am I not trying? is that it?

[ButterpieandCheese]

why is it that I keep getting ill? again sat here, just flicking through pages, not even reading them, but I know it will sound like i'm too busy having fun on the internet to sleep if I ask for help. turned the tv off as it always makes me anxious. was reading guidelines on dla. Not sure if I've filled it in right, I might lose it and not get renewed. nurse says she'll appeal as I don't have full insight atm and shouldn't have filled it in without her in the first place.

keep looking outside. good night to disapeer, but I bet I would just chicken out and that is just embarrsing. should I take the tranquiliser? I took my sleeping pills last night and diddn't wake up all day properly -might be why I'm up now. hate the sleeping pills. like the tranquilliser, but running out of them and worried won't be allowed more.

sick of being ill now. why can't things be simple any more?

just keep thinking of dd1 needing me to help her with her new inhaler, and I'm showing her how to read, and dd2 calls me daddy for some reason but I am her faveourite. even if I am only a shell, being there is better than not, isn't it? but I don't want them to end up looking after me.

not been so down for ages. every time I forget it for a minute, when it comes back its like being stabbed.

I'll never be normal. that's just a fact. no point trying to fight that - when I have that is when I've got ill.

I don't dare to likethings. whenever I feel happy I worry it is a high starting up. So so scared of getting ill again. very time I see the police I think they are for me - if I hear sirens my heart beats and I can't breathe.

I must look mad.

ButterpieandCheese - sorry you didnt get any replies last night but hope you got some rest.

In answer to your question - yes, even though you may not be 100% yourself at the moment, you are the best mum your kids are ever going to have. Ever. And it sounds like you are doing a great job. Try not to be so hard on yourself.

You dont look mad - you look like you are struggling with horrible anxiety.

Im sorry you are having such a rough time - go to your GP and tell them to see what help they can offer. There are lots and lots of other mums on here with similar things at the moment.

Hope you get some support and help soon x

Just reading your post again - have you recently been disgnosed with Bi polar? Just wondering if it would be worth asking for some specific counselling to help you cope with the diagnosis. It must be so frightening for you worrying if each time you are happy it is the start of a high - but i think people have had success with thigns like CBT to help keep it all in perspective x

Hey, just wanted to reply, hope things are feeling a little better for you today?

You mentioned your nurse, have you got any appointments arranged to see her again soon and she what other help she can offer you?

Thinking of you, here if you want to talk x

She's coming this afternoon - she comes once a week or so. i'm not under the care of my GP for MH, but I'm always a bit confused by who to go to for help.

I've not even been diagnosed with bipolar, but have been treated for it for about four years, just without giving it a name. Onviously is that though.

you should go for to your GP for help so they can pinpoint exactly whats wrong with you, who is prescribing your sleeping pills etc if you are not under the GP, it seems a bit strange that you have been treated for bipolar without a diagnosis.
The GP might know whats wrong but if not they will refer you to who ever necessary to find out,
Once you know exactly what you are dealing with then you can be prescribed the correct medication to help you get better.
I hope you are feeling better today and know what a nightmare filling in DLA forms are, i have to do them for my autistic son and always get help to fill them in and a proper diagnosis will help with your claim as will a GPs note.

I'm under a specialist team for psychosis - I'm on mood stabilisers and so on, prescribed by a consultant psychitrist who is a well respected researcher and speaker apparently. I suspect I have a diagnosis, but I just don't have it on any of my paperwork, if that makes sense. People do refer to me having bipolar though, and my care plan has strategies for dealing with mania and depression as seperate sections.

I have a phone number for the office to ring, but I don't like to impose. My GP just shrugs when I go about anything - they seem a bit scared of stepping on toes.

Have you been on the same medication for a while or do you get it reviewed every so often, it could be just not the right meds or wrong dosage, i can understand that the GP doesnt want to interfere if you are already under a specialist team, a diagnosis would help with your DLA claim, plus letters from your psychiatrist and any other professionals that you see, the form alone is enough to bring on anxiety, and the waiting to see if it will continue is worse so make sure you get as much input and help as you can to fill it in.

I'm just starting on a new drug, it's being increased gradually, so fingers crossed it will work. I did at one point get a diagnosis of puperal psychosis, but pretty much immediately the professionals said it was wrong as I had the condition before any children and it is mostly mood related.

Spoke to my care co-ordinator today, she says that if I don't get my claim renewed she will appeal, as she thinks I should get the full lot. But then the professionals keep saying I will never work, so they are a bit pessimisstic.