I am very confused...

[ManicPanic]

Had a breakdown last year, got help, on medication and having counselling for long standing ishoos, psychology input soon.

Past few months I have been recovering really well - I really thought that I had seen the back of my depression and I was just going to go up, not back down, iykwim.

Two things have happened. Put my foot in it with a friend, apologised, and she ripped into me and binned me as a friend I couldn't stop crying for 2 days, devastated. She thought I was being horrible to her, when she understood that I wasn't (grudgingly) she still ripped into me and binned me. What's worse is she knew how vulnerable I was, knew about all the shit from my childhood, but obviously wasn't bothered anyway.

Secondly, I have realised that I am going to go to the police and report 2 people for child abuse (against me).

I am feeling very low and tearful, having suicidal thoughts again, don't know what to do with myself. Dh says I should go back to the doctors and tell them asap (which is tuesday)

I would never kill myself. But that doesn't stop the thoughts / feelings

Am I wasting their time or should I go to the doctors? I don't trust my decision making atm.

Oooh. Welcome to the bit about improved mental health (that I hope your counsellors explained to you), you will feel worse before you feel better.

You have become strong enough to face some really difficult issues in your life and have done so. You have been recovering, but in that recovery relationships need to be re-assessed. Maybe you made a mistake in your friendship. Or maybe you made a mistake with the person you think of as your friend. Or maybe she made a mistake.

If someone hurts me, I challenge them. How they respond speaks volumes. Someone who thinks that I am important (regardless of who they think is to blame) apologises for my hurt feelings. Only those who really don't care don't apologise.

Does your friend know what's going on?

Yes. She knows all the details. I think that's what hurt most.

I think that she has lots of people in her life - she isn't afraid to lose anyone. I think that I thought a lot more of her than she thought of me!

On the other hand she may just have been a bit of a cow - who knows. I am not a very good judge of people tbh, that's what I have dh for!

Desparate and shameless bump.

Need someone to tell me that I am not a complete loon to be going to the police after suffering for 26 years and not a complete timewaster for going back to the doctors for different dose of meds / different meds. Pleeeeeeeeease....

Manic, don't be doubting yourself so much hun. Going to the police was totally the right thing to do, as was going to the GP.
Get these things in context.....they both activities that show that YOU matter and that you are taking care of yourself...and that is a GOOD THING. They are steps that you have taken in valuing yourself. You should give yourself a pat on the back for that.
Going to the police was a big deal psychologically - of course it's going to be reflected in how you feel as it is probably bringing up thoughts and feelings - painful ones - from the past. But that is to be expected. Don't fight it, just remind yourself that you have survived and made it through, so you can make it through now. It's a time to take good care of yourself and give yourself some TLC.
As for your friend - she doesn't sound like any real friend if she can behave like that. Try not to waste any time or emotional energy on worrying about it. You are the most important thing at the moment. x

Just keep on feeling a failure for not 'staying' better. I have tried to 'fix' myself and I know what I need to do (which very much includes reporting the bastards who made my childhood hell) but it takes time and it really does seem to get worse before it gets better. It just gets me down.

Oh manicpanic - you are being very hard on yourself. Recovery from depression is not usually in a straight line (unless you are very lucky) When we have been depressed I think our emotional equilibrium is very fragile and we can become upset about things that we wouldn't have done so before, and even paranoid sometimes.

I am still trying to recover from a major episode of depression last year and I am well a lot of the time, but do get blips, sometimes because of upsetting things happening (like the thing with your friend) and the big dilemma about going to the police. These are things that are going to affect your recovery and you are not a failure for "staying" better. I know that depression makes us feel like failures but it's a deceitful illness and makes us believe things about ourselves that aren't true.

These nasty things have set you back a little - and you will no doubt be back to how you were before given a little time.

I'm not sure if the meds are the cause of your setback - to me it sounds much more like it is due to the recent events, but it will do no harm to go back to see GP. You mention you are having counselling and psychology input soon? Does this mean that you are waiting for counselling or having counselling but also waiting for a pyschologist. I think it would be a good idea to talk to whoever you are seeing about the recent events, especially your decision to go to the police after so many years. I think you are going to need a lot of support as this is a major episode in your life isn't it?

Do you mind my asking what has made you decide to go to the police now. I think you are absolutely right to be doing this but just wondered if there had been a trigger of some sort to make you take this decision.

I'm so so sorry to hear you are tearful and low again and having suicidal thoughts. This happens to me when I have a blip and the bad days can last anything between 4 and 15 days and like you it is all the worse because I thought I was recovering. However from being on this thread I know that many MH sufferers have blips/setbacks and it is so hard to get through those bad times. I'm sure you know that suicidal thoughts are a symptom of depression. I have them a lot but like you, don't think I would ever do anything - it's called suicide ideation and very very common in depression, but is still to be taken seriously, so I think you should see you GP.

Sending you warm wishes and hope that you will be feeling a bit better soon. But don't make the mistake of thinking you have gone back to square 1 because you haven't - your fragile state and the recent events have caused your setback I suspect. You wil recover .............be kind to yourself and stop worrying about being a failure.

Manic, it's a tough old world and I defy anyone to feel on top form all the time. Give yourself a break. You will feel better soon....just take one day at a time, and remember to remind yourself of the positives that are in your life and that you have achieved, no matter how seemingly small they are.
You don't sound like a failure to me. You sound like a strong woman who doesn't quite yet know her own strength, a sensitive woman who maybe thinks a little too much, and a woman who is determined to make her life better. You are far from a failure...and feeling rough at the moment doesn't mean that you've failed either, it just means that you're dealing with some stuff.
Something that might help is some relaxation. Learning relaxation skills can be really helpful.
Might also be worth reading up on 'mindfulness'....it's really helpful for grounding ones'self. Lots of info on the internet, and it's being widely used in mental health support these days, but it's something useful that can be self-taught too.