How do you 'get over it'? PND and PTSD related to birth trauma.

[littleblackdog]

I posted on childbirth, and someone suggested trying here too. Any advice gratefully received..

I have an amazing 11 month old DS, who we tried for 3 1/2 years to conceive. I had two miscarriages, and eventually got PG with Clomid.
My pregnancy was fairly smooth, and although I was under the consultant for an underactive thyroid, there were no medical concerns.
I was 9 days late, and booked for induction on the tues, (13 days late)
I had concerns that night as the baby stopped moving, and ended up in hospital the next day.
Long story short, they let me carry on and labour for hours, although there were concerns about DS' heart rate, until 9pm when there was a shift change and suddenly there were panic stations. We still thought all was ok, as they were going to do an EMCS.

I laid there, heard no cry, and calling out to know what was happening. It was 20mins till DH was allowed to go over and tell me it was a boy.
Our son had almost everything go wrong that could have, and was in hospital for a month, 2 weeks on ventilation then CPAP, with an induced coma and morphine for the first few days.
He survived against all the odds, and we had many 'serious' conversations with the consultant, about his chances of survival.

Well done if you have read this far!
He is now healthy, happy, and does not seem to have sustained lasting physical or mental problems from his birth, for which we are so thankful. Can't describe how happy we are.
The thing is, I am suffering PTSD, PND and feeling more and more anxiety as it nears his birthday.
Tried talking to friends, but people just want me to get past it, move on, put it behind me etc. I still have flashbacks, and occasional nightmares. I am reciving counselling, which is really helping but feel so alone and misunderstood. It's pressure to move on.
I think people think I'm ungrateful, as DS is surpassing all expectations, and is a true 'miracle' baby. All I hear is "But he's doing so well, you should focus on that"

I do, every day. But in my mind I also see my tiny helpless child wired to every machine and drug going, with an IV in each limb, and more through the umbilical line, and a ventilator in his mouth. I had no chance to enjoy the first few days, in hospital recovering and then at home. By the time we came home, I was more mobile again, and so scared he would be taken away, that I wouldn't accept help, except from DH.
I have joined a couple of support forums, but so much is geared towards premature babies, not full term poorly ones.
I need help, and advice, about how to get my bounce back, and enjoy every moment.
Thanks for reading.

been there

will reply properly later

x

I have experience of severe postnatal depression and it took me about three years to recover. I found that medication helped considerally. It gave me the lift I need to sort myself out.

I have also experienced PTSD, although not childbirth related. (Serious assault) I found that time was a great healer. I was 19 years old and I still experience the occassional flashback at 36. What has helped me is life experience. (I was very harsh on myself at 19)

My ds was born after a 3 day labour, seemed in fine fettle despite coming out by rotational forceps, but after 12 hours he stopped breathing. He had seizures every 5 mins and that stopped him breathing. He ended in NICU and as long as I live I will never forget the sight of that tiny shrimp of a baby covered in wires, still conscious (the drugs knocked him out later) trying to pull the ventilation tube out of his throat. The fear, the strange environment, the alienation from everything, the total helplessness - it is an unbelievable experience and no wonder it results in PTSD. It did for me although my PTSD was complex - mixed with child abuse issues resurfacing during the labour.

One year is a short time to come to terms with it and it is normal to feel much worse as the anniversary approaches. See it as a grieving process, you need to grieve for what you didn't have - the happy start to the life of a much much wanted baby. So talk about it, on here and to people who will listen and in counselling, cry, write, remember. Don't try to push away what is a genuine human response to a terrible situation. And things will get better.

Glad your ds is doing so well. Mine is a miracle baby too - he is 3 now and only has mild cerebral palsy (can't walk unaided, cant use right arm well) and a speech delay - he is not blind and has no epilepsy as was the prediction and the doctors are delighted with him. He's also a real sunshine child.

I still feel sad around the anniversary of what happened and I still feel very sad at certain aspects of what happened (I could not be with ds as I was too distressed and was taken from the room, plus the fits were so scary we couldn't bear to be with him - I have beaten myself up really badly about failing ds) but I no longer blame myself and it gets easier every time.

Don't be pushed into 'moving on' - moving on is something that happens in its own time as long as you work on getting better in your own pace.

