Please help me to help my wife - she's a MNer

[MarriedToAMumsnetter]

My wife has been suffering with depression since our little girl was born 4 and a half years ago. She was not treated for it until a year ago. She has now stopped taking the anti depressants because they weren't working and they were giving her bad side effects. She was referred to a psychiatrist who prescribed a different anti depressant, but when my wife came off the ones she was on, she realised how much worse they had been making her feel and now she won't take the new ones.

The first tablets she was taking made her feel as if she was having electric shocks in her head every time she moved her head, that wasn't listed as a side effect but it's listed as a side effect on the new ones, and she doesn't want that again. She also felt that the tablets were making the depression worse instead of better, and that they were making her emotionless. She would rather feel something than nothing, even if what she is feeling is depressed.

She stopped the tablets about four months ago and was OK to start with but now the depression is back and she won't admit it. I can tell it's back, she is tearful and irritable all the time and she's so distant that I feel as if she's put a wall up between us. But every time I ask her about it she just says she's OK and changes the subject. I can tell she's not OK though, but I can't make her see that.

I don't know what to do. I know she had a lot of help on this board in the past but she got a bit self conscious about posting here and so she stopped. If I could just get her to talk it might help but she won't. I can't reach her to make her see how much I love her and want to get her better. What can I do to get her to help herself, how can I make her see what she's doing to herself, I can't force her to take the tablets but I need to do something.

She's out this morning so I have a little bit of time to ask you all for help. If anyone has been through this with their partner please help me.

Its a difficult one, ive just been prescribed ads and Ive had them for about 5 days and still havent taken them becuase i just dont feel right about it. Im going back to drs tommorrow to see if there is a medical reason, thyroid is a possibility. I hope so because I feel happier taking medication for that. Have you had yours checked?

Sorry SL! It's just that this feels verrrrrry close to home for me atm although I try not to dwell on it too much or I'd be a blubbering wreck myself. HE is a lovely mner and the love of her dh is very touching. This illness is cruel, but treatable (even if it takes time to find the right treatment), so with a little direction, I hope HE and her dh can find the path to recovery together and that things will soon improve for all the family.

I've been on thyroxine for an under-active thyroid since dd was about 8 months old - it was one of the tests they ran when I first asked for help with the depression, because very often the symptoms of under-active thyroid are mistaken for PND.

Sorry, im hoping its going to be a miracle cure! Maybe you should get it rechecked. what about st johns wort etc. ?

Aero, I think you are so right. Hope your feeling ok too

HE, there are therapists around who will see people for a much smaller fee than the going rate. (I've been making discreet enquiries on sis's behalf as her income is very low). It might be worth contacting your HV regarding this as that's where I got my info from.

If your problem is thyroid then thyroxine will be a miracle cure, once they get your levels right.

I last had my levels checked three months ago and they're still OK. I tried St John's Wort but it didn't really do much for me, although someone said earlier that it takes a few weeks to have an effect.

Thanks, Aero, I didn't know that.

HE's hubby had me blubbing this morning.

My DS started school at the same time, he is a solo, a one off, a unique. I can have no more and if HE is who I suspect, then she and I are in the same boat to a certain extent.

Every little thing that they do involves letting go, letting go of a moment, that as a solo Mum you never get again.

But you have to trust that the people you have released them to, love and cherish just as much.

We had presentation of a youth programme video in church on Sunday, I took DS down to the parish hall with me.

Our family friend walked in first with DS running ahead of her, his teacher was there and just saw DS and not me, and I noticed her reaching out vainly for a connection and a cuddle.

When the video was over and the lights came up she saw me and said I have really missed them all over half term and when he ran past me I was so sad.

The point I am trying to make is that we have to let them go by degrees, and reception teachers would appear to be a very good place to start.

I hope this makes sense.

