DH taken a downturn, feel helpless...

[PurpleLostPrincess]

Back story here: here

His next appointment at the mental health clinic isn't until June, he asked about it yesterday but then said what's the point as they never seem to help. I'm not sure I've ever seen him this low, feel so helpless!

After having posted that, he has got out of bed and told me he needs to sort his head out! In his words it may only last a couple of hours, but I'm proud of him for at least trying.

He burnt the only picture he had of his mother yesterday.

I am seriously considering ringing the crisis team in the week if things don't improve properly, they have a drop in thing at the MH Community Centre too...

Do ring the crisis team.

what will the crisis team do,have you used them before?

Well the clinic is called the Bridge Centre, he only sees his consultant normally because he can't cope with talking to different people every time and part of his illness is agoraphobia. The consultant just asks him the same questions and says 'see you in x weeks'. We used the walk in clinic once but they weren't very helpful at all, but then what can they do realistically!?

He was admitted to the MH hospital many years ago on day release, before we were together. Not sure what they did to help him? He's been taking his AD's properly as far as I know. I can't bear to see him like this!

My mum is staying at her caravan in Wales and has offered to have him there for a few days. I didn't think it would be an option but he's considering it, maybe it would do him good to get away... I just don't know.

Just off to do a load of housework but will pop back later...

Well he perked up for a few hours, thought he may have had a shower but he's gone back into the shed feeling low again. At least he's speaking today and he's not crying, well not so far anyway! I think he hides away because he doesn't want the kids seeing him like this, which is fair enough, but him being on his own makes him worse as he isolates himself with his thoughts.

I have some time to sit and chat now... phew!

I had a chat with a friend a few months ago who works in MH. She suggested we look into getting DH a fresh diagnosis. He has had MH issues since he was a child, saw child psychologists etc. Then he suffered with PTSD after his father died when he was 16, then his mother went off with another bloke 3 months later leaving him in the house and therefore he had abandonment issues. He is now agoraphobic, suffers with anxiety, depression and OCD. He has self-harmed in the past too.

Having done extensive research/reading, I am convinced he has borderline personality disorder. He ticks all the boxes for it and displays the symptoms regularly. He takes 40mg citalopram and has been told he will have to for the rest of his life - it's been 2 or 3 years and it's the best one he has had ever, all the rest of them gave him dibilitating side effects.

He used to live and breathe cannabis and 2 years ago I put my foot down, he moved out for a few weeks, sorted himself out and hasn't had it since (well, I'm convinced there have been a couple of sneaky tokes while at a friends house in those 2 years). I have made it clear it's the cannabis or his family, his choice. It has to be black and white with him or he will take advantage.

When he is on form, he is amazing. He does housework, cooking, washing etc and can be very thoughtful. When he is low he doesn't get out of bed and does the bare minimum, sometimes nothing for days/weeks on end. He has tried working but ended up having major breakdowns after a few weeks each time so that is out of the question for now.

His mum dying has impacted him more than I ever thought it would. He used to say he wouldn't go to the funeral but I'm so proud that he did, even if he did have to take diazepam to get through it. He tells me he hates her and what she did to him and he doesn't seem to be able to get over it. We are in touch with other members of the family and they all feel sorry for him, but despite the treatment they got from her too, they are all getting on with normal lives. They all say he got the worst of it from her and feel sorry for her but they live far away so not really able to help. I maintain the contact with them as he doesn't do phone conversations or messages.

He now has an addiction to painkillers, stemming from when he gave up the green. I have had bad hips since having DD2 and then had a hysterectomy in Nov 2009 which had some complications, he used to barter/beg for my codeine and I gave in because I was just so exhausted and was also pleased he wasn't having a joint. It escalated and he managed to get it on prescription but our GP (who is fantastic!) put a stop to it because he was putting in for so many repeats it was unreal. While having a chat with the GP, he chose to stop the prescriptions altogether. I have my painkillers on a weekly basis so that if he finds them there are only ever a few to take (I hide them well!). However he spends about £6 a day on either nurofen plus or solpadeine max because of the codeine content in them - he would give anything for a packet of dihydracodeine, so sad! Yesterday he asked me to ask my Dad if he could have some of his (he has severe arthritis), so I texted my Dad in advance of ringing telling him to say no to my request as I knew DH would be listening in. He has to hide his tablets too as DH has been known to steal them.

Oh my goodness, I have waffled now! I'm so sorry, I just need to get it all out! My DC's are so wonderful and have a bit of an idea of what is going on, but I don't want to pressure them by talking to them about it. They are almost used to his problems but this is another level. DS is almost 17 and is amazing, especially for a teenager bless him!

I'll sign off now, sorry again but thank you for the opportunity to get it all off my chest...

*feel sorry for HIM.

I have no advice but I think in a situation like this its all just day to day isnt it.

Hopefully you can get a new perspective and perhaps some help?.

Really feel for you x.

My mum died when I was 11 and left me with lots of shit including an abusive stepfather ......we hadnt had much of a life until then either but my brother is a junkie hes agraphobic and is vv selfish - its the only way he knows to survive and people say oh you coped ok with it ......truth is,I didnt I fall apart daily I just hide it better and I know I could never drink regularly or take medicines regularly bcos id easily slip into a habit.

