Please help - PTSD related and also posted in relationships.

[sjm123]

I am having a big conversation with my ex on Saturday evening, to get out all of the things that happened in our relationship and hopefully move on to us being able to start couples therapy once he has done some more more counselling and feels ready and able to do it.

I had (undiagnosed) PTSD for most of our relationship, due to an abusive childhood, teenage breast cancer which was handled appallingly by my (unpleasant) family, an abusive relationship with my children's father culminating in his attempting to kill me (and nearly managing) and serious self esteem and confidence issues arising from all that. I had a breakdown not long after we moved in together 4 years ago and lots of horrible things happened, because I did awful things. I had to stop speaking to my family in that time because they were very bad to be around. I lied a lot, I did unbelievable things, and I was suicidal and made repeated suicide attempts over the years we were together. I have since had EMDR therapy, and intensive psychotherapy and can honestly say I feel like a new person. I'm actually fairly confident now, quite happy and feel like "me" for the first time ever. No nightmares, no major panics, no depressions and paranoias and no real issues. I can hardly believe the things that I did were me, and I am really quite ashamed. I seem to have a total mental block regarding how to start this off though.

I think it's maybe because there's so much riding on it, because we do still very much love each other, my children adore him and we all miss each other but I just can't seem to get my brain to cooperate and let me get the things I need to say out and I'm scared I won't manage it and will mess this up

I just don't know where to start.

hey sjm we have spoken before - I don't know if I was still called willsurvivethis then. I know PTSD is a total bitch and you have done very well.

I think the only thing I can advise you is not to pin everything on Saturday night ie not to expect that everything will be hunkydory after that. At best you could possibly agree to start again slowly, maybe with an afternoon in the park.

Glad to hear you're feeling better. Don't hurry things.

Yes, I remember you :)

Oh no, we're not about to jump back into anything. He's having counselling himself, and couples therapy wouldn't start until he had finished that and felt ready to do so. It is something we are both keen to work towards though. Even then the plan would be to take it slowly, hang out a bit as friends, do things together with the children, do the couples therapy and work up to anything more involved over time. We're both keen to be cautious :)

I just feel that as we really will have to have this conversation at some point, and I'm about to be discharged by the CMHT it's important to do it while I still have that support if I need it. I can just about manage to pay for one private counselling session a month after that, but I think if this conversation brings up more issues it's best to do it now so I an access CMHT help if required.

Well, he came over and we talked. It went well and was a lot easier than I'd imagined it would be. We've decided that couples counselling will start mid August, after he's finished his counselling, I've been to the festival I'm going to in July and he's done the one he's doing in august. We're going to concentrate on being friends, doing as much as we can to make things good for the kids and working on our communication in the meantime. He was great about it all and despite the fact that I admitted some really horrible things about my behaviour while I was unwell I feel quite good about myself for doing it, and much more positive about it all :)

great - well done :)