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Mental health

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Original poster

Brother addicted to all kinds of stuff, bleeding my mum - help!

17 replies

KateBottomton · 18/04/2011 20:29

He lives with my mum, is 35 and has been addicted for approximately 20 years.

He is incredibly bright and manipulative and have the most complicated, convaluted ways of draining my mum of her lifes savings.

He doesn't stop talking, in her ear, following her around the house, even waking her in the night to talk to her.

He is agressive, and doesn't pause for anyone elses oppinion, always telling my mum what to do and how to do it.

He is isolating her from her other 3 children by repeating over and over how they are in fact manipulating her and out to get him.

She won't listen to her other children and makes us feel guilty if we even suggest she comes and stays with us for a night for a break or something, suggesting that it is for 'our' benefit rather than hers and getting angry because 'not you telling me what to do as well'.

I just don't know what to do. She just lost her husband, my dad, a few weeks ago.

During the funeral days all we ever heard was whispering and then her getting out her purse. She walks a mile to the cash point EVERY DAY.

What on earth can I do for her?

OP posts:

Earlybird · 18/04/2011 20:38

Do you have any idea of the state of her finances? Will she be better or worse off financially now that her dh has died (my condolences to you, btw)?

Does your brother work/earn or receive benefits? My point - besides your Mum's purse, where does your brother get money from?

Original poster

KateBottomton · 18/04/2011 20:45

About the same. Dad had no money as he wasn't working and wasn't pensionable age.

Mum tells me she is down to her last £50 this month.

DB 'works' for my mum apparently, but most of it is 'on loan'.

OP posts:

Earlybird · 18/04/2011 20:49

Does she have savings? Not clear from your response, which makes it sound as if she is living off what she earns.

Does she have her own business, if your brother works for her?

How old is your Mum? Is she worried about money, and does she make the connection that your brother's problems are causing problems for her? Does she know/admit that he is an addict?

Sorry to ask so many questions.

Original poster

KateBottomton · 18/04/2011 20:53

She has some savings yes, but she doesn't have a pension and she is over retirement age but needing to work still.

She doesn't employ his as part of her business. She gives him money for doing 'housework' and 'DIY', which to be fair, the house does need quite a bit of (expect that normally grown adult sons do it for free, except he has convinced her that he is saving her a bomb by her not having to get in handy men now that my Dad has passed).

She does agree he has a problem but is adament that he has it under control and is honest with her about what he takes and when, although I know with certainty that he doesn't tell her the half of it.

OP posts:

Earlybird · 18/04/2011 20:57

I'm confused though - you say brother is helping/being paid now that your dad has passed, but yet your dad has only been gone a few weeks.

How long has this financial drain issue been a problem?

Original poster

KateBottomton · 18/04/2011 21:01

Many years, to varying degrees, but the paid work thing/excuse is new and appears to represent an increase in the drain. My Dad didn't live with my mum.

OP posts:

Original poster

KateBottomton · 18/04/2011 21:13

Forgot to say, Dad was ill for quite some time before he died. That was when my brother appeared on the scene again, at my mum's house, not my dad's.

OP posts:

GKlimt · 18/04/2011 21:32

Sorry to intrude and ask more questions. Does your mum have any problem with being exploited like this? Or maybe, she feels in some way responsible for his 'predicament' even tho he's now an adult?

We have had a very very similiar problem in my family wh only seemed to change when the money ran out. Then, he moved out and his mother hasn't seen him since. Fortunately, someone else in the family was able to offer her a home as she had lost hers to his addiction.

Original poster

KateBottomton · 18/04/2011 21:36

Yes, I think she has a problem with it, but just doesn't know what to do.

He's sold her the line that he is 'helping her' and she should be grateful, and if she throws him out, or stops the money it is HER fault that things will be worse for him and worse for her.

OP posts:

Original poster

KateBottomton · 18/04/2011 21:37

She believes that he is handling it and dealing with it. I know for certain he takes heroine, crack, valuim, and pretty much anything else he can get his hands on.

He is always asking for money for a haircut or for a supermarket shop that fails to materialise.

OP posts:

tiredemma · 18/04/2011 21:41

he sounds like my brother.

Sorry I have no advice- but I can empathise- massively.

Original poster

KateBottomton · 18/04/2011 21:44

Oh God tired, sorry!

I don't expect it is that unusual really. My Dad was great for many reasons, but he was a bit controlling. My brother is extremely controlling and I'm so worried that my mum has gone from one person holding her to ransom to the other.

OP posts:

Original poster

KateBottomton · 18/04/2011 22:22

Is there really nothing I can do?

OP posts:

GKlimt · 18/04/2011 23:36

I'm so pleased to hear that your mum thinks it's a problem. That's a good start at least.

AA run support meetings for family members affected by substance abuse [like al-anon for families with alcoholics] called narc-anon.

Your mum might find it helpful to share her difficulties, learn some tough love for your brother and how to handle his manipulative behaviour.

shodatin · 19/04/2011 01:02

Sorry about your Dad. It is still very recent and families can often fall out at this time. I agree with siobahnagain that narc-anon could be useful, also if you could suggest your Mother contacts Cruse (bereavement counselling), they would assist her recovery and possibly help her to deal with her son.

Earlybird · 19/04/2011 01:36

Can you or your siblings do anything to get your brother in to rehab or drug counselling?

Does your brother admit that he has a problem or is he in denial?

If neither of them wants to be helped (not your brother or your Mum), I'm not sure you can do anything to stop the situation.

Agree that AA and bereavement counselling might be the best thing. Perhaps you and/or your siblings could go with your Mum. If she hears about these issues from someone else professionally qualified, she might be better able to 'hear' what they have to say.

GKlimt · 19/04/2011 03:29

IMO give mum a lift or whatever help she needs to go to a meeting - then leave her to it. She is already feeling resentful and experiences her children as pushing her around too much. I think she could benefit from having more autonomy in some area of her life. I feel that accompanying her to the meeting [unless she requested it] could make her dig her heels in and be deaf to the support she needs. Maybe, I'm wrong.

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