Can't cope, don't think I am fit to be a mother

[practicallyimperfect]

Such a long story. But basically I am Bipolar, diagnosed last year (July). Ds is 19months old, was a suprise. Dh wasn't sure about having kids, so has found the whole thing hard. Ds still doesn't sleep through, and wants to get up between 4-5am. We have tried a variety of things, even HV says we are doing everything right.

I am part time (teacher), but in Septembe I have to return full time (part time request refused- they have reasonable financial reasons). I am barely coping now. This morning I exploded in anger over us running late- I broke the fridge door I slammed it so hard, screamed and shouted at Dh, slammed cupboards and teh just collapsed screaming. Dh took ds away to CM.

I just can't do it. I am so tired, I can't do enough work in order to sustain myself at work, I don't have the energy to do anything properly.

I hold it together for a while, and then I explode. I am on medication (lithium).

I can't cope full time, I can barely cope now. But if I stop work we will lose the house, no amount of cutting back etc will allow us to pay mortgage.

Our family all live 200 miles away so no help there.

Someone please help. I am thinking that the best thing to do is to just leave dh and ds.

practicallyimperfect, how awful that your ds is up at that time.

Everything is 100 times worse when tired isn't it. Things seem more bearable when you get plenty of sleep.
What time do you get to bed? Do you think it's the Bipolar alone making you feel like this?

I try to get to bed for 9pm. But I have so much work to do for my job, plus housework etc, I don't always make it. I get in from work and spend time with ds, make tea etc. Then after he goes to bed at 7pm I sit for half an hour with cup of tea. Then I start work again, but often (especially this time of year) I have 2 hours work to do.

Complicated by dh getting grumpy about going to bed early- he resents the fact that his life has had to change, and says if we go to bed at 9pm every night, then we have no life. It is a major point of argument.

I don't think it is just Bipolar, but I am not coping like other people do.

I would say that your current situation is tough without bipolar let alone with that added complication. Don't say you can't cope 'like other people do' because other people put on a front like you no doubt do outside the house and you would never know so try not to put yourself down. You are actually doing a lot of coping, there's just a bit much to cope with.

It is just possible that the current situation asks too much of your coping-with-bipolar. It can be hard to hold down a full-time job when keeping stable is hard work. Could you start looking for a different, parttime job, or bank/supply teach? Or step out of teaching for a bit? Work in Tesco and get more tax credits?

(I've stepped down from a managing lawyer role to a support role for my MH and I'm so glad I did)

Dh just won't "allow" me to. He just can't see how we will afford to live. I am the major wage earner and earn £35K ish. We have just about made it this year with me on 3 days, but a full time job on the same pay would be more childcare.

He worries about me, but can't see any other way. There are no part time jobs advertised in teaching my subject, and supply is very little due to cover supervisors etc.

I would happily jack it in and work in a shop, but it is just making it work financially.