Thanks SL. I've had better days tbh - today has been difficult as I took some v bad news earlier which has thrown me somewhat. But aside from that, I was doing ok. It would be insensitive of me to post about it though as I'm not the only one who had the same news. Suffice to say it has been a v sad/difficult day.

Aero

Chocolate ???

In that case you are in my prayers.

Much love

LGJ

Thanks LGJ. Have had some .

Aero , not really sure what you are talking about but sorry anyway. I hope you are ok

Howemb, good luck with whatever you try, i took vitb6 and magnesium which sorted me out for a while. The positive thing is that you obviously have a good man at your side

((((((( HE )))))))))

(((((( AERO )))))))))

Love and Light to you xxxx

It's ok SL. Thank-you. (Meant I've had some chocolate btw!). I will be ok.

.....and I hope you will be too HE. xx

Hi just wanted to put a link up here that might be useful for you. I've had PND for 18mts DS is 2.5 yrs now and crashed again recently when DH started a new job involving lots of work away from home.

I didn't want to take AD's don't like being out of control of my body - very similar to someone else who posted on here about needing to feel what their body was doing.

I found this website via MN and have been quite interested in it and I'll add a link to another site that the CPN gave me info from. Hope it might help.

H x

depression learning path

Can't find the other one just now, will come back later and post it.

Hope things get better for you soon and you can start to feel again.

H x

Harrizeb, thank you. That looks like a really interesting link. And thank you to everyone else too.

LGJ, I know we have to let them go and I'm happy for dd that she's growing up and moving on, she's doing well at school and loves it and I'm glad about that. I'm just not happy for me that the house is so empty without her in it, I wander around like a lost soul because without her here I have lost my purpose. It will get better, it has to get better.

Aero, hope you're feeling a bit better now, sorry to have been bending your ear while you were feeling so bad yourself.

Hello HE

I have been follwing this ,as I was in a right ole mess a year or so back and its all on here somewere if you want to have a look. I posted in the same name.

Anyway , what I wanted to do was pass on some of what has helped me ,as like you gp wanted me on all sorts of meds , I stoppped him at venlofaxin. Nasteee stuff. Ive been through 9 mths of hypnotherapy which I finished Jan of this yr , as the cost was quite high , but it gave me lots of tools for calm and relaxation and a safe enviroment to let out all sorts of stuff out. I eventually managed to persuade my gp to put me on a cbt (cognitive behaviour therapy) list n another council area , as ours doesnt have one. He sent me the application letter and I didnt even fill it out after all that!! For some reason I felt id done enough for a while. I then used an online cbt type course that I found really really helpful (must carry on with it)mood gym . The learning path one linked further up is also VVVV informative and really opens up the reason why depression develops. Theres also a book someone suggested on another thread , called mind over mood

I think that we all need a safe forum to let our hurts and pain out but also need to use techniques to relax and think forward.Even just writing it all down helps, but also must be balanced with a positive list , as our minds have tremendous capacity to go were we tell it to and this helps not to just look at the pain. I use all sorts of things to help me calm and relax ; meditation , relaxing oil baths , soothing music, light reading, nice food. Whatever you find you connect to.

IM not saying Ive overcome everything, I'm still working on it, but I will say Ive now been off ads for over a year now. I look to the spiritual side of life now as a balm to my life and continually investigate nurturing ways of looking after myself.

I hope Im not rambling , I just know the place yuor in right now. So if you want to talk more Im here.

No worries HE. I just can't post about it really, although desperate to unload....... but my good friend (mner - you probably know who) will be feeling the same and this news came as a very, very big shock. Also, others may recognise the situation.

sorry you have been feeling so low HE since your daughter started school. As you probably know from my previous posts, if you really really aren't willing to take ADs, then IMHO CBT is the best talking treatment for depression. Could DH kick your GP's arse into putting you on the waiting list for CBT? CBT may not be as financially unreachable as you think - I think a lot of therapists prefer it to be time limit, say 10 or 12 sessions at between 35 and 40 pounds per session.

