explaining bipolar to a child

[mamateur]

Hello,

We now have full care of DN who was brought up by his grandmother. His mother was bipolar and committed suicide when DN was 8 months. His father had died a couple of months previously of an accidental heroine overdose (he had given up but relapsed with a friend).

Granny never told him how his mother or father died, so we don't know what he knows. This week we will sit him and his sister down and tell them the truth.

DP is bipolar too (DN's mother was his sister) and their father is schizophrenic. The clearly genetic mental illness in their family has always been shrouded in secrecy - we want to be more open with DN.

I want to make clear to DN that although his mother took her own life she did not want to leave him.

Any help appreciated!

btw, he's 13.

There are a couple of brilliant books I've used for my kids - will find links and come back . . .

There's some excellent guidance on the Winston's Wish website re parental suicide and accidental death.

Is there any particular reason why you have decided to tell them now?

This - there's also one called 'I had a black dog.' They deal with depression but that's such a big part of bipolar that they will at least explain a few things.

www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Black-Dog-Matthew-Johnstone/dp/1845297431/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1303123281&sr=1-1

Those books don't deal with the specifics of suicide but they do, very concisely and effectively I think, show what deep depression feels like sometimes. This might be useful as he will be wondering about his own behaviour and whether he'll be affected by it too, I'd imagine.

Thanks for that link.

Siobahn he hasn't been told anything and the subject has been very closed. I imagine he'll have invented some story in his head as people must ask him all the time why he has no parents. I know they ask me. He might even think it was his fault in some way - and he'll certainly have some idea it's 'nasty' because noone talks about it. We only got him six months ago, and it has always been our intention to tell him.

I think you are right that he needs to know as it is common for children to feel guilt and to blame themselves. Can you get some support on board first though so that you are in a position to deal with the fall-out? Because at 13 telling him will be the easy bit compare to what might follow. He may react in a way that you would not expect (no response at all, anger, depression, failing at school, running away, negative behaviour) and he may need counselling and/or help to grieve.

Maybe your GP can help, or a social worker who has been involved in the custody process.

We're seeing a counsellor, and granny is seeing her own counsellor. Unfortunately, she told his older sister a lie, so she now has to tell them both the truth together.

His behaviour is already quite bad, but we're working closely with the school. Fortunately he really likes and trusts his (brilliant) form teacher who will definitely be looking out for him at school.

It's still a leap into the dark though - granny will actually do the telling.

Thank you, I understand better now. I wonder what he would say if you asked him what he thinks happened to his parents? You might be surprised by how much he already knows. Or what is his explanation, far-fetched or otherwise. Or maybe he won't talk to you about it

My close friend's father killed himself when she was a toddler. Even tho' it was deliberately kept from her, she knew the truth for years, from her schoolfriends and from finding documents, newspaper clippings etc 'hidden' from her around the house.

Maybe asking him his theories might be a gentle way to bring up a very tricky subject, if you haven't done so already - once you have all the information you need. ??

Well, granny has just left wtih him for a few days. I feel very relieved that she's going to tell him. WHen we took him on she said she would never ever tell him the 'how' of how it happened, but she has spoken to WInstons Wish and they said, tell him everything. I just want him to have a mother, whatever the circumstances, because at the moment he doesn't.