Thank you Nickschick, and sorry to hear about your situation. I guess we all have levels of addiction in us, I used to struggle with green but gave up 12 years ago and can't bear the thought of going near a joint now! DH seems to have an extremely high level of addiction and is very obsessive. Strangely he doesn't drink very often at all though...

I think the codeines just replacing the things he feels are 'missing'......I admire how clearly you can see it and face it.

Well he finally showered yesterday which is a big relief! He's started getting more involved etc and even came out in the car today! Then he goes and drops the bombshell that he's going to buy a draw tonight and he doesn't care what the consequences are... It's difficult to talk with a houseful of kids and he knows it. He had the cheek to get annoyed with me for reacting to this news, as if I'm going to just say 'OK then!' The past 2 years he has coped without it and been much better mentally, I just don't see how this is going to help but he is convinced it will get him through this slump. As I said to him, then what!?

Before all of this, we had a conversation about seeing his MH consultant and finding out bereavment counselling and he is considering it. I told him I have no comprehension of what he's going through and I can't be his counsellor. Something's got to give because I can't bear seeing him fall apart in front of me!

The start of your post sounded a lot better......I dont know enough about draw or cannabis to say much but excuse my ignorance is it worse than codeine if its only an occasional thing or is this just a downward spiral?

I feel so sorry that you are going through this when your not so well yourself and you have children.

I suspect that your OH has been thinking that this is in fact the remedy for his present depression, and has convinced himself that this will do the trick. The thing is with cannabis, it is not like it used to be, there is this thing called skunk which is far worse than cannabis and can have quite dangerous side effects - in fact if used routinely there have been some cases where in people with a pre-disposition to mental illness, it has caused a psychotic illness. I don't want to worry you, because I think this is in heavy long term use.

I am not surprised he got annoyed with your reaction to his news, because he knows at some level that you are right and his is covering the guilt he feels with anger (lots of men do this)

I think you should have another conversation about seeing his MH consultant againg and finding out about bereavement counselling. You say he is "considering" it - I think you need to more assertive and tell him that it is an absolute necessity and use the words in your post "something has to give" adding something to the effect that you are at the end of your tether and are concerned that your marriage is under great strain and you don't know how long you can live like this..............he has to know that you can't carry on like this without you too becoming so stressed that you too could be susceptible to mental illness.

You are right! Just to give you a bit of background, that is exactly what was happening before he gave up 2 years ago. He was smoking weed so much and it was having such a detrimental affect on his MH that was putting a strain on me and all the family, not to mention the cost! My xh was smoking it all the time and that was part of the reason we split up - well that and the fact that he was an abusive bastard! I realised I have the right to choose what sort of life I lead as well as my childrens (not that he ever did it in front of them!) and he couldn't take that away from me.

DH and I grew up together and when we met again this time he was clean and I was unaware of the extent of his illness. He slowly started having a joint here and there and it escalated with me protesting every step of the way. We had 2 miscarriages over the years so I was too busy getting over them to have the strength to deal with things. I was never happy with it and it was a constant bain on our relationship. Apart from that everything was good and he's always treated me very well.

Anyway, 2 years ago I had enough and threw him out - he had been promising to give up for so long but never actually did it because he knew I would give in each time so he had a bit of a shock! He was chipping away at me and we'd had DD2 who had lots of problems, I was suffering with depression myself too. I've told him I can feel myself slipping down that road again and I have to protect myself, my priority is the family and that will always come first, he knows this.

I did tell him it's a necessity but I will insist on it tomorrow - I've told him to sleep in the shed as I don't want to be anywhere near him while he is stoned. Obviously he didn't smoke it anywhere near the house, I won't tolerate that either, there are children here and it's just ridiculous and an insult for him to be sitting there toking, either way it takes the piss. Of course he has been trying to be all nice earlier this evening and offering to help with the children, knowing what he would be doing after they had settled into bed. It makes me even more angry when he acknowledges that I have every right to be angry with him...

Thank you again for letting me vent, I can't tell you how much it helps!

Oh, forgot to say, he reckons this is a one-off and that he feels so guilty he won't be doing it again. I told him the damage has already been done...

Vent away PLP - sons, dils and grandchildren all descending on us tomorrow for Easter so may not be able to do much MNetting but keep in touch and I'll be back on MN next week. Hope things are manageable for you over Easter. I'm glad to hear that you are putting you and your family first and that he knows it.

Thank you and hope you enjoy your Easter too, sounds busy!

Things seem to have settled down here, DH seems to be going back to his normal self a bit which is slightly annoying because he said he would if he had that green . I'm just concentrating on the kids, I have accepted the help he has offered and he has been getting on with the washing etc without prompting. Will let you know how things go, hoping to get away next week which may help too... I'm just exhausted in every way possible and the cyst on my ovary is playing up too.

DS is 17 on Monday (did I mention that already!?), can't believe he's so grown up, I'm so proud of him!

Happy Easter...