Can't eat, feeling rubbish

[findingthingshard]

Have name-changed for this.

I'm finding eating really hard atm. Since January I've been following a very strict low-carb diet, and have lost weight - still a heffalump though - have gone from a generous size 18 to a size 14. Ideally I'd like to get back to being a 12. I've basically put weight on with each child (I have 4), and it's time to lose it.

My problem is this. The last few weeks I've noticed myself cutting back more and more what I'm eating, and I just can't make myself eat. I go to eat something, and I can't put it in my mouth. Just can't do it. I had anorexia as a teen/early 20s, sub-clinically though, so never had any treatment, but was not a good time of my life. I'm beginning to feel those same feelings, and I've noticed a few tell-tale warning signs - for example if I feel upset, I react by throwing food away, and I feel pleased when the fridge is empty of food, which obviously with 4 kids is not a good state to be in.

I am desperate not to pass on any bad habits to the children, but I also know I still need to lose a lot of weight, and the only way I can do this is by being very extreme (I am an all or nothing person, and something left over from when I was a teenager is the need to have strict rules - moderation doesn't work as it leads to binging - when I was a teen I sorted this out with massive laxative overdoses ).

I'm also starting to feel dizzy and sick, I can't sleep and am sitting up all night, reading and doing crosswords, and I'm fidgety, all of which I know is a symptom of the old ways coming back, but I feel powerless to stop it.

Thanks for listening.

Just to add, today is a particularly bad day, have only eaten 1 piece of chicken which I'd cooked yesterday (though was quite a big piece), and a tiny flapjack square just now because my head was spinning. And my stupid mind doesn't say 'that's not enough food', it says 'you shouldn't have had the flapjack'.

Hello, don't know much about eating disorders, but just wanted to show support. Was wondering if you could manage a glass of milk - it might not seem so much like food? It does sound as if lack of food is affecting your thinking a bit.

Thanks midnightservant - I find milk a bit of a triggering thing actually, but yes you're right, it would be a good thing to have. I did have a latte at lunchtime - does that count? ;)

Latte definitely counts. I am trying to lose weight at present, and a nice cup of half-milk half-water coffee is sometimes my breakfast.

When I am depressed I usually comfort eat. Recently been feeling pretty down - but this time felt hungry but had no appetite - which has led to some weight loss.

A nice boiled egg with unbuttered soldiers?

thing is, I just can't be bothered to cook and eat an egg! And I wouldn't have soldiers, because they are carbs, and I've cut out all sugar/starch and also all wheat (for other reasons), and an egg on its own is a bit miserable really!

Morning! How are you?

I have tried Atkins a couple of times, using the book as guidance. Even that says you should have salad etc. I found it great at the start, but eventually felt that my body was not getting all the nutrients it needed. But it gave me a kick start so I was motivated to keep eating less.

Size 14 is my natural size, though I am only 5'3" I have broad shoulders and the sort of frame that can put on 2 stone and only go up a size, which is where I am now - weigh 12 stone and want to weigh 10.

I sort of know the feeling about knowing what you should be doing and not being able to do it. I get very unmotivated when down, and know that a walk would help, but can't drag myself out of the door. A nice bipolar website said I should think of exercise as Medicine. Would it help to think of food as fuel or medicine for the time being?

I like egg on its own!

:) thanks for posting, feel a bit more cheerful this morning.

I am eating veg and salad, but only tend to make anything if dh is eating too - yesterday was v bad as he took ds1 out for pizza mid-afternoon and then didn't want anything later on, so I didn't bother make anything for me either, and then felt really awful as hadn't really eaten much all day.

Haven't eaten anything yet today, but will make sure we have something this evening!

I think size 14 is probably my natural size too, but I prefer being a 12. I have been 8-10 but that was only by eating nothing for months on end, and other unhealthy habits, not good!

I have had binge eating disorder for almost all my life (since 7) and it was all or nothing, strict or binge. Now I have dealt with the root causes I am tackling the eating itself with CBT techniques and hey presto I am learning to eat normally like eat half a chocolate bar and leave the rest- so no it is not true that you can only lose weight by starving yourself. You need to seek treatment for eating disorder and learn to eat normally.

madmouse, you are probably right. Here is a good example of my messed up thinking though - I never feel I can ask for help unless I am very thin. And if I am very thin then I don't want help, in case it results in putting on weight.

I can rationalise totally about what is the right thing to do/eat. Actually doing it/putting the food in my mouth/NOT putting the food in my mouth is quite another thing!

(sorry pressed post too soon!)
sounds like you are doing amazingly well though madmouse! The only way I would eat half a chocolate bar would be if I felt v guilt half way through and chucked it away in panic.

After two years of therapy for child sexual abuse and PTSD I am glad to be doing better

The program I'm following is very step by step - starting with writing down everything you eat and weighing yourself once a week, then start planning normal meals and snacks at normal meal and snack times and sticking to them and not eating in between, then finding distraction tactics for difficult moments etc. It's very gradual. But until I had truly worked out what caused my eating nothing worked. Get some help - for your sake and your kids.

(((((hugs))))) to you mad mouse. You should be really proud of yourself!

findingthingshard - poor you ,you really must go and ask your GP for help.
You know you're on the slippery slope ,you have to get help for sake of your children .
Wishing you strength.