I'm making a mess of everything (sorry, long)

[FeelingDefeated]

Am a MN regular but have name-changed for the purpose of being anonymous. If anyone recognises me (and 'tis highly unlikely they would) please don't 'out' me here.

I've been in a hard place for quite a while. My partner is in the forces and is currently abroad on a 6 month tour. We have two small children and no family nearby. I am towards the end of a qualification I have been working for throughout the last 4 years and I also have a job in the same field. My DC attend nursery during the day.

This deployment has been hard - both children have been ill loads, meaning lots of days of missed nursery and missed work. I've been lonely and probably quite bitter and angry about being landed with a lot on my plate. I feel like my career, my life, is entirely subsumed in parenting - I'm the only one out of me and DP who can drive, so I'm always the one who does nursery pick up and drop off, the only one who has to plan and arrange childcare, shopping, house cleaning, ironing, dog care, bills ... etc. As you can tell, I feel sorry for myself :)

I've been on amitriptyline for anxiety since the end trimester of my second pregnancy about 15 months ago. Last night I tried again to talk to DP via Skype about how sad I was feeling. As usual, it quickly became a tense disagreement - DP felt blamed, felt that I held his job against him when he had no choice about going away etc. which is true.

I now feel awful for landing all this on him whilst he's so far away. Our marriage has been very, very far from perfect almost from the very beginning - a lot of stress and trauma from the off, from an Iraq deployment to multiple miscarriages to two closely spaced high risk pregnancies one of which resulted in premature birth (most of second pregnancy spent with him working a good 9 hours away during the week and so living there all week and many weekends, so had to carry and care for DD1 despite doctor's orders not to: hence premature birth of DD2). We hardly see each other, and when we do it's all about logistics and looking after the DC. I feel like there's no common ground other than children any more. I long to get out and exercise - anything that connects me just a bit with the outside world - and resent that DP's job enables that connection, although of course he sees it as a chore not an advantage.

So marriage is pretty shit, most because of the resentment and neediness I just can't seem to let go of. I'm the one that starts arguments, the one who thinks anything's wrong at all (DP would just love a quiet life). I snap at the DC more than I should, I am struggling to keep up with commitments to work and friends, I look at my face in the mirror and it just seems blank and flat and hopeless.

I can't work out if I need to ask for an increased dose of amitriptyline, try and get an appointment for Relate or just try and pull myself together. I'm finding it hard to do ordinary things and cry at stupid stuff but there are still a lot of high points to my day, mostly when I'm interacting with the DC.

I think I just needed to get that off my chest. Thank you if anyone read that and if anyone has any thoughts - well, that'd be useful too.

It sounds very hard.My dh has been away a lot for long periods over the last few years and I have been alone with the children, either abroad in isolated places or in the UK, working f/t at a demanding job. It is easy to get bitter and resentful.

Could you cut down on your working hours a bit and fit in time for exercise or get a babysitter? I must say, I have always kept time for gym/aerobics and it has kept me sane, especially when kids younger.

You're definitely not making a mess of everything. You've been through a lot, are going through a lot, and have a lot more to go through by the sounds of it. I am a forces child myself and although I was young (under ten) I know my mum got very stressed when dad was away.

I'd suggest definitely trying Relate counselling - you've got nothing to lose. As for the meds, what does your gp think? Upping doses may help in the short to medium term but I don't think it's a long-term solution unless other areas of your life change. Is there any chance at all that you can get more time to yourself to relax etc?

This sounds like a very normal to a very stressful situation. There is good advice above!

Very normal REACTION.

I really feel for you, much of what you have described is how I often feel. (not a forces wife btw, but I've been a lone parent for 12 years now).

It IS hard, no doubt about it, caring for kids mostly on your own. You sound quite depressed to me (i'm no doctor but i've suffered with depression and anxiety for a long time).

My advice would be to see your gp first, maybe get some sort of medication that will get you back up enough to be able to think clearly and then tackle the rest..from bitter experience, when you are so down even the easiest of everyday tasks seems too overwhelming (not that meds are the answer obviously, but as a temp solution they can be very helpful). It's not about being a happy bunny (lets face it, no pill can do that!), it's about feeling well enough to function normally and trust your own judgement again. The problems you face will still be there but you will be in a much better frame of mind to deal with them.

You aren't making a mess of everything, you have had a LOT to deal with..be kinder to yourself.