Problems with social interaction, lack of friends, not being liked ...

[Sylvana]

I know its my own fault, but I can't seem to change. I cannot sustain friendships, I don't even want friends.

I know I have some sort of mental health issue, but I don't know what it is as its never been diagnosed. I went to my GP 5 years ago. She prescribed Laxapro which I took for a year but I didn't find them much help tbh. I didn't go back.

I wouldn't classify myself as 'depressed'. I do have the odd down day but its not continuous. I am fairly content with my life, I have a lovely dh and I am a busy working mum. I have stress like everyone else, but nothing major. I have always had a negative outlook on life, I try my hardest not to be downbeat as I know this impacts on family and everyone around me.

In work I'm at my best. I joke, laugh, smile, chit chat with my colleagues. Its weird, I don't find it hard to interact with people at work.

But outside of work is a real problem. I avoid neighbours, other mums at the school gate, I can't keep in touch with old friends/colleagues.

Birthday party invites for my dc's are drying up and I know its because of me. I have alienated myself from the other mums. They probably think I'm stuck up because I don't want anything to do with them. I can't blame them for thinking this because that is how it must come across. Little do they know I'm dying inside. They all do coffee, text, arrange play dates etc, so my issues are impacting my dc's social lives because I cannot bring myself to be part of that.

I attended a football match with my ds last Saturday and all the other mums and dads where watching the match in pairs/groups while I sat on my own.

I just feel so sad :(

Can anyone identify with me ? Or help me figure out what is wrong ?

I used to get the feeling left out thing, especially in groups until I accepted that it was me who was causing it, basically cos I didn't really want to be there, didn't really want to join in.

For me the big difference was learning to accept that there was nothing wrong with the way I was - it is just me. And that only came recently.

I have actually made excuses to not go to childrens parties with DCs as I cannot face social events....how sad is that!

Just cannot seem to get into this whole socialising malarky.

TheArmadillo, that is the position that I really need to get to.

Did it just come about to you or did you do any form of counselling or therapy? I am reluctant to do this and I think it will make a mountain out of a molehill but I do know that where you are, is where I need to get to, that acceptance.

I had a breakdown nearly a year ago. As a result of that I began analysing my own behaviour more and also was more susceptible to stress and so stressful situations had a more pronounced effect on me. Because of this I noticed 2 things:

1. That social interaction had a huge effect on me and that I found it extremely draining. Even with people I liked (PILs, colleagues, friends). Though now I am better than I was interaction with people I like is worth it.

2. That the only reason I did this stuff was because I felt guilty if I didn't and I felt like I should be enjoying this stuff.

I came to the conclusion that not only did I not enjoy it but it actually had a negative effect on me and secondly the world was probably not going to end if I didn't do it. Ds socialises well with other children at school, so no negative knock on there. Dd (now 8 months) really doesn't notice whether she's socialising with other babies (though we do take it in turns to take her to a baby group every week but only cos MIL is involved with it and takes us).

I am much happier now and enjoy the limited social interaction I have more, though it can still be a struggle if theres a rush of things in one go or I'm having a bad day mental health wise. I'm less afraid of talking to people because I don't have to, though mostly I still don't.

I have recently started cbt but this hasn't really come up much as I don't perceive it as an issue anymore. And I have many many issues to work on.

I should probably mention that I also suffer from paranoia as well as anxiety which I find makes social stuff so much harder. Especially when you are trying to make yourself not noticably crazy (which I was when I was very ill)

I am also very long winded in case you hadn't noticed - so sorry for the long post.

You're normal. You're an introvert. Get some books on it to help you manage your energy & time so that you're spending it when an where you want. Ps: you were probably miserable because you were sort of invisibly a misfit.

I'm guessing the depression only kicks on when there's a traumatizing event or thoughts of social failure (rejection) to trigger it. Make a note of that and change your mind about bow you deal with the latter. If you don't want friends, that is ok.
I expect there will be a backlash on this one, as the dominant cultural personality is extroverted, and therefore tends to define happiness that way. This is much like people defining normal as English-speaking. English is useful in their own lives, they feel most comfortable and happy when they do it, and they have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA that it's the most inconsistent, intractable and difficult language for the rest of the world to speak, because they never had to consciously learn it themselves. And simply because they're so used to being accommodated even in other countries in that regard, they'll tell you its the only way to get along in life. It's not and neither is being extroverted even in English-speaking countries. when you understand things, you will be better you will also have to ignore/educate others in whatever doses you feel necessary, especially if you do choose therapy. Good luck. I'm in a city in the US that literally equates "ahole" with "introvert", and not say "impolite" or "cruel", or even "muderous" just not smiling at non-friends with whom one has no need or desire to be engaged. Seriously.

You're normal. You're an introvert. Get some books on it to help you manage your energy & time so that you're spending it when an where you want. Ps: you were probably miserable because you were sort of invisibly a misfit.

I'm guessing the depression only kicks on when there's a traumatizing event or thoughts of social failure (rejection) to trigger it. Make a note of that and change your mind about bow you deal with the latter. If you don't want friends, that is ok.
I expect there will be a backlash on this one, as the dominant cultural personality is extroverted, and therefore tends to define happiness that way. This is much like people defining normal as English-speaking. English is useful in their own lives, they feel most comfortable and happy when they do it, and they have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA that it's the most inconsistent, intractable and difficult language for the rest of the world to speak, because they never had to consciously learn it themselves. And simply because they're so used to being accommodated even in other countries in that regard, they'll tell you its the only way to get along in life. It's not, and neither is being extroverted. When you understand things, you will also have to ignore/educate others in whatever doses you feel necessary, especially if you do choose therapy. Good luck.
I'm in a city in the US that literally equates "ahole" with "introvert", and not say "impolite" or "cruel", or even "muderous" just not smiling at non-friends with whom one has no need or desire to be engaged. Seriously. So good luck. I know thats not too encouraging unless you feel superiority to America ;) but you'll be alright.