what happened as much as you need to and take up that offer of counselling.

from a personal point of view - I had a similar labour, lasted 3 days, ds ended in NICU and is disabled, and memories of childhood abuse came back during the labour - and I am ok now, still struggling at times with the abuse side of things but I have healed from the labour experience to the extend that I am upset that I need a section next time due to ds's issues as I really want to do it vaginally again. So hang in there.

It sounds like PND to me (not that am in a position to diagnose online!). I too had a horrendous labour that ended up with ventouse with hardly any pain relief then 3rd degree tears and being rushed to theatre only then to be offered the epidural I wanted earlier!

Your body and mind have experienced trauma and stress so be gentle with yourself and don't expect immediate recovery.

The feeling of everything being unreal is a classic depression symptom (depersonalisation) and though it's very scary and makes you feel surreal it will pass in time. Speak to your GP about ways to deal with this - be it through ADs and/or therapy. I've been lucky enough to have CBT and it's really helped as a coping mechanism when things get tough.

Look after yourself and keep us posted. Feel free to PM if it would help x

Just a quick one as I'm on a night time feed!!! Just wanted to say thank you all so much for your replies. I have had a few rants on here now re. my feelings and the responses are so reassuring and have really helped me through. I am going to see how this counselling goes and use AD if things don't start to improve. Thanks again, so much. :)