Phew sorry that's an essay. Hope it helps

Thanks madmouse.
It does help, a lot. Just feel so pushed into being 'normal' and ok again. You are so right about the 'grieving' process.

I feel so cheated in a way, and as lots of friends have had babies over the last months, I've been alternately panic stricken, then rather as they talk about those first amazing days, both good and bad bits. for instance, ny friend posted on FB today she is enjoying some 'quality time' on the ward with her little one. So overjoyed for her, but so sad for myself every time I hear things like that.

I spent my first few days being transferred by ambulance to where DS was rushed to NICU, then being wheeled down there several times a day for as long as we could cope by DH, to sit beside an incubator. Interspersed with horrifically blunt conversations with DS's (incredible ) consultant.

I don't think I realised I was in shock for the first 5ish months.

I honestly thought I should just be getting on with things once we brought him home, and was so paranoid he would stop breathing i had his moses basket right beside me at all time for weeks. Didn't accept help from the 4 GParent's which I also feel guilty for, as they are all so amazingly loving and supportive. Hope they don't feel pushed out. Think I was so sad for them that they were faced with all that worry about their first grandsons birth.

I do have a lovely counsellor, who is experienced in helping women with PND and birth trauma. Only have a couple more sessions though as it's NHS.
I'm not on anti - depressants, as with my fertility issues we want to start trying for no 2, which scares and excites me at the same time. My GP was but he is very understanding and supportive.
Sorry, what a lot of words. it's like somone pulled the stopper out today and they just keep coming. Hope that's a good thing!

I think the only way either I or dh slept the first year was with the help of an apnoea alarm mattress that ds slept on until he started to set it off by rolling off it. It was a Godsend.

By the way I got through it without meds too, although I was not clinically depressed I was in a pretty bad way and the paim caused by the PTSD left me suicidal at times but in my case is was decided not to use meds as my feelings and emotions were frozen after years of abuse and were only just defrosting and the fear was that meds would numb things again. It was hell though and it would have been easier with some meds probably.

this site might be helpful

www.sheilakitzinger.com/birthcrisis.htm

DS was on oxygen for 5 1/2 months so we had an apnoea monitor from the hospital, as well as the Angelcare pad under the mattress. I have no idea when i'll feel comfortable not using it..
I remember saying to DH the first night we had him at home - "I don't think I'll ever sleep again!"

Thanks tiredemma will def look into that. Get my brave 'phoning people' bit of my brain going..

I have had PTSD and PND following the birth of DS1 five years ago - I can only tell you that it does get easier. DS1 was born with a heart problem which was only detected once I was in labour. I had an emergency c-section and DS1 was taken straight to intensive care. I lost a lot of blood and was out of it for the first 24 hours. I didn't even get to see him until he was a day old and it honestly felt like he could have been anyone's baby. He certainly didn't feel like mine. He was in a bad way and it took several days before they could even diagnose the problem let alone work out how to make it better. All of that time, he was in grave danger.

I didn't hold him until he was five days old and wasn't allowed to BF until he was a week old. He was in intensive care for over two weeks and when we finally took him home I just felt numb.

Three months later I had what I suppose they used to call a nervous breakdown but it wasn't until two years later when DH and I started talking about having another DC that I finally went to the GP. Up until then I hadn't asked for any help which I now look back on and realise was a big mistake. I thought I should be able to just get on with it and that I was weak and useless for having all these feelings of not being able to cope, not bonding with my baby, wanting to run away etc.

Anyway, the counselling I finally asked for really helped. They diagnosed PTSD and PND (although the PND had lifted a bit by then) and I had six months of CBT. At the end of it I had finally laid my demons to rest and I felt ready to move on.

Now, I feel fully recovered and I don't burst in to tears every time a friend describes their wonderful birth/how much they instantly bonded with their baby etc. I think a lot of it is helped by having had DS2, it really laid all those ghosts to rest. I still didn't have a wonderful birth by any stretch of the imagination but at least I had that rush of love/bonding experience which others had talked about but up until DS2 was born, I had never experienced.

Sorry, it's an essay but the essence of my post is that your feelings will subside in time and go easy on yourself, you can't be expected to enjoy every moment (although that's one of the things I used to think, I should be so grateful he was alive - how could I be so selfish to be feeling sad), you've been through a massive trauma.