I think the SJW could take up to 6 weeks to work, as it is very similar to SSRI drugs in the way it works, and they can easily take up to 6 weeks to kick in. I still think there are lots of other ADs you could try before dismissing them completely. I am probably biased towards ADs tho given that I have found them very helpful, and never felt numbed by them.

I think something like belly dancing would be great - it would help you relax, which I think is so important when you are feeling down. I used to do belly dancing, and as Custardo says, it doesn't attract the Kate Moss type - it attracts a range of women, with a bias towards people that want to wear floaty skirts and coin belts rather than lycra and track suits. When I went, people wore comfy clothing - ethnic skirts, t-shirts etc - so you don't need to wear anything remotely revealing!

my computer is broken (yet again!!) so I am rarely online, but I think either you have my mobile number, or you could get hold of it on the grapevine! if there is anything I could do to help/you fancy meeting up again, I would love to be of assistance.

take care
x

HowEmbarrassing

I know you know, what I was trying to say and obviously not very well was that, it hurts like hell letting them go, and I only find consolation in the fact that he is leaving me by degrees and the people I have entrusted him to appear to love him and cherish him as much as I do. And that makes up for that void that appears in my stomach, FFS I thought seriously about holding him back from going to the school disco, but it wouldn't have been about protecting him or keeping him young for a little longer. It would have been about me not having to let go of another little part of him. So like a good PTA Mummy I volunteered to help on the night.

Hope this makes more sense

LGJ, I know you know that I know ... you know what I mean. I just meant that for me it's not so much the letting go or the leaving me, more coping with the emptiness that's left. I don't want to wrap her in cotton wool or keep her a baby, and I know that's not what you want to do either. I think we both mean the same thing, we're just coming at it from different angles. I wasn't knocking your post and I do understand what you meant.

MTS, I know you favour CBT and it would be great to give it a go, if it were possible to do. £40 a session for a dozen sessions really is beyond what I can afford to pay, and as you know the waiting list here is horrendous. The GP won't even put me on the list.

I can't do the ads thing again, I really can't cope with them. I thought they were working to start with, then they weren't, and then when I stopped taking them and realised how much more "real" it felt, it dawned on me just how much they had been clouding my feelings and making me numb. I feel as if I'm back to square one again.

Thanks for the offer to meet up again; it would be good (see? I knew it was obvious who I am!).

Just checking you didn't have the stereotype view of seeing a psychologist being psychoanalysis that goes on for donkeys years and costs squillions. it may be worth you contacting your local branch - as some branches of Mind can offer free/cheap counselling, and of course some counsellors do CBT.

If GP is absolutely adamant about not sticking you on the waiting list, you could try self-referring to the Community Mental Health Team. Or could you see another GP or change practice even - the GP sounds like a bit of a dinosaur from what you have said in the past.

Hi HE, just wondered if you'd tried any supplements? I read about 5 HTP which is a serotonin uplifter. Sorry, haven't read whole thread but my thoughts are with you. I get panic attacks and know how difficult it can be when your mind rules your life Mine aren't so bad now but were.

sorry if I repeated some of the suggestions

I have just remebered watching a lorraine kelly thing one morning, as she had on somone with depression. They had some kind of medical man on I think , but all I paid attention to was this list of things that he suggested would help:

1. always eat brekkie
2. Take a supplment of chromium - very good for balancing suger levels and makiing sure therefore that mood is balanced to. Much of our food if not raw the chromium is removed in refining.
3. Eat more fish - this is the omega 3 oils intake that also helps mood
4. lots of diluted fruit juices(diluted to reduce sugars) 5)Take a supplment of Amino acids - helps with anxiety , as it connects with nerveous system

Like you Im not able to do CBT privately , so Im looking into this list a bit more. See if you can find somoene in a specialist health food store who may know more about it. A medicinal nutrionist is also someone to